Just Dont Want Anything Anymore

I am a housewife and I have two beautiful boys 15 and 10. I have been married for 15 years and I'm only 35 years old. For the past 6 years or so I have been depressed. My husband doesn't have any respect for me. Nothing I do is right. I have never had the love of my parents or siblings. I wish that I could be happy, but I have nothing that inspires me. I'm afraid of the world because I know it is ugly and not right for me. I have had so much happen from a young age... Molestation, rape, physical abuse from parent and spouse, mental abuse and neglect. I always feel that I have to make others happy, but in the end I always end up loosing everything. I have been both the business partner and stay at home fricking Martha Stewart. Im loosing my husband and I have no stable ground. Im always wondering when I'm going to be told "Im leaving you for her" or "I don't want your lifestyle" . I am so utterly alone and I just wish I were dead. I have no interest in anything in life really. I think of doing myself in a lot. I cant because of my kids,. I feel so guilty that I feel this way. They don't understand... poor things. I know my husband is getting tired of dealing with me. This is the reason for the other women he likes to talk to and whatnot. I have lost everything. I don't know where or how to be happy.. I have no trust in people close to me. I continue to let myself get hurt by these people because I don't know what I can do. I don't want to loose everything, but it will happen anyways. It's just a matter of time. I don't know how much more I can take. My heart is so broken. My soul is so lost. I knew my life would end up this way. I knew it and I still made the decisions I made because I wanted to believe the lies. I wanted so much to be loved. I wanted to be special and I thought I was. Now, I just want it all to end. I often hope I will get in a car crash.. or look at buildings and wonder how it would feel to free fall.. Why can't it just all end already. I am so over life.... I can accept that I will never have true love or be truly loved. I understand that It is all my fault. I'm sorry for being anything at all.
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Dec 2, 2012