Trying Not To Feel Betrayed From My Parents..but Its Hard..i Need Advice..

(this is kinda long, but if you start you must finish to the absolute end!!)

I have a hard time not feeling like the total black sheep of my family..i've always always had a troubling relationships with my mom & my dad..Its gotten better throughout the years but I am the youngest of 4 and none of my siblings or my parents have really experienced what i've been through.. As long as i can remember, i've been severely depressed.. felt inferior 24-7..would have great boyfriends and friends but pushed them away.. I'd turn to alcohol sometimes and just want to FEEL something and most of the time alcohol did help me..for just a couple hours that is.. I got into a horrible accident Aug 16 2012.. Partially due to alcohol.. my parents drove 3 hours that night to make sure i was ok..my car got totaled and i was numb.. My parents were supportive and tried to be nice but i knew inside they were hurting.. sometimes, they talk to me like they are walking on eggshells because they know how angry or defensive i can be when i hear something i dont want to.. a couple hours later, they left to go back home and i was left in the city with no car and an empty apartment.. I was so mad at myself..i didn't trust anyone anymore, i didn't know who to turn to, i prided myself on being independent and taking care of myself..now i felt like i had to swallow my pride and ask for a ride somewhere or needed something else.. I deleted tons of people out of my life because i was ashamed and embarrassed.. yet, all i wanted was someone to shake me and say stop being stubborn, i love you and im here for yoU! Anyways, for about 3 months after my accident i drank a lot, hung out with the wrong people, didn't talk to my friends, and for some reason i started cutting myself..and praying every night before i went to bed that i wouldn't wake up in the morning. I knew all the cuts on my arms and wrists wouldn't kill me but it did numb me.. i started writing on a blog and talked about my feelings and gave my parents the link so they could read whats going on in my mind..around late october my body couldn't handle the alcohol anymore so a co worker recommended i just try & attend AA..i mentioned it to my mom and she reacted like i was speaking french to her..she didn't know much about it but if i think i should go then i should...a couple weeks later she actually came down to visit and mentioned going to a meeting which was super surprising to me since she has no idea about alcoholics, depression, addiction, etc.. so i looked it up and there was one in an hour.. we went and both cried and she held my hand and it was one of the best experiences ever..hearing people talk about how alcohol has ruined lives and relationships was like hitting home to me.. after the meeting, it felt like i had a new lease on life and a new start with my parents.... that high didn't last very long..only about 2-3 weeks..then i started being depressed again.. i didn't have a car..i had to drop out of college.. and one night i drank and started to REALLY cut myself.. i sent a picture of my bleeding arm to my parents email and all i got back was "dont ever send me something like that again, so much for your 'new' life." and that was from my dad- who is my biggest supporter.. that made me feel the worst.. i felt like that was my way of screaming out for help but i was ashamed to actually come out and say I NEED HELP.. eventually i slowly felt better, my lawyer was optimistic, i started a great relationship with a guy and started to feel whole again.. my parents told me weekly they were proud of my progression and i was actually starting to feel proud of myself.. i think i just woke up one day and thought i am so sick of feeling this miserable i am 25 years old i can't keep wasting these days like this and be this negative person at work all the time.. I got my prozac regulated about 2 months ago and its a God send.. i use to feel ashamed or wouldn't take anti depressants because i thought it labeled me as a crazy women, but now i can say it loud & proud..if you need it, take it. thats why its out there.. i was born with a imbalance in my brain and this keeps it balanced and i just feel 'content'

BUT.......

about a week ago, i got a call from my lawyer and said the prosecutor was re-reviewing my medical records from my neurologist and saw a comment from the doctors nurse saying:
"Patients mother called expressing concern about patients severe depression and her supressing her emotions with alcohol and wanted a referral to an inpatient psych place"
& this was middle of september..a month after my bad accident.... and my lawyer said thats gonna kick me in the *** in court and could face jail time because of my own mothers statement...
my mom never told me she called my doctor.. or that she was truly THAT worried about me to have me committed. even though at that time its pry exactly what i needed but all the support i received was a phone call or text from my parents every other day or so and sometimes they would have to hang up or not talk to me because i seemed helpless and nothing they could do would help.. After i hung up from my lawyer i had all these horrible thoughts... if my parents were concerned why didn't they come get me and take me back home?? all they would say is go to work and be happy..you are alive..etc..
That night, i called my dad and said how hurt i was and i didn't know how to feel or take in this news.. and he didn't know what to say..but one thing he said that broke my heart was "if we drove down there every time you were sad or depressed that would be 4 times a day.".. & also said my mom called my doc because if i did kill myself they would have to live with themselves the rest of their life... and i got defensive because i'm thinking do you even understand how CLOSE i was to killing myself???? i sent you bleeding pictures..you saw my blog...you guys heard me cry 4-5 times a week.. you can calll my doctor and have that on file that you called just for your own satisfaction cuz if i did die least there is evidence you 'tried' ?????? I'm not a parent, but i feel like if my child was battling something that i didn't understand or relate to, i would do everything in my power to understand so that my child who is begging and pleading everyday that she just wants a normal life and to feel ok again then i can truly help her.... i dont know what to feel.. i haven't talked to them in 3 days and thats extremely long for me & my mom to go without talking... but i guess my ending note is..if you knew how sad i was and harmful.. and knew that if 'you drove down for every time i was depressed you'd be here 24-7' then what else should i have done to show you i truly needed help???? Why did you have to go to my doctor??? I have court the 30th and not sure whats gonna be in store for me, but i'm just trying to pray for strength....
rockbottomrachel rockbottomrachel
22-25, F
3 Responses Jan 14, 2013

I understand. I do

How to move on..or be able to talk to my parents again.. she said i was being mean towards her for confronting her on it.. all i could say was 'how could you?' to her.. but i have a hard time forgiving..and i'm trying so so hard not to feel like the victim.. i know i am responsible for my own feelings and actions & i know they are truly incredible parents but i just dont think mental illness is something to take lightly.. I'm always scared something is gonna happen to either one of them and here i am being angry or misunderstood.. i do believe in choosing your battles but i had to stand up for myself... i just dont think they understand how badly i could have ended up and its still a daily struggle to reassure myself that it'll get better but its a constant battle.. i dont know what to do with myself or that relationship..

This is a really sad story. I hope you can make it through this. What do you need advice on?