A Perfect Facade.

My parents and I have a complicated relationship. Actually, our whole family does. No one shows their real emotions. I don`t know why, but basically my whole entire family just bottles their feelings up. I think I inherited this because I can`t show my parents how I feel.
I am depressed. I think about suicide more than normal. A lot actually. I used to self-harm in high school, but joke and make fun of it with everyone. What sucks is that I can`t get help. Not on my own, it`s too scary. I want and need my families help, but we aren`t good at this. Me and my parents and my brother. We`re not good at seeing the rough and sad spots of eachother and helping and stuff. It makes it really annoying and sad because it`s like we have a mask on, even with the people that we`re supposed to be close with. When I was 12 I started self-harming. When I was 14 my brother seen. He told me that if I kept doing it he`d tell my parents, which at the time I was really scared of. I was supposed to be the normal, happy, full of life daughter that they seen all the time. So I stopped. It didn`t really matter if I did or not though because my brother never brought it up again. Ever. I don`t blame him, seeing as how we don`t even know how to deal with the emotional things, but I think I would`ve probably been better maybe if he told them anyways.
I`ve been thinking about going to a therapist or a doctor, or whatever I`m supposed to go see for this and get it checked out maybe.
In all likelihood it won`t happen.

Ugghhh, life sometimes.
TheSmellOfWinter TheSmellOfWinter
18-21, F
3 Responses May 16, 2012

Honey, I know exactly how you feel. I've never self harmed myself, but I have gone through some really rough stuff in the past year, and because of my inability to express "normal" human emotions it really messed me up. I often have nightmares and feel a bit of anxiety. I know you don't want to talk to anyone, and don't even really know how for that matter, just like me, but you have to man up and do it. Just let one person (who you trust and who is extremely close to you) outside of your family know. I personally talked to a teacher whom I had become very close to in high school and who is a great listener. It was really hard for me to say what happened, but he made me feel comfortable enough telling him. It's about talking to the right person. He then helped me schedule an appointment with an on campus psychiatrist. I've been going there a couple times a week and have found that it's SO much easier to talk to someone. I didn't realize how bad it is for you to bottle up your emotions. Please seak help, it's worth it. I PROMISE. I know your scared, but it will REALLY help you to just let your feelings go and there is COMFORT behind sharing these feelings and knowing that someone, at least SOMEONE can see past your facade. :) Good luck sweetheart!

Wow! it must suck, but do what i do. Serch really deep inside for something worth living for. if it not for ur family then do it for the most important person, Urself :) I wish u the best of luck, Stay strong

Hello !<br />
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I see your post is kinda old, but if you still need help, you can talk to me. I have a suicidal brother, and I can tell you that therapy rarely helps in those situation, you just need to talk to someone who is not payed to listen, add me if you feel like letting it all out, I'd be glad to help