Why Am I Hear????


I'm 27 years old a college graduate, single no kids a cat. I will say  I had a great childhood, things went down hill in my early twenties. Most of the relationships  have had with men have been dysfunctional. I don't know why, I have a great father, he always worked, but I understood and was OK with that. As a child I had lots of friends, I got almost everything I wanted. I had no stress or worries. My parents allowed me to be stress free child. My parents have been married for over 44 years so its not as if I was lacking love at home. My dad always told me he loved me and was not molested. I don't know if I just wanted a relationship like my parents.

When I was 14 I met my first bf. I fell for him hard, real hard. I thought he was sooo nice, I gave him my virginity and it went down hill. What ever he wanted from me I gave him, but it wasn't an equal exhange. I found most of my relationships to be that way. I longed for them to love me so iI gave and gave and gave and they took advantage of the fact that I was willing to give so much regardless. I thought if I gave so much they would come to their senses and see how wonderful I am and love me, but they never did. They called me names, talked about me, let me down, lied to me, lied on me I was used. I dated a guy once in HS he went to jail, I was there for him per his request, when he was on house arrest and couldn't hang with his friends he called on me for companisionship and I was there for him. He made all of these promises and I ate it up. When he was free I never heard from him again and the promised were never fulfilled. I dated a guy in college who was 11 years my senior he told me he was divorced and I found out that was a lie. I was devesated and hurt.

In 2007 I met a guy online he seemed like everythng I dreamed of, he was sooo into me, not selfish or trying to use or get something out of me like all the other guys. He made me smile and feel like a princess. He told his parents and friends all about me. Before we officially met, he was so excited about me visting. He was sweet. He would call me sometimes knowing I couldn't answer the phone just to hear my voice on the voicemal. He wanted me to tell my parents about him. I said I'm afraid to, what if this does not work out.  He told me he was not worried about that. All of the confidence I had about us was because of him and his confidence. He lived in the south I in the midwest.  I get down there to see him for a weekend. He was great a gentlemen and showed me a good time and had a lot planned for us, I never had a gut put so much effort into anything for me. I knew he was attracted to me because he couldn't keep his hands off of me, but he was still respectful at the same time. My last day there things changed, he wouldn't look at me or anything. I finally got him to tell me what the problem was he flat out said he can't do the long distance. I was crushed, the first time I meet a guy who seemed like the perfect one and it just stops like that. *sigh*

I had a job first job out of college, I hated that job, it seemed great in the interview, but it was the worst job I ever had. I was always stressed, losing sleep, always sick my weight went up and down. Even when I went on vacation I could not enjoy it because I was worried about work. I did a lot for that company. They had a huge turn over problem everyone left, but I stayed, they NEEDED me to stay they made that clear. If I left, they would have been screwed.  I had trained all their new staff and still had to do my job, it was sooo hard. I got no moral support for anyone. It wasn't my fault they could not keep anyone, but all the burden was put on me. We got a new boss and she slowy got rid of the previous staff, she kept me around long enough to train all her new staff. Then she said I know you want to change careers you should look at finding another job. I was not going to leave until I had the right job, but it was her plan all along to get me to train her staff and get rid of me. So I started interviewing and  I was again stressed because I didn't know what was going  to happen to me. I found a job and got an offer it wasn't the job I wanted but I took it out of fear. On my first day  I found some things out that they kept from me during the interviewing process. So I made the tough decision to go out on faith in God and quit and focus on finding the right career. Its been almost two months and nothing, no unemployment. I'm so afraid I'm going to lose everything. I don't know why all of this has happened to me. When I was 15 years old, I attempted suicide I took over 20 pills no one ever knew I never went to the hosipital, when I was 20  I overdoesed on cough surup no one ever knew never went to the hospital. In may I took over 20 pills with a half a bottle of wine, no one knew never went to the hospital. These past couple of weeks I've been thinking about killing myself, but I'm afraid it won't wor. I'm mad as hell because I attempted to kill myself at the age of 15, 12 years ago and again at the age of 20 5 years later, because the pain didn't get better and again at the again of 26 because the pain didn't get better. I'm mad because why didn't he just let me die. People say don't kill yourself it will get better. Well guess what, I'm in my future from when I was 15, 20 and even 26 and it's a whole lot worse. He should have let me die then. This is what I survived suicide for???

mizzb mizzb
9 Responses Feb 11, 2009

First of all, take some deep breaths. Sometimes life is overwhelming and it's not fair. But you seriously need to take life less seriously. And I know because I have to tell myself every damn day. Your whole self worth is not men. You have to be okay with yourself with or without other people. People come and go . It hurts. It hurts like hell. We learn to grow and change from relationships. Take the good with the bad. Your career? Maybe you have to get a roommate, live in a tent, whatever. It may be hard, but you will survive. And you will get back on your feet and go on and live some more. No matter what happens, it cannot destroy you unless you let it. Get mad as hell and say NO I will not be broken. Because that's life. It sucks and it's hard but you are not alone. It's the human condition. Someone somewhere is going to need you. Take a look inside yourself and find your source of strength. Meditate on it. Dwell on it. Let it build up inside of you and return to it always and keep your faith alive. Stop and think of the miracle that you are for just existing. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. And if you really want to kill yourself please seek professional help.

Like the other comments you can't go too far wrong with that kind of advice.. The other thing to remember is that UNTIL you learn to love and respect yourself nobody that comes into your life will,, so love you and who you are,, also don't look too hard for that special person, they will more than likely come into your life at a time when you least expect it....<br />
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Keep going my friend and stay strong<br />
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I agree with the last two comments. the loving relationship that your parents have, would not have been there if they would not have been happy alone or with themselfs first. and maybe that's the part you missed growing up. think of it this way, a good couple consist of two people who are happy when there alone, but who are happier when there together. only then do you have a good functioning relationship. <br />
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furthermore, you have to decide wheter you want to try to be happy or you are just going to give up. when you decide to give up and commit suicide, that's it. you don't get a nother shot, you don't get to change your mind. you already made two attempt, maybe three times is te charme. <br />
you can always do that later, no rush.. ;) my advice is to make a good attempt in trying to be happy first. <br />
sit down with pen and paper, good cup of coffee or whatever you like, a chocolate snack and write down thing that you do like and things that you don't like. thing that you would like to do if you had the chance, things you dream of, things you would like in your life, things could be from watching tv show friends to scubba diving at an exotic island or being america's next topmodel. whatever, your free. at the things you don't like list write situations you don't like being in, an then, for now, try to avoid them. maybe this is talking to some people, or doing laundry( who cares it will still be there next week). you need to really start thinking about what makes you happy, not anybody else, just you. it's your life, you don't know if you get another. <br />
some other tips: do thing that contribute to happy hormones. like eating chocolate, excersizing( any excersize is good), having sex, flirting in the streets, laughing(even when you don't mean it, it does work). oh and try to go outside enjoy the sun :)<br />
Well good luck!

You do not mention if you have ever sought counseling. I would strongly recommend it. <br />
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Even though you had a good childhood and you were raised well, something is missing. You do not seem to respect yourself and you are involved in self destructive behaviour. You need to talk to someone to get help.

It sounds like you are a very giving person. Too giving perhaps? I had that same problem. When you give off yourself too freely, people don't appreciate it. You need to make people work hard for your attention and affection and then they will value you more. <BR><BR>It also sounds to me like you don't value yourself that much. The only thing you seem to value is the love and attention you get from others, and whilst that is important, the most important thing you can ever do is cultivate self love. Tell yourself every morning you wake up and before you go to sleep. "I love myself. I'm a wonderful person, and I don't deserve anything but the best from people, and if they don't value me, they dont deserve me." I know implementing is a lot more difficult than saying, but I've been where you have been, and I know what it's like.<BR><BR>About your job- you've only been out of job of 2 months. It's not a big deal. Just keep looking. And while you are looking, go to a temp agency. They will help you get a job so you can keep paying your bills<BR><BR>And instead of yearning for other people's love, ask yourself, "What can I do to make myself happy?" Go camping, mountain climbing, white water rafting, travelling. If no one wants to go with you, go by yourself. Do you have a list of all the things you wanna do before you die? If you don't have it, make one and start acting on it.<BR><BR>Also, when you are feeling too terrible, write down your feelings in a journal. That helps keep me sane. <BR><BR>Good Luck with everything!

You have just taken too many wrong paths in your life. Life is beautiful and there is someone out there for you just as there is someone for everyone. Just because some jerks haven't treated you right is no reason to give up. Go out and look for someone who will love you for yourself (they are there, waiting for you) Don't be bashful or shy - if the guy is a bum tell him to buzz off and go look for another. Good luck. You will be happy, that's a promise.

My body rejected the pills and honestly I didn't feel bad or tired or anything. I was upset it didn't work. The cough syrup that was a different situation, I had ringing in my ears for about three days later, it was awful. What I have learned and what stops me from dong it now is I could have damaged my organs what if I survive and I permanently hurt myself. First, I use to think I survived because there is this grand plan for me, but I don't know (shrugging shoulders).

Btw ... how did you feel after you od'ed on the pills but survive? That couldn't have been a good feeling. I just wanna be sure.

I feel the exact same way... I'll be there soon. I narrowed it down to jumping off a bridge, air embolism and hammering a knife through my heart. I'm just surprised at this point you still believe in god. I used to, but now I'm contemplating suicide just so I know for sure.