Gone From The World

25 years... It might as well be an eternity. When you wake up alone everyday to go to a 12 hour work day, followed by yelling, pain, and sadness... you wonder why i keep going, day in and day out. 25 years and no one to love, no one who cares. God i don't know what a smile looks like anymore. I don't know what a soft hand feels like, things people take for granite. I'm so tired now, I cant remember a happy moment anymore. Its one twist of the night after another and i cant take it anymore. I have always been strong willed and push through it, but now i feel I'm at the end of my rope. I cant go on much longer, the thought of death comes to mind more so then ever. There probably is a rarity where i don't: think of killing myself at least once a day,the though of release makes me feel at piece and i i am filled with a sense of calm.

I know i am no ones favorite and i would soon be forgotten if i died, my family would mope and cry, but like all others they would move on. Its hard living in the shadows and in the cold. Darkness has a way of killing you slowly and painfully. The world is not mine and i dont belong, i promised myself i would make it to the end but now... i dont think i can even do that. I just want my one day in the sun.
Otacon29 Otacon29
31-35, M
3 Responses Sep 9, 2012

your married, I've lived the same way for the past 45 years. If I try to end the marriage I loose a lifetime of work and savings. Marriage is a horrible thing

No... I'm not married.

OMG! You are so young to be this defeated! Surely you can find a way to change the situation. There must be something you can do to make your life better. This is the time you need to seek help for yourself. You have to talk to someone. I was feeling like killing myself til I read your post. So at least I guess you have save one life tonight. Please get some help.

* hugs * Yeah I know , this world is like the Abyss . I am so tired of being in the dark , lonely shadows of Nightmareland while normals are so happy in the sun .<br />
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I wonder if we did something in another life which merited punishment here on this earth ? ? ? Anyway I so relate to what You say , and I want physical intimacy so much . Please message Me anytime , and We can be friends .