I Wish I Was Dead And Dont Fear It!

I wish I was dead! I would be if it wasn't for the fact I have an older brother who looked after me from the age of about 8. See my mum left when I was 7. She went to live in Australia. I stayed because I loved my dad. He was a drunk and verbally abusive man but this was ok when I was 7. I thought it was the norm! So we, my brother 9 years my senior and my sister 10 years my senior stayed in England. My brother only stayed because of me. He knew I wouldn’t go and so he stayed to protect me. His life is not a barrel of laughs and I feel guilty for him staying all those years ago. Staying with my dad I think has affected us all but more so my brother and I. I left home when I was 15 and have bought myself up. I’m independent and always have been. Now I’m depressed and not because of my past with my family but because of my 9 year brake up with my x and the here and now!
darcy79 darcy79
31-35, F
3 Responses May 20, 2012

It is very tough but you have to stay strong. I feel depressed everyday and i often think about not existing anymore. At the same time, i do feel like i have a purpose here on earth even though things seem hopeless. We live in very tough times and society can be so cruel. It is frustrating and sad but we have to hang in there.

I also believe that I was put here for a reason! I think that I am a guarding angle for a friend of min. he is my bestist (yes I did use that word and yes I know it’s not a real word but it sounds cute) ever friend. There are times I don’t see or hear from him in months and then out of the blue I will catch up with him. He is normally in a tangle or in a part of his life where he needs someone mothering to talk to. I feel like I am here to look out for him as best I can. This keeps me going sometimes. Its like when I see him just for the first few seconds I forget all of my pain and tap into his and his is always more painful. I feel that I am able to take it away from him for a very short amount of time.

Please don’t get me wrong it’s not my x’s fault that I am depressed and wish my life over. The fault is mine for not being good enough to keep him. The fault is mine that now he has gone I feel I can not go on. Its all my doing and the fact I’m not strong enough is my mind set. I get this but this does not help me. I can’t find the strength for myself! <br />
I love what you have posted it maid me cry for the right reasons. It makes me think and it makes sense. Thank you x

I once had a friend who grew to be very close to me. Once when we were sitting at the edge of a swimming pool, she filled the palm of her hand with a little water and held it before me, and said this: "You see this water carefully contained on my hand? It symbolizes Love."

This was how I saw it: "As long as you keep your hand caringly open and allow it to remain there, it will always be there. However, if you attempt to close your fingers round it and try to posses it, it will spill through the first cracks it finds.

This is the greatest mistake that people do when they meet love…they try to posses it, they demand, they expect… and just like the water spilling out of your hand, Love will retrieve from you. For love is meant to be free, you cannot change its nature. If there are people you love, allow them to be free beings. Give and don’t expect. Advise, but don’t order. Ask, but never demand. It might sound simple, but it is a lesson that may take a lifetime to truly practice. It is the secret to true love.

To truly practice it, you must sincerely feel no expectations from those who you love, and yet an unconditional caring."

~ Swami Vivekananda

That is the one cause of misery: we are attached, we are being caught. Therefore says the Gita: Work constantly; work, but be not attached; be not caught. Reserve unto yourself the power of detaching yourself from everything, however beloved, however much the soul might yearn for it, however great the pangs of misery you feel if you were going to leave it; still, reserve the power of leaving it whenever you want. The weak have no place here, in this life or in any other life. Weakness leads to slavery. Weakness leads to all kinds of misery, physical and mental. Weakness is death. There are hundreds of thousands of microbes surrounding us, but they cannot harm us unless we become weak, until the body is ready and predisposed to receive them. There may be a million microbes of misery, floating about us. Never mind! They dare not approach us, they have no power to get a hold on us, until the mind is weakened. This is the great fact: strength is life, weakness is death. Strength is felicity, life eternal, immortal; weakness is constant strain and misery: weakness is death.<br />
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We get caught. How? Not by what we give, but by what we expect. We get misery in return for our love; not from the fact that we love, but from the fact that we want love in return. There is no misery where there is no want. Desire, want, is the father of all misery. Desires are bound by the laws of success and failure. Desires must bring misery.<br />
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Every day we renew our determination to be unattached. We cast our eyes back and look at the past ob<x>jects of our love and attachment, and feel how every one of them made us miserable. We went down into the depths of despondency because of our "love"! We found ourselves mere slaves in the hands of others, we were dragged down and down! And we make a fresh determination: "Henceforth, I will be master of myself; henceforth, I will have control over myself." But the time comes, and the same story once more! Again the soul is caught and cannot get out. The bird is in a net, struggling and fluttering. This is our life.<br />
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I know the difficulties. Tremendous they are, and ninety per cent of us become discouraged and lose heart, and in our turn, often become pessimists and cease to believe in sincerity, love, and all that is grand and noble. So, we find men who in the freshness of their lives have been forgiving, kind, simple, and guileless, become in old age lying masks of men. Their minds are a mass of intricacy. There may be a good deal of external policy, possibly. They are not hot-headed, they do not speak, but it would be better for them to do so; their hearts are dead and, therefore, they do not speak. They do not curse, not become angry; but it would be better for them to be able to be angry, a thousand times better, to be able to curse. They cannot. There is death in the heart, for cold hands have seized upon it, and it can no more act, even to utter a curse, even to use a harsh word.<br />
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This is the first lesson to learn: be determined not to curse anything outside, not to lay the blame upon any one outside, but be a man, stand up, lay the blame on yourself. You will find, that is always true. Get hold of yourself.<br />
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http://en.wikisource.org/wiki/The_Complete_Works_of_Swami_Vivekananda/Volume_2/Work_and_its_Secret