I Thought I Was Stronger

I cannot stop crying, the kind of crying...

"The silent one.

The one when everyone is asleep.

The one where you feel it in your throat,

and your eyes become blurry from the tears.

The one where you just want to scream.

The one where you have to hold your breath,

and grab your stomach to keep quiet.

The one where you can't hold your breath anymore.

The one where you realize the person that meant 

the most to you, is gone..."

I was, or felt I was pushed away by my BFF.  He pushed me so far away, I had to walk away, as to not be hurt any longer He says he did not mean to, or have any intent to make me feel this way.  Maybe he didn't, but none the less It hurt too bad.  I understand he has a lot on his plate, i am more than understanding of that, I accepted it.  I wanted in every way to be there for him.  

This BFF of mine told me that I was the only one he could speak to knowing he would have no judgement, He says I am the only one he can truly speak to, cry to, look to for the support he needs. that he can be himself, his true inner self, with.

But on his other hand he has been keeping me in the dark for some time, when right now I know for fact, just from knowing him so well, this is a time that he needs someone to just even cry to. He has opened up to me with so much, and everything I worked through with him from the very beginning to the very end. I didn't expect, nor would I ever expect him to speak of matters he wasn't ready to talk about.  I understand when one needs to sort things out in their own mind, before they have the ability to voice it out loud.  

The relationship, started to feel one sided.  I have always pushed aside everything for him, to help him in his time of need.  I really have a lot on my plate too.  Sadly to say he doesn't even know what has been happening with me, because he didn't take the time to be a BFF to me as I was for him.  It started to feel as a take relationship, as opposed to what we once had as a give and take relationship. I in other words felt used.  

Everyday we would spend hours on end speaking with each other about absolutely  everything and anything.  We lived our lives together, while living 9 states away from each other.  There was a connection, and I know it is still there, that was like no other.  Although we were so physically far apart, it still felt as if we lived next door to each other, it felt as if we had grown up as BFF's our whole lives.  We both spoke about how we even felt each others presence when we were not there.  Every time I said goodnight, sweet dreams, and I love you, my BFF to him, I felt like I was literally sitting on his bed saying this to him, tucking him in, stroking his hair as he fell asleep, and giving his forehead a kiss as he drifted off to a sweet slumber.  

I hope, I pray, he comes around.  I want my BFF.  The BFF that once was the man I knew.  He is the only one in this worl, that I can be my true self with.  He is the one that supported me in my times of need.  He is the one that never judged me for my thoughts, my way of being, my anything.  He gave me his shoulder to cry on, and his ear to listen to me, his voice to guide me, his energy to strengthen me, and his heart to love me unconditionally.  
SombreAmaranthineAmour SombreAmaranthineAmour
31-35, F
2 Responses Sep 24, 2012

I hope that you and your BFF can get your relationship back to what it once was. I will say that sometimes a relationship is one sided, sometimes one person needs and the other gives, then things turn around. This is just my oppinion...

i know for fact he needed more. He truly is in a messed up situation. My problems are petty in comparison, and I know that.

Talk to him, don't assume how he feels...talk openly and honestly with him. :)

I know him well enough, to know he is like a roaring ocean, out of control right now in his mind. He just has to pull himself together. For his sake, for his sanity I hope he does. I do NOT ever want to see him in the state that he was in when we first met. This is my biggest fear him reverting back, being so consumed, and going through another break out. I sense he is almost at that point and cannot take anymore, before he explodes

Thank you, so so much. Some how you opened up my eyes. I cannot, in any way, leave my BFF in the state he is in. He really does need me to be there, even if for now it seems as if he is pushing me away, i think the thought, just that simple thought in his head, that i am there will help in grounding him. He knows he can come to me with absolutely everything and anything. I have non-judgmental eyes, mind, and heart when it comes to anyone. I am there to confide in when anyone needs it. HOW THE HELL COULD I HAVE BEEN SO STUPID TO WALK AWAY, WHEN ALL ALONG I KNEW MY BFF NEEDED ME THE MOST RIGHT NOW. Even if I am in the background right now, i need for him to know am there when he is ready. I love my BFF dearly and unconditionally, how could I have done this? I need to remedy this now. i must call him.

I'm glad I could help, but please don't go overboard on blaming yourself. We all need to have someone to confide in and you are missing that right now. Take it slow and your bff will come to you when ready. I'm an expert on being in the background, it's really a nice place to be and you can learn a great deal while there. (((HUGS))) stay strong!

all is good we are talking now as I type this to you.

this is great news!!!

3 More Responses

i just wonder what happened at one point you both shared your problems then it felt one way i wonder what might happened for this to happen there has to be a reason why friendship should be a twoway street both helping each other alli can say is talk with him again and see what is going ask him why he can,t be there for you . vinny

his head is cluttered is my assumption

i don,t really know what else to say as far as he is concerned what is happening with your husband do you want to stay or leave

how does my hubby play any role in this??? My husband is a completely diff entity, message me in regards to my husband. This is my best friend.