I Feel Lost And Dead

I am a 53 year old man who lost his job in Manhattan, NY a few months ago. I have very little margin financially and owe both the state and fed back taxes, both of whom I was paying when I had full time employment. .A year ago I was found to have a massive amount of blood clots due to a genetic predisposition, along with several other blood related diseases, and now take thinners for the rest of my life..  I live with my girl friend in small apartment. She is wonderful but does what she does for the love of it not the money, which there is very little of. I was given no notice or severance and all promised bonuses disappeared for the last two years. I worked in management for the last 11 years and before that I own a small mill working company. Now I have accepted a small project in upstate NY for a friend as a mutual favor, so I can generate some much needed income and so they can get a little break on the local contractor’s price. Last week someone broke into the space where I was storing many of the tools that I had used for years when I was in the trades. I lost several thousand dollars worth of equipment that I was considering as a fall back in case I can't find another position as a project manager in NYC.
Today I am pensive and unproductive. The low angle sun does a number on my head, I am almost better when it's dark out.
To do the work for my friends I must stay upstate about two and a half hours from NYC and my love, who I miss very much.
There are so many people with much worst issues and problems that I am embarrassed to even feel as bad as I do.
It hurts to think that the content of my life could so negatively affect my mood. But when it is good I don't question it either.
Maybe I am just tired from doing physical work again after so many years or maybe I am reaching the end of my emotional resources.
dogmatik dogmatik
51-55, M
5 Responses Jan 5, 2011

Please do not feel bad about feeling sorry for yourself. You have a right to feel badly and hurt. It is only natural. I have been there myself and I am also going through my own difficulties as well.

I will not go into my predicament. But, suffice to say, I go through DAILY issues myself. I try to find a reason to live. It isn't easy. As you all who are reading this already know.

You must find a reason to be thankful. Even if it is one little thing.

As someone else stated, you have a friend whom you can count on. That is indeed something to be grateful for. Plus, you have your loving girlfriend who seems to love you unconditionally. That too, is a reason to be grateful.

These are the things one must try to look at in order to get through these dark times. Count your blessings however small or few they may be.

You stated that you are away from your love for extended lengths of time, is it possible for her to see you upstate occassionally or to move there permanently?

That may be something to consider.

This sounds trite, but try to find a faith in a higher power (if you believe in the like).
I do. It helps me out tremendously. See if there are local support groups from which you can seek assistance of some kind.

Good Luck to you. And God bless.

Since January of this year I was laid off job after 28 years. so i also empathize with you. Everyday now thinking then finally and will end my life. I lost my will to go on struggling,no point anymore.

I empathize with you. I have been jobless many years. No family or close to get emotional support from and have thought at times of ending my life.It's only realization that there are many in worse condition who continue to fight it out making me strive forward.

Thank goodness you have friends who would offer you a job, not many people who are out of job has this available to them. Many people will do what is needed even if you have to leave a wife, girlfriend or family. <br />
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You are fortunate, not less fortunate..

I understand, it does get better. I am a 46 year old female whose last job was 12/22/2008. For many years I worked 86 hours a week. After being laid off (automotive), my health took a turn for the worse. My husband (automotive) lost his job this year. I have my 86 year old mother living with us. I went back to school for accounting on TRA. Got my husband into school - costs 670 a month for him. I live on very little. Can't afford health care, car insurance, etc. Contemplated suicide. Hang in there, school has really given me a new lease on life.