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I Ruined His Life

Nine months after our wedding day I started getting sick. It wasn't a baby. It was juvenile diabetes. I love you for helping me through this and for staying with me but today, nine years later, I wish more than anything that we had never met. I can see in your eyes that I ruined your dreams. Because of me, because of my illness you will never be a father, never be free from debt, never own a house with a white picket fence. Why did you have to insist that I see a doctor? Why couldn't you have just let it go? Why didn't you let me go?
soulchocolate soulchocolate 26-30 3 Responses May 8, 2012

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I got sick with fibromyalgia 7 months after I got married. I wish I just got in a car accident and died that day, because everyday since I wish I was dead. It's been 7 years now and we have grown apart so much that I hate sex. I wish I had the strength to kill myself or leave so he might have a better life. We don't have children because I can't have them, I've never pursued fertility treatments cause I wouldn't be able to care for them, because of my illness, and I wouldn't want to subject them to someone constantly sick and depressed like me. I have no hopes or dreams anymore, I just want the pain of my illness to stop, it's like being torchered and you are trapped in your own body with no escape. I've prayed for death for 7 years, I hear of others dying before their time, and wish it was me instead. I used to be much more than I am now, I just hate who I've become, I have such intense hate I want to constantly hurt myself. I have to fight suicidal thoughts and intense self hate all the time. I'm so tired I just want it to be over. Not an afterlife over, I mean blinking out of existence over. It's not true that "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger", it kills who you were and shapes you into someone you don't recognize anymore. The pain tears you apart, devoids you of strength, and makes you pray for death. Please God, please let me die, please show some compassion and let me go. Please Please Please!!!

You are blessed enough for him being there for you. The reason why he is insisting you to see a doctor is that he loves you very much and that he doesn't want you to let go...and never loss your hope. Why are you giving up where in fact, he is not giving you up? Those thoughts you are thinking right now!? Have you asked him if you've become a burden to him? Does he blames you for not being a father? Did complain about your situation? Be thankful dear! I wish i could have a guy same as yours....cause as for me its hopeless.....Instead of doing that....just say to your husband a simple "THANK YOU" for being there....

Don't do this. Guilt is cowardly. If you don't like something try and change it. If you believe in something, you go after that thing and you die on your feet, trying, not feeling sorry about what should have been. Your guilt is self-serving, you can only be any good to this person in your life if you get a handle on your emotions and work towards what needs to be done.