We End Right Here

This blood, flowing from my veins..... is God real? I cannot say. I will find out soon enough. She believes beyond anything else. I hear a storm brewing. I dive into the torrential downpour of emotions, I see black and white and I know I cannot, will not, hurt her. There is no answer and I waste my life looking for it. Soon a step to the other side, a flurry of ravens wings carried in skeletal arms - and then, nothing?
All I ask, is for a storm to be born... to really feel something. The only time I feel alive is in the rain.... its been so long, the thunder sounds like a gunshot - straight to the head. We end right here, she won't miss me. I wish I were dead... right now. Tired of wasting my life but I cannot stop, so I will waste myself to see if something lies without this within.
I want to go back to my mother, back to the earth... from whom I came, to who I shall return.
menschfeind menschfeind
26-30
5 Responses Aug 1, 2010

I apologize for my delayed response, I have been offline for a couple of days:<br />
Being here *for* something (likewise having a task) presupposes an external purpose or meaning to our lives. Is there an overarching meaning (like a purpose from god for the whole universe and we are each playing our roles) or is everyone's meaning different? Either way, how do you think we figure out what the higher/personal purpose is?<br />
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There is no doubt that the components (the energy) that I am made up of will continue to exist longer than I do... but that is the issue for me. Does my personality (the experiencing "I") survive the ending of this body or does my experiencing end? The latter is not discomforting or terrifying, but the former has a certain "romantic" appeal. The more questions I ask, the fewer answers there are... the further I have to step back from the initial quandary.<br />
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What sorts of things do you think "souls" are destined for? What is your purpose (if asking such a question is not rude)? Who sets the "place" we are trying to get to?<br />
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There are two reasons I can't escape to oblivion yet: other beings are dependent on me for their lives or happiness (for the moment) and since death comes to all of us I decided I might as well stick around for a while (misery or not) and see what happens.<br />
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Thank you for your insights they are always appreciated (whether directly from you or helping me out through Anachel).<br />
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Good evening

Your words sound very familiar to me. <br />
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But if you want to do this the right way, then you have to realize what you are here for. Only then can you complete your task and keep form having to come back yet again. <br />
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The soul is nothing but energy, energy can neither be destroyed or created. <br />
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Therefore, you will be going to something or somewhere. No matter what your beliefs are. <br />
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Even if you simply believe that your energy will do nothing but dissipate into the universe until it is so diluted that it cant be recognizable as anything but a blip on some meter.<br />
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It is my belief that your soul is destined for other things. To reach your true place you must learn the lessons and perform the tasks set before you.<br />
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If you are truly ready to leave... then be about your business. Fulfill your reason for being and you will be able to move on. You also might find something other than misery

Hmmm... a difficult question: what is meaning? That question seems incoherent or unanswerable... but I am not so sure there is an adequate definition available to us currently (unless we accept ob<x>jectivity, but I find that unlikely, not because it isn't a solid position but because it is difficult for most to accept).<br />
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Those who are losing faith... I don't know... it could be a good thing, though I wish that pain upon no one.<br />
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Azrael... because I used to dream of "him." If such things are real, I hope to meet him sooner rather than later. I did everything I could to please him and tempt him to sight.... but to no avail. This was before I lost faith in anything I couldn't immediately perceive. I spent a lot of time and energy on that which is without my machine only to realize that everything is in my head.<br />
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What if all is darkness and light is an illusion we create to give ourselves a reason to exist?<br />
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As always, I enjoy your perspective!<br />
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~Menschfeind

Again, thanks Anachel... you have a watchful eye.<br />
The two of you have been answering my direct questions well. I am afraid at the moment I am far too confused to ask any more. Unless you can tell me what it is like to lose faith.... I never had any... but I recognize the importance of it to some, and I am worried about someone who I watch over.<br />
Other than that.... I think I remember the velvet caress of lord Azrael... floating jasmine and the ivory touch of bone: A dream, nothing more.<br />
Why are you here? That would be the question I would have for both of you.<br />
Light and dark, two paths ahead.... death to rebirth: or eternal life... undead.<br />
The only real thing is pain.

Thank you Anachel.... however I have no will left to feel anything but pain.... I almost fear the idea. Death is the only balm for these sufferings. Shut this machine off!<br />
I have tried talking to Him before, I know it is hubris, but I received no answer. So I turned to his fallen children and they were silent as well. I have tried finding the Christ, tried communing with gentle Azrael, and called into dark corners for surviving souls of my own kind.... all with no answer. Some say the lack of an answer is because of the arrogance that I could get an answer from these beings - but it is just as logical to say they do not exist and so could not answer.<br />
What is there worth living for? Despite my best efforts, all I do is consume, when other less fortunate beings could use the resources. There is only one place left to go, but I have no will to commit the act - not weakness, nor a caring for others - my reason is much worse: because I am too apathetic to even try. It doesn't matter, I will shut off eventually, time will have its way.<br />
Thanks for your words.... I hope I don't sound too much like an angsty teenager ;)