I Wish I Was Dead


I am 29 and I wish I was dead and gone. It's probably the best, nobody would care. My parents would miss me, but other then that I think no one else would notice. Maybe now and then somebody would wonder what happened to me, but not enough to actually try to contact me. I never had friends, but I always took comfort in the though that, once I started doing what I love to do I would find my place. I would find people that I would connect with and a place that I belong. I was made fun all my childhood, but I always had my objective clear so I went head one. I went to some dark times, and there were no friends to be found, but I always had hope that they would come if I kept going. My parents didn't quite understand what I wanted to do (I always wanted to work in the animation industry), but I kept going. And now I am finally here. I made it, and I am still alone. And now I am tired. I don't have a bad life. I know that I am lucky in many aspects. I have parents that are helping me while I am looking for a new job. I am able to try to better my skills. But in the end of the day, I am alone. I tried to blend, to make friends and I failed. I am tired of being alone, of being invisible. I see people that I know going out, scheduling meetings among themselves (sometimes in front of me) and no one even acknowledge my presence. I am not wanted as a person. My life is just work and train (I do martial arts). And although I do like to work and to train, having nobody to share those things is becoming more and more difficult. I am seeing a counselor and every suggestion that she makes I already tried. I am trying to eat right. I am doing exercise. I am trying to call people instead of waiting to be called. And it's not working. People are always busy when I call. They always have something else to do. Just for me to find them hanging out with other people while I am walking alone. I am done. I will not kill myself though. I did a promise to myself that I would never do that. So even this I can't do. I wish I could die in my sleep. To go to sleep and never wake up. That's my current objective in life. I am waiting to die. I don't want to suffer, just vanish. People would not notice. I guess it would not be that much of a difference anyway.

If there are many mistakes I apologize. English is not my first language and I am not caring that much about the grammar at this point.

Kandric Kandric
2 Responses May 15, 2012

you'd be surprised actually. perhaps move to another contentent to try your theory out and if all else fails you can always be a beach bum. If beaches are your thing.

owww..so there is no point in your life now?