I'm Going To Kill Myself If Something Doesn't Change...

My life sucks. It has always sucked... and not your average "things just aren't going my way" type of sucking. I used to be a hopeful person. My father sexually abused me as a child and beat me. He was very religious and strict and would beat me and my siblings for minor offenses (such as getting out of bed at night). I was continually molested by my older brother's friends in my pre-pubescent years and even once my own brother tried to rape me. When I was a teenager I began using drugs and having sex with much older men who would abuse me and treat me like my father (typical daddy issues). Besides all of that I am mentally ill- diagnosed with numerous illnesses. My parents expected me to fend for myself by the age of 13 so I stole alot and got into alot of legal trouble. Because my father had always discouraged me not to express my feelings and that "crying is a sign of weakness" I flipped out when I started going through puberty and became violent. My parents allowed the state to lock me in juvenile "mental" facilities for 2 and 1/2 years. When I came out my parents only let me live with them while I was going to school. During the summer, my father would instruct my mother to drive me away and leave me far from home (he considered this "tough love" because I was doing drugs). I often resorted to selling myself and stealing so that I could live on the streets. I even slept in abandoned cars. My parents always said they loved me, and in my community they are considered "God fearing, good people" and I am "the scum of the earth". Don't believe me if you chose, but this is my story... and it's only the beginnning. I am now 29 and have been abandoned by everyone I have ever loved, no matter what they have done to me. I live with a guy who uses me for money and sex. I'm not getting proper treatment for my mental problems and no one cares or will help me. I have so much to say- but I'm sick of talking, much less living. I plan to kill myself before I turn 30 (this year-2012) unless things change radically. I'm pretty sure no one will even read this, or care, but I needed to get some of it out regardless. I have no one to confide in. If you do read this and you want to know more then you can message me. But the day of my demise may be soon...
livindeadgurl livindeadgurl
26-30, F
May 9, 2012