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I Wish I Did Not Have A Heart Sometimes!

Some days I wish I wish I could go back to theold me, high, thick walls where no one could get into or climb over, where I could not feel a thing...then it would not hurt so much. 

just like phychics...I feel everything around me, I am way too sensitive and get too stressy over it from everything that influences me, then it changes my moods out of whack....and I usaully get hurt as well.

I open my self up, and in the end I get hurt. I expect people to respect my feelings and precious heart, that my words are important, and in the end I get hurt. I share my words of love and feelings, and they get slammed, wish I would not feel some times. i am very expressive, I like to share my feelings, I like to let people know how I feel, I am too weak, I need to harden up and not have such a big heart, like all tells me, wish I did not at times!

SassyBabe39 SassyBabe39 41-45, F 5 Responses Mar 10, 2010

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Well it just gets hard dealing with a person who is emotionally cut off to a point, they get angry and the words that come from their mouth because they are not emotionally connected inside, fusterating, told him one day to stop it, and I should talk to him the way he des me, he would not like it, he is some what trying, but still long ways to go.

I read your story and then i read your comment your are just like my wife and your right it makes for a bad marrage you can't go through life like this!! What is the reason for living if you have no one to enjoy it with feelings good or bad you need them! I have been married for 24 years and they haven't been all that great but i'm still trying nothing worth wild is easy. I learned from being on here is to make your feelings heard and to just tell your love one just what you want don't hold back and it's working. So don't shut yourself out i think your a better person than that from what i have read so far!

All my life I have been nothing but stone, and walls thicker than thick...no one got behind them, if they dared to try, I would hurt them painfully, not letting them close to me...this came from my father, he raised all ten of us just that way...."FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS ARE A WEAKNESS" is what he droned into us day after day of our lives, so I grew up not feeling a thing.......ppl would try and get close, I warned them and pushed them away, could not let anyone touch my heart...and so I did not, never have been in love ever before, never have trusted a soul ever before, do not feel feelings, cannot get hurt what he said....if we displayed any we were punished, and so we grew that way, all of us...me.....<br />
One day..I meet someone (my soon to be husband?) I put my signs out not to get close, cold, angry, awful language coming from a woman, did not stop him, did not scare him one bit, confuses me, he then began to peak my curiosity, why is this man attracted to me? two years later here we are, not in a good shape in our relationship.....too much hurt, and too much pain...are we going to survive? do not know...does helove me still..do not know....does he care about the love I have for him? do not know.......does he realize I have never let anyone in before...does not care....<br />
Now I know what my father meant......as cruel as he was......he made a lot of sense, in a dark way.....<br />
there is not space here for a tender, soft heart, the world is a hard place to people with a big heart, loving heart, generous heart and all the crap that goes with it.....<br />
I have gone from one extreme to not feeling a thing...to feeling everything, like a phycic who sees visions, I feel everything around me and it effects me......<br />
with him, I feel every mood he displays, and what he feels, I have never trusted any man before, let lone let any man close to me, I have never felt love before until now, and it scares me, the feelings that go with it, and it hurts me, I am too emotional and too sensitive, and he cannot handle that load and now I have pushed him away with it, and he has hurt me like no other has....<br />
so feelings and emotions are good for what? having a "feeling" heart is good for what?

If you harden yourself too much you turn into stone

I understand how you feel. I still have that wall around my heart to protect myself, and it hurts to let anyone in, even if they haven't hurt me yet, because I am absolutely convinced they eventually will. When I'm being rational, I know it is worth the risk. When I'm not being rational, I hurt those people to try to drive them away. <br />
<br />
Most of them figured it out though, and the ones who are worth it, understand and forgive me when I get back to being rational again.