Probably Shouldnt Have Had Kids

I've read the other stories here and seems as if all had abusive childhoods. I don't have that excuse. I got pregnant and had the baby against my better judgement. I was depressed and continued to be depressed (fell deeper into it) and thought I'd make a terrible mom. Sure I'm responsible enough to take good care of my kids (2) but there is no joy in it. I really don't enjoy spending time with them. I feed and clothe them, teach them and keep them safe, and try to make them happy but I'm not happy. I wish so badly I hadn't had kids. I think my kids could do much worse, but they could do much better too. I wish I could be single again and not have kids so I could just get a divorce once and for all and be free. I hate this feeling, I feel guilty all the time. I wish I felt like a mother should but even though I love them, I think they would be better off not having me as a mother.

I am only posting this story because it is SO taboo and I hope someone reading it and can relate to it might not feel so alone.

pinkflowers1 pinkflowers1
36-40, F
29 Responses Feb 11, 2010

Yes. I feel this way too. Perhaps it isn't the children that you wish you didn't have... I know I feel the same way but I think between my depression, ADD, and pathetic excuse for a relationship and me viewing my child as the glue keeping me and her father together makes me regret the situation further... idk.

I also have a one year old and pregnant with my second child now I love my kid to death and she is well taken care of as well but I am extremely strees out she is bad and never listens to me she takes me for a joke I feel like a single parent because her father goes to work and school hes never home and like right now whem hes home hes doing homework and its always my responsibility to take care of her by myself alot of times I wished I never had kids and now im pregnant again im scared and I don't know what to do my life is going to hell im trying to find a daycare for my one year old now so things will be a lil more easy at the house!! And I hate my husband family his mom is a evil ***** and she don't give a **** about my child my husband is weak and never stands up for me his family been disrespecting for years now and not one time he stood up for me I remember he was at his fat mama house we was on the phone and was about to hang up and I was like okay I love you and his response was okay bye he was scared to say it back infront of his fat mama he acted like a ***** and I knew at that moment he was not in love with me...... There is so many other stories but you guys get the point I want to be free from him I want to be alone just me life is hard I wish I could go back in time things will be different now!!

Thank you for your honesty. I carry the same unrelenting guilt. "Better judgement" is intangible in the moment. The medical community and society in general needs to be more comfortable speaking truths about parenthood and admit that a woman might need to hear from a trusted someone that it is in fact okay to not have the baby. Too little too late for some of us.

I can relate. Your not alone. I'm divorced and have one son. He is awful. I can't stand him. I also don't enjoy all the one sided work. I don't care about being single or free. Because I am single.
I just feel profound sadness taking care of a child who is selfish, lazy, lies, passive aggressive, and ungrateful.

Thanks for reassuring me, everyone. I've been with my boyfriend for a year and a half, and he has told me that he really thinks I'm the one and he wants to marry me. I'd be fine with marrying him, because I really love him, but I'm only 20 and in the middle of college. He's 23 and didn't finish college.

He wants 3-4 kids though. The thought of a family with a bunch of kids makes me cringe. He thinks I'm being selfish and irrational but I think it's fair to tell him before we get married that I don't want children! I picture myself living with a husband and a dog, not a snotty little dream-killing bundle of flesh.

I'm a single mom, & I really can't stand the fact I get no time to myself.
I'm always tired, I'm always working, & I'm always having to deal with a child that sits here and cries all day.
My son is well taken care of; but the thing is I wish I could go back in time! I do regret it, because it prevents me from doing everything I want to do in life.
It hold me down from moving on, I just wish that it could be over . But unfortunately I know it won't be.
I was 16 when I got pregnant and 17 when I had him .
I'm almost 21 , and I haven't even lived my life, I never did the things I wanted to.
Yes I know, I probably should've given him up. But I couldn't at the time .
I do love him to death but I feel that he deserves better.

I just don't know what to do! He's still young and I am too.
I just want my life to myself without worries, & regrets.

I'm always tired! & I hate it. & I feel like a complete *** writing this. But it's the truth.
I wish someone my age or someone in general could relate.

Hubby and I thought we wanted children so we did. I agree with you on some aspects though I never considered not having my child. However, I do wish that we had never tried to have children and just enjoyed our marriage. We joke that kids are suppose to add to your life, but ours sucks the life out of us! We both miss our life before and got caught up in baby fever. We do know that we are 1 and done! Couldn't even fathom two, on the horrors!

loser

very articulate answer. You sure seem to be someone real worthy of answering real life problems from people who have real life feelings based on nature and not our social nurture. You're the loser!

You are very rude.

I have two kids one 3 and one 1 month...I feel like screaming my head off daily and crying i hate being a parent :( This blog makes me feel somewhat better...I'm 22 years old and married i just want to be selfish and flee sometimes not tell anyone where i am going. I'd give almost anything for there to just be one child again i thought that was hard and then i added another to the mix gah i hate "baby fever" thinking this second one would be any different i take celexa everyday but it doesn't seem to help...I have noone to talk to i talked to my mom about it with my first one and she listened but all she kept telling me is it'll get better i promise.... it hasn'tgotton better... I just wanna be free maybe get things back to way they use to be with my husband :(

I must say that I share in the feelings here. I ended up going to therapy after my LO was born bc of an absolute nightmare experience at the hospital... For all the ladies that are out there wondering-therapy works! Your perspective must improve before your feelings do. It's easy to get trapped into longing for the past (and Jesus, do<br />
I ever!) or get anxious thinking about all the years to come... But that won't change anything. Period. No matter how we wish it would. The key to feeling peace is to find it somewhere. Take a yoga class, see a therapist, swim laps around the pool. People who spend all their time fawning over thier kids aren't who we are and it may not be who we ever be. But here we are. Don't feel bad about it, do you feel guilty if your friend enjoys soccer and you don't? What about accounting, skiing, horror movies even religion...? We don't really care how people differ in those ways but we stick like glue to the "I'm a mom and I love it" stuff. Do things for yourself... As the years roll on, your kids will change, they will make friends, be more independent, hold real conversation with you. Your relationships will change a thousand times and you just do the best you can moms.... Just do the best you can with what you have. That's what we are all trying to do. Good luck and much peace.

SO sorry to read this - but I do know women who wish they had gotten abortions. I've had several women tell me they were talked out of abortions by religious people and now they wish they had gotten it. These are good women who have tried their best but there are problems with the kids. They are NOT evil people. <br />
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I wish I never had my kids at all. They are grown now. They were SO MUCH work and at the time I didn't mind. I loved them like crazy! We worked hard to raise them well - but we indulged them too much and now they are lazy, selfish, entitled 30 year olds. We never should have had children - and they have cost us so much money, we probably will never retire. My biggest regret is becoming a mother. I imagine it always will be.

I just wanted to thank everyone who posted so honestly and frankly about their feelings and experiences, especially those who are forthcoming about the less than wonderful aspects of parenthood. <br />
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Ever since I was a child I had a feeling that motherhood wasn't for me, and although I tried to remain open-minded about it, it was impossible to ignore all of the evidence that piled on.<br />
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I have no doubt that for some parenthood is the pinnacle of their existence, deeply fulfilling and the most important role they'll ever have, but I think our society really over-glorifies parenthood in general and that it's easy to get an unrealistic expectation of what it would be like. This undoubtedly causes some to go into it with blinders on and not realize how utterly life-changing, constantly demanding and challenging parenthood really is.<br />
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Thanks to the stories here and on other sites shared by well-meaning men and women looking to help others avoid possibly making a mistake, I realize that the concerns I've had all along are real and legitimate, not just me being silly, irresponsible or immature. It would be far sillier, more irresponsible and more immature to do something as serious as bringing a human being into the world without really being fully on-board and enthusiastic about it.<br />
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Stayathomedead's story particularly touched me - I hope you have gotten more help in caring for your son. It's not fair for you to be signed up and on-duty 24/7 without ever having any time for yourself and with any hopes and dreams that you might have had for yourself being shunted to the side. This existence is not fair for you, and not fair for your son, either, who is being put in the role of an albatross that may deny him a rewarding relationship with his father later in life.<br />
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It's normal to be depressed under the circumstances you're in and especially as you have just gotten out of the military, it's probably even harder for you. I hope that things improve and that you're able to get some rest and a better perspective on things very soon. It might be worth going for some counseling just to have someone to talk to (they would probably have childcare there) and hopefully to find some solutions. Best wishes for your situation to improve soon.<br />
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Thank you again to everyone for contributing their thoughts/experiences!

I wish I hadn't had my 2 gorgeous daughters too. I am getting divorced and am so scared as to how I've let mine down. Their living conditions will reduce, I don't think they'll get on sharing a room, its all going to go wrong.. I AM A FAILURE... But I can imagine a life without them and that scares me, because as much as I feel I don't need them I want to prove to them I'm near if needed. love them but need help loving them x

I'm going to try and give a male perspective here. My wife and I have a 5 month old, something that we both thought we wanted. I agreed that since I was getting out of the military I would be a stay at home dad. Now it seems like even when my wife is home she doesn't put an effort forth to help me out with our son. I hate my life now. I am a broken, hollow, and beaten shell of the man I once was, and not a day goes by where I don't wish I could change it all. I AM ALONE, aside from the crying baby I spend the entire day.and night with. Ill never get to just be alone, or do the things Ive alwwys wanted to do. I'm no longer me, just "that guy who takes care of the baby" I am a 24/7 babysitter that is trapped in an existence I brought upon myself. And every single day I'm forced to pretend that I love it with all my heart.

I'm going to try and give a male perspective here. My wife and I have a 5 month old, something that we both thought we wanted. I agreed that since I was getting out of the military I would be a stay at home dad. Now it seems like even when my wife is home she doesn't put an effort forth to help me out with our son. I hate my life now. I am a broken, hollow, and beaten shell of the man I once was, and not a day goes by where I don't wish I could change it all. I AM ALONE, aside from the crying baby I spend the entire day.and night with. Ill never get to just be alone, or do the things Ive alwwys wanted to do. I'm no longer me, just "that guy who takes care of the baby" I am a 24/7 babysitter that is trapped in an existence I brought upon myself. And every single day I'm forced to pretend that I love it with all my heart.

I'm going to try and give a male perspective here. My wife and I have a 5 month old, something that we both thought we wanted. I agreed that since I was getting out of the military I would be a stay at home dad. Now it seems like even when my wife is home she doesn't put an effort forth to help me out with our son. I hate my life now. I am a broken, hollow, and beaten shell of the man I once was, and not a day goes by where I don't wish I could change it all. I AM ALONE, aside from the crying baby I spend the entire day.and night with. Ill never get to just be alone, or do the things Ive alwwys wanted to do. I'm no longer me, just "that guy who takes care of the baby" I am a 24/7 babysitter that is trapped in an existence I brought upon myself. And every single day I'm forced to pretend that I love it with all my heart.

I feel really bad for you all. I don't have any children but I have a ton of nieces and nephews. I can't even pretend this is the same. I know that when I have taken care of them for a few days I am totally wiped out and ready to be single again. This being said I can't imagine my life without them. I'm just curious as to what pushed you all to have children, how many children you had been around in your life and how old you were when you had them.

Sometimes I just mourn the life I could have had.<br />
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I totally love my kids to bits and at the time was delighted to be pregnant, but as the years go by I have come to realised I have given up so much to raise my children. <br />
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I can't go to work because childcare is too expensive. <br />
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I can't afford anything because I don't work. Im trapped in a relationship with someone I no longer love because the children love us as a couple.<br />
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I feel suffocated...I just wana do somethings I wana do when I want to do them...not watch stupid kids programmes n pick up toys all day

Thank you so much for sharing your experience. <br />
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During my 20s I fell in love with a man who turned out to be highly abusive and controlling. Now, people who have never been in such a relationship always say "well why didnt you leave him." Only people who have lived through abusive relationships can understand the power struggles that ensue and why a woman can leave a man several times before making a final break.<br />
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I did make the decision to end it with him once and for all and had made all plans to do so. Remember with an abusive partner, you cant just sit down have a chat and cry and say its over and then peacefully separate. No, a lot of planning has to be involved due to the expected violence. A few weeks before I would have left him I found out that I was pregnant. We had always been careful but I got pregnant after one christmas drunken night out when I did not use protection.<br />
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I did not agree with the ethics of abortion and so I did not go through with it even though I did book an appointment I didnt turn up. Although I now certainly see the other side of the story. After I made the decision to have my daughter, I actually found myself really looking forward to it. So in that sense I would not say that it was an unwanted pregnancy. I would spend hours knitting little clothes for her and spent all of some inheritance I had received on providing me with an income during late pregnancy and early childhood and new items for the baby.<br />
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I then had an absolutely horrendous birth with no pain relief which I would say I dont think I will ever recover from. I had PTSD from this which was not diagnosed until years later. I'm sure if I had been diagnosed earlier things would have turned out a lot differently. I feel a lot of anger towards health professionals, midwives, and health visitors who must have seen what a state I was in during the first few years of my daughters life.<br />
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After I had my daughter I constantly told my parents I didnt want to keep her, that I was unable to look after her, and I was in total disbelief at their response. They did not listen to me at all. No one took me seriously. They just kept teling me to stop being so stupid, that no one gives up their child, etc etc. This drove me into a great depression and after a year I became chronically ill as a result of this extreme stress. My daughter is now 6 years old and I have only just come into remission from my illness.<br />
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I have always tried to look after my daughter the best that I am able to do. But... being that I didnt want to be in this position, i..e. a single mum with effectively an unwanted child, I am sure this has had negative consequences on her, or will do one day. It causes me no end of heartache. I constantly find myself wanting to love her and to be the perfect mother but simply not being able to be. It is like she repels me for some reason and when she seeks out my attention I find I just cant give it to her much of the time. The bond just isnt there. Its as if I love her as though she is my neice. A child I would love to spend the odd weekend with but certainly not daily life. I must point out though that when we do manage to break through that we have had some wonderful times together that have been truly wonderful.<br />
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So you see, please dont feel so angry towards your mothers. What needs to be changed is societal stigma towards the idea of not wanting to have chidren. And support for mothers of unwanted children so that they can make the most healthy choice for both themselves and their offspring. <br />
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In my case a variety of factors led to my daughter being unwanted.<br />
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1. Not wanting to have children in the first place.<br />
2. Violent/abusive partner.<br />
3. Horrific birth.<br />
4. Subsequent mental illness.<br />
5. Not being listened to.<br />
6. Subsequent poverty and non-fulfilment of life dreams.<br />
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I truly believe if that the birth had not been so horrific, or if I had been treated for subsequent mental health problems and then I had been listened to I would not feel this glass wall separating myself from my child. The guilt this has resulted in has been absolutely enormous and something I hope no one else will ever have to endure.<br />
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You're right about this topic being so taboo I have found it very hard to find other people who feel the same on the internet. What a great forum! Thanks for sharing.

Oh my god. It is sooooo refreshing to find other women who feel this way. If I read or hear one more woman say "my kids are my world" or "my kids are my life", I swear I will puke. Worst thing that ever happened to me. Ruined my life - not to mention my figure! I would gladly trade all 3 of them to have my flat stomach back! lol.

don't feel guilty. now a days we as women have so much opportunities to go out and enjoy our lives having a kid puts a stop to all of that. anybody who is honest with themselfs would feel the same as you do.

Gryphon, you have no idea, yep screwed up by ever getting married at all. A person that is abused sexually, emotionally, physically and mentally should never get married or have children. I spoiled them rotten bec of it. What about your life, perfect?

@nonanny, we're only hearing your side. I guarantee if your grown daughters don't communicate with you at all, you've screwed up big time.

Keep being selfish regardless of their demands. I live in FL now and my grown daughters don't even bother to call or write on Mother's Day or my birthday. This is not how I raised them. I treated my parents with respect and love. I gave up my youth, art career, and all my energy to 2 people who could care less if I dropped dead. Don't have kids, it's a thankless job. Don't count on them being around when you are sick, old and need their moral support. They are always too busy. I'm changing my will to leave everything to the local small dog rescue group. My 2 dogs have shown me more love, devotion and loyalty that these self-centered children.

The right dog IS more loyal than kids! I have seen dogs stick by homeless men who were digging in the trash, sleeping in the street, and probably could barely cobble enough food together to feed them, yet they remain right there by their side. Many of them probably have adult children who know they are out there and don't even give a f#$% !

Yep, I agree with you. I have three girls, one of which is married, but the other two (17, 14) behave as though I should give them the world on a platter. When I want something for me, they say I'M being selfish!<br />
Sucks!

I dislike having children too. I bought into all of my parents catholic crap and decided not to use birth control when I was first married in my early twenties. I was taught that it was " playing God". I never even wanted kids. Now I have three and a step kid too. I absolutely love my husband and I want just him. There is no joy in having children. It is slavery to me and I regret my life with them every day.

I don't think God would want someone to have kids if they didnt want them

..so im not alone..

I feel the same way. I have 2 kids. I am so sick of everyone saying how precious this time is and how they grow up so fast. I feel that they can't grow up fast enough. I also have thought that other moms must be lying or fooling themselves when they say that parenthood is the best thing. I am uncomfortable talking with other parents because I am not good at lying or being fake and feel that it is obvious how much I hate being a mom. I also love my husband and long for the good old days when it was just the two of us, independent, free, and enjoying eachother. Now we have such a practical/functional relationship...just getting this one fed, this diaper changed, this one to the doctor..... What were we thinking? Why did we believe all the crap about babies being a "bundle of joy"? I agree with the above post on motherhood being a chore, no real joy in it. I keep them fed, cared for, and even try to do fun things with them, like go to the park or library. But, all the while I am out with them, I am wishing I could be doing one friggin thing that I want to do. I am so sick of the stupid kids section of the library..I want to take a nice walk through the park, not push a stupid swing 50 times. I have never felt so trapped, hopeless, unhappy (even when I was in a horrible work situation and got laid off). I feel hopeless because this situation is not going to change for a long time...I am not going to wake up tomorrow and my kids will be 18 years old no longer my responsibility. I wish I had heard from people like those on this site, or anyone else regretting children, before having them. Now, all I can do is be brutally honest about how much having kids really sucks, if anyone wants to hear my perspective...perhaps someone else will make a better choice for themselves.

I completely relate. My story is even more unfortunate, because we couldn't get pregnant for five years, and did invitro. So I wasn't even supposed to have kids. I feel exactly the same way. I really just find almost no joy in motherhood. I mostly consider it a chore, and it is uncomfortable talking to people who thing that parenthood was the best thing that ever happened to them, because I keep thinking that they must be lying, I do not feel that way at all. I am a responsible person, so I am going through the motions, and like you said, they could do worse, it is just that, frankly, I don't really enjoy spending time with them at all, I am utterly, extremely bored with the whole experience. I am a little different because I absolutely love my husband, and just want him all to myself. I can't stand the screeching and whining and grabbing, and jumping, and everything. Thanks for letting me vent, no one understands.