My Life.

I don't even know where to start. I have been hiding things for so long, I have lost who I am. When I was a child, I saw my father abuse my half brother, who started to get in trouble with the law at 14. My father was an alcoholic and my mother was a drug addict. I have experienced seeing my mom get abused, seen both my parents cheat on one another. They divorced when I was 7. Thats when my mom got custody of me, and for so long wouldnt even want me to go to school because she was to busy doing her meth. Luckly, my dad straightened out and got me back at the age of 9. At the age of 10, I was raped by both male and female. I was young, I didn't know what was really going on, except that I had to keep those things a secret. And I still have until this day. At the age of 16, I moved out and lived with my boyfriend of 2 years. We broke up and he became a stalker, constantly following me..until he finally moved back to his hometown. I found another guy who I lived with for another 2 years. Again, another failed relationship. Seemed like I could never find love, so I started partying heavily (not drugs, but alcohol and weed). I met a new guy, and thought things were good. Until a month later, he started hitting me. He always said sorry, and he would never do again. I believed him. But it kept getting worse and worse. I tried to break away, but he told me if I ever left him he would hurt my family or something worse to me. So, I kept my mouth shut and lied to everyone about my bruises. 8 months later, after a night at the bar with him and his friend, he chased his friend with a knife, while I ran inside the house. He kicked down the door, and found me and put the knife to my throat. If it wasn't for his friend calling the police, I can only imagine what could have happened. Today, he is looking at 5 years in prison. After all that, I lost myself completely because I had no one to talk to, to get support from, that I started drinking heavily again. Now, I believe I have genital warts. I'm to scared to go to the doctor, because of the outcome. I have stopped drinking, and weed and found a good place to start fresh, but I'm still uncomfortable with who I am. I was a cutter for 5 years, haven't done it for 2 years. But it was the one thing I could rely on. Who will be there when I need a shoulder to cry on? I feel like I reached my breaking point, and I dont know where to turn. I want help, but I want people to think I'm just that average girl with nothing wrong with her.
xl0t89 xl0t89
18-21, F
2 Responses May 8, 2012

hey you can talk to me, write me back, I am in Canada, but can still help you.

Yes, there is nothing wrong with you. But there is nothing I can help you with coz I have problems of my own. Not that I don't want to but I can't tell u any great advice bcoz I haven't been there yet, I hope not. But good luck on overcoming it :) And always think positive.