But, I thought being beautiful would solve all of my problems!!

What you've accomplished is very impressive!  It has given me a flash of hope and faith in myself...that I can quit smoking and start taking care of myself.  This has NEVER been a part of my existence...taking care of my body???  When I was in high school, I never weighed more than 98 lbs.  I wore a size 1 before they even started making that size!!  I gained 55 lbs with each of my pregnancies (I'm only 5'3" and very petite.) With the first pregnancy, I was elated to watch my body growing!  I LOVED how tight all of my skin got with the weight...even my back.  I felt healthy.  I kept 5 lbs after each of my pregnancies....remained at a (still skinny) weight of about 110 lbs.

I hit 30-something and my metabolism changed.  I put on 55 lbs again for no reason (I thought I was pregnant, at first!)  I went from a size 3 or 5 to a size 13!!  When I started having to squeeze in the 13's, I went on the Atkins diet.  IT WAS SO HARD FOR ME!!!  I mean, for more than 30 years, I never had to pay attention to anything I ate.  I'm addicted to caffeine and, at the time, was still drinking a 2 ltr. of dr. pepper a day (I STILL drink a 2 ltr of pop a day...have done it for at least 19 years!)  Switching to diet coke was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, though.....I'm SO bad at breaking habits.  That's why it's so impressive, what you've accomplished.  I KNOW it must take a tremendous amount of self-discipline....the kind I'm always afraid I'll never have enough of.  And, I really need to quit smoking!!  I'm almost 40, there's a history of heart problems in my family and, my lungs HURT so BAD every morning when I wake up!  I don't know...quitting cigs, for me, would signify an entire LIFE change and I just can't wrap my mind around something that big.  My whole LIFE would have to change, in order for me to quit....like yours is changing!!  (Raw veggies???)

Anyhow, that's one of the points I wanted to make....about how I've struggled with my weight, but in different ways and for different reasons; how your determination and the way you're going about doing things....how much time it's taking (a pound a month?) says A LOT about your character!!  And, it inspires me!  It makes me feel like I AM making progress in my own life....even if it's taking forever and you can hardly tell, from day to day.....  Like, after I read your story, I felt like I could look back at the past several years of my life and see an accumulation of progress that isn't evident when I don't look at ALL of it.

Another point:

A couple years ago, I was put on a medication (Depakote.)  After remaining at a steady weight for several YEARS after going off the atkin's diet (I got back into a size 3 after 2 months and then went up to a 7 and stayed there,) that medication brought ALL the weight back!  I'd gained almost 60 lbs!!  PLUS, the medication made my hair fall out.  It took about 8 months for my ponytail (when I pulled ALL my hair together) to shrink to a size of less than a half an inch thick!  I seriously was almost bald!!!!!!!!  Fat and bald.  (I was VERY round....remember, I have a small frame.)  It was awful.  I got really depressed.  But, I'm so glad that happened to me!  The reason why is because, since I was forced for an extended period of time to look the way I did, I was also forced to realize that (to borrow India Arie's words):  "I am not my hair!"  During that time when I was NOT looking like my normal, attractive, attention-grabbing self, I was finally given the opportunity to find out that I'm really the same underneathe...whether I'm big or little, with short hair, long hair or no hair!!!  This was an important lesson for me to learn because...I've always been attractive and I wound up getting conditioned to believe that my appearance was important...that it said something about who I was.  I started believing I HAD to be "beautiful" in order to be worthwhile!  But, while I was "fat and bald," well, that's when I honestly found out what it REALLY meant to love myself!!!  I love telling this story to people, too, and hearing me call myself "fat and bald."  Cuz, it's a reminder, a validation, to me of who I really am!  And, listen, I experiment with the following philosophy (or, whatever it really is) ALL the time:  Perception is everything.  Try this....I do it all the time:  I'll sit and think all sorts of negative thoughts about myself...or, I'll convince myself that, when I look in the mirror, I'm just gonna see some haggard, worn-out, miserable, middle-aged biddy, with the most ENORMOUS dark circles around my eyes.... and, well....that's exactly what I see when I get the mirror and look in it.  But, THEN, right afterward, I'll put the mirror down and start another thought process.  Only, this time, I'll convince myself that I'm beautiful.  I'll think about my spirit and my eyes and how that energy is transforming....how it turns me into something marvelous to behold....I visualize myself walking tall and confident...content in my own skin...I'll think of an attribute in my appearance that I appreciate and I'll magnify it....and then, I'll pick the mirror up again....and, I SWEAR!  It's like magic!  When I pick up that mirror a second time, it's like my face has, literally, been physically transformed!!  And, I see the beauty of me!  I really SEE it!!!  And, the most AMAZING part of this whole experiment is that OTHER PEOPLE SEE IT, TOO!!!  It's TRUE!!  I've been experimenting with this **** for years...when I feel good about me, other people really do feel good about me, too.

I want you to stop thinking of yourself as being ugly and, I want you to stop SAYING ugly things about yourself.  We are far more powerful than we ever give ourselves credit for.

Sometimes, we simply need to adjust our perception.

An interesting tidbit:::  I had been trying to grow my hair for, at least, 4 years before I went "bald."  It just wouldn't grow...maybe an inch a year!  I tried everything to help it grow.  Nothing worked.  On Depakote, not only did the hair fall out (in HANDfuls, everytime I washed it, even when I just touched it), it also broke off at the ends so, whatever length I had gained in 4 years, I lost completely...what was left of it was much shorter.)  When I went off the Depakote....not only did I lose ALL of the weight, not only did my hair grow back but, it's GORGEOUS.  After falling out, it regrew, totally different...a different texture, really, natural, beautiful spiral curls!  And it GROWS and grows!  It's actually to the middle of my BACK, now!  And, I've only been off the Depakote for a little over a year!  I don't know...I just think it's worth considering..that, when I finally stopped needing to be beautiful and have beautiful, healthy long hair.....that my hair started growing...like it was someone else's hair!!!

MysticWriter MysticWriter
36-40, F
2 Responses Dec 8, 2006

I think it must be my fault and your not to blame im always affecting people this way well I hope it all turns out all right