Lonely

I have been missing my family so much it hurts lately but the last phone call we had I was told that I wasn't a part of their family anymore......that killed something inside of me that is just undescribable. I can't explain everything in this story but a lot has happened in the past six years. I have made some mistakes and bad choices but I have also made some really good choices. I try so hard just to be a good person and I try to do the right thing. Everyone I know in SC is proud of me and tells me how strong I am...... I don't feel strong in the slightest. My family is in WA and I haven't seen them in about 6 years now. My husband and I were going to try to move their to see if it would be better there because of everything just seemed to be crumbling here in SC. I found out one day before we were going to leave, my husband surprised me with news!! We got in the truck and headed across the country on one of the coldest rides I've ever had.
We got there in about five days. Everyone seemed happy to see us but it was uncomfortable. The trip there is a whole story in it's own. My family just was not what I remembered, I had changed so much and they didn't even take time to find out who I had become, instead I got treated like I did when I was 16. I could not believe how separate my family had become, mom and dad in separate rooms every night until bed. The tension and sadness in the house was dragging me down badly. I had wanted to go home for so long but after the first day I was ready to head back to SC. I cried almost every night, I just couldn't believe that this is how my family was now. I keep thinking what would have happened if I had never left WA......would I be just as sad and miserable as them??
We had used all of our savings to get there. My stepdad had promised us work as soon as we got there but unfortunately we only got to work a few days, he was even debating if he should put us on the books and give us a pay check so taxes would get taken out!! We were waiting for my taxes to come back so we could leave. When they finally came I found out they took all of my state taxes, almost 1500!!!! We used all my federal taxes to get home, by the time we got to SC we were almost out of money. We moved in with his mom, a whole other story. We had to start all over and I am still trying to pick up the pieces.
We have been back for almost a year now. I called my family about 4 months ago and asked for $40 just to make it through the week for gas and food. My stepdad got on the phone and said all these mean hateful things to me, he hadn't talked to me since I left. The fight was awful and that's when he told me that I wasn't a part of their family anymore along with a bunch of hateful things. My mom would not get on the phone or say anything, I can't believe she let him say that to me. After the huge fight with my stepdad on the phone my mom texted me asking what kind of drugs I was on and if I needed help....... all because I ask for a few dollars to make it through. I hadn't asked for anything in a long time for this reason.
This happened in August and I haven't heard anything..... I haven't been that bad, Im not cracked out or begging for money from people, I just needed a little help. My heart is constantly aching. I have been trying to build a family since I have been back to no avail. I feel so lonely some times and I don't want my husband to know that cuz he will think that it is him or us. I just want a mom so badly. Someone to call when I don't feel good, to call when I have girl questions, a mom to be around when I have a baby, I just want a mom, my mom. Am I really that bad??
I just don't understand why all these things keep happening to me and my husband. I haven't done anything super bad....... arghhhhhhhhhhhhh I just feel so lonely sometimes and wish it would go away as well as this ache in my heart..........