Unsure

My husband left one early one morning for a 4 day "guys trip" and whispered in my ear how amazing i am and how much he loved me. When he got back 4 days later he was a different person. he avoided me at all costs. Would "accidentally" fall asleep in our kids bed when tucking them in. It was so strange so i asked him what was up? why is so distant? So then he dropped a bomb- He went on and on about how he didn tknow if he was in love with me anymore, if we got married for the right reasons (we were parents prior to marriage) that he was questioniinghis life's path,and not sure about what it is he wanted in life. I was devastated. we had been married for 5 years at the time have 3 kids a new house...all the things people dream of. What the hell was he talking about?? After many weeks of discussing our future he spits "I dont want a divorce but it seems we have no choice" I felt like he stabbed me. The next day i had to go christmas shopping and cried the whole time. I was a pathetic mess. 25 and divorced for not making him happy enough?! Wow.
After much research i found a good counslling program and marriage revival program called retrovaille. He saw his Dr.- who told him he was depressed and put him on meds. The road to recovery seemed to be in sight. But one day he left his Blackberry in the truck. I NEVER snoop on his phone- but he was being so weird i thought maybe i better look. Sure enough- i find them. BBM messages between him and an 18 girl who was friends with his sister. The only one i read before he caught me was "i hope youre touching yourself" written by him. I was so angry and hurt. I thought ok this is why. He SNATCHED the phone from my hands and was shaking. he deleted the whole conversation and tried to tell me i read it wrong. Even just typing this brings back all the anger. I hated him so  much in that moment i knew we were done. I was going to have to pack up my 3 kids and get the hell away. I left for 4 days and while i was gone i called the 18 year old up. She CLAIMS (and so does he) that it never got farther than the text messages. that he initiated the conversations and would always start them with "hey goodlooking" she said it wasonly for 10 days or so and that they never met inperson. How will ever know? he deleted everything. Proceeded to delete his ENTIRE facebook account and refused to let me look at his emails. He never really did apologize until we went to a counseller.

We went on to try the Retrovauille program- which was a great communication tool and we were able to work some of our smaller issuses out. He is now carrying on 'business as usual' and i am left with all the feelings of doubt, betrayal, hurt, anger...i could go on and on. How will ever trust him again. Just because he claims to have never seen her in person doesnt mean its true. He lied so much how do i ever believe a word? Even if they never met physically - i will never know the extent of their conversations or if there was an emotional relationship. The emotiional affair feels so  much worse to me. I think about it EVERYDAY and to make it worse she works part time where i work. We live in a VERY small town and i see her face twice a week....makes me want to die. I know that some wives who KNOW for a fact they have been cheated on will read this and think- suck it up girl at least he didnt sleep with the hussy. But i will never know for sure, the not knowing is so much worse.

Present day we fight all the time about money, and housework. I spend too much money and not enough time on housework. It makes it so much easier to hate him. i want to leave but i trapped with no money and 3 kids to take with me,. So i am trying to make it work- but i cant let it go. I want to be happy but i also want my kids to be happy. They need us both. I really do love him with all my being and HATE him all at the same time. Counselling doesnt seem to help me anymore and i am already on meds to cope with anxiety. I wish there was a way to know the truth
bk0186 bk0186
22-25
1 Response Oct 2, 2011

i knw how does it feel exactly when u find ur husband cheated on u ,my story is almost same like u,but my husband is shameless nd he was nvr guilty abt cheating on me he was seeing me and anothr married woman before we got married at the same time nd i didnt knw this it was after our wedding i found out thru his mails tht he was having an affair wid this married women (mother of two kids) shameless women !!! he cheating on me all the time since we met and got married ,he deleted all the mails so i culdnt find out upto wat extent thy went and evn i live in a small town so i get to see tht women quite often in social gatherings its so damn hurting although he apologized wen i found out but is apology enuf for cheating? i cnt take it out frm my mind nd cnt luv him nymore.He seems to behave like normal as if nothin happened nd excepts me to do the same .