So Unfair!

You know how they say men peak in their late teens and early 20's but women peak closer to 40? What the H*LL! Why can't we having matching hormones and an insatiable appetite for sex at the same time?

It had become very noticeable to me as I turned forty this past fall that something had changed. I have heard that a lot of men think with their **** and not with their brain. That they will never turn down the opportunity for sex. Women, on the other hand, are supposed to be the ones who deny pleasure and keep their legs tightly pressed together for the sake of being in control of something! Who the H*LL came up with these stereotypes? I am living proof that they cannot be more wrong!

As a woman who lived in a sexless marriage for over three years, I can definitely say that not all men have the urge to have sex all the time. Now granted, my husband did have low testosterone and now takes hormone replacement to fix that, but even after injecting mega doses of testosterone into his sytem every month, he does not feel that way. On the other hand, I feel like an 18 year old boy who gets excited over some cute girl smiling at them. I do prefer men by the was just a comparison. How could nature be so cruel to give a woman like me the stamina and libido of a p*rn star? What exactly am I to do?

I just wanted to vent a little and get rid of some of these puzzling questions that weigh down my mind. It is in no way an invitation for wild sex with any EP member so don't bother to comment if that is the case. I only want one thing....honesty. Tell me honestly what you think.

emptyheart emptyheart
41-45, F
16 Responses Feb 20, 2009

You are an exception rather than the rule. Most women I know don't have higher libido than the average guy. Have you wondered were the stereotypes came from?

God has a sense of humor. He did that so the drama would get better.

OK, you want honesty; that's what you will get. I am not trying to seduce you, I live somewhat miles further than the average. I guess. The question is has sex anything to do with love. Of course it has. The thing is one can have sex without love as well: called "lust". Don't tell me women can't; I know they can. I experienced they can. They are even better at it; the ones I met, than men. Read a few words back please; "the ones I met". I cannot. I do not have to love someone but there has to be extreme chemistry. Otherwise I won't even try. Or I'll say "goodbye" when she tries. Of course there are men out there who do not give a ........ I think that is women-unfriendly..... like women can be men-unfriendly. Use them and throw them away.<br />
To the point: when there is no sex at all, I think a relation can't do without, and the one who can't give for what ever reason, CAN give by allowing the other to have a "sort" of relation with someone else. With one restriction: "till death do us part", that is your vow that you should keep at all times.<br />
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I am a man; when I would be in the position not to have sexual intercourse with my wife, for whatever reason; I would tell her to get a lovely lover, as long as our vow is sacred to her.The other way around is exactly the same in my opinion. <br />
In my mind I would like to see her enjoy what I wouldn't be able to give. Because I love her. The one you love one should be able to sacrafice oneself. "Unconditional love" I bet your (all of your) marriage(s) will be as before; in an other way, but still.<br />
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The powerword: unconditional love!<br />
<br />

Dear Empty: You have posted on the Sexless Marriage site. By reading our stories you know that it's not a question of you turning him ON!. I am sure with your drive you have tried many things to get him hot and bothered. <br />
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My husband has been on testosterone for years. First injections and now the gel. While things got a little better in the excitability department, he still didn't have any desire. Of course after a man lives virtually sexless for all of those years, that in and of itself would reduce his drive.<br />
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As long as he is willing to engage with you, give you pleasure and let you know he cares enough to try, that's all any of us can ask I guess.

Pusherseven, I love your terminology! I am a female sex and affection prisoner. Ditto to all you said.

Pusherseven,<br />
I feel for you. Perhaps it will get better. I have been married for 15 years now, almost entirely sexless. 15 years of being denied made me feel unloved, undesired, sad all the time and angry. I kept thinking what the hell is going on. I take care of myself, workout, and other men think I look awesome. I know other men want me but all I wanted was my huband. Suddenly, out of the blue he calls me one day and apologizes, breaking down in tears wondering why he treated me this way for so long. I have no idea what brought that on. He says he just had an epiphany of sorts and felt like I was really unhappy and ready to leave. I was stunned. Not sure what to make of that but he really has changed, truly. He used to buy me all kinds of "love" gifts. I kept thinking if he "loved" me so much why doesn't he ever touch me, hold me and frankly **** me! I must be the only woman on the planet who could care less about diamonds, roses and chocolate. What I want is a hot sweaty night between sheets and have it mean something. Now I am left with confusion and plenty of resentment but that is fading with each kiss, touch and night. Some people can change, if they want to. He did and we are working on getting past the last 15 years. It is a re-marriage in a sense, starting from scratch and so far the "scratch" has been incredible. Perhaps there is hope for you and your wife. For what it is worth, your photo is hot as hell. I can't imagine any woman denying you but that's just me.

Stereotype? Clinical research? How about there are percentages! AND given there are millions of people on this planet or more, and that everyone is very dynamic and many do not fit the percentages,...the result is that there are many young women who have **** star drive, and there are many young men who don't.<br />
I am 45 going on 46, a man, and I have the drive of a **** star. Go figure I'm married, with kids, and have a 39 year old wife that has a lower half colder than dry ice and a drive that would shut down UPS world wide in a day.<br />
I pray for a windfall so I can buy her a house down the street, give her a big chunk of cash, and keep all my stuff, and DIVORCE. <br />
I dream and pray for a woman to confide in and be my life time high drive lover.<br />
Until then I'm in sexual and affection prison. No love, no touch, no sex, no, no, no....

OMG! I am amazed how similar your story is to mine! I thought, only I have a problem like that! Cheers, sister!

Aaaaand also I think it would be best if you two dealt with this issue as a team? <br />
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Maybe deep down inside he's feeling even more frustrated that he can't experience what you want to experience. Maybe even more frustrated...

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh. Yeah. I agree with TheRealWoman on this one ^_^

My husband had been taking monthly testosterone injections. It helps some but is not an easy fix. There are so many variables. He can become aroused but not always stay aroused. He tries to make up for it in other ways but it isn't the same. I need a lesson on making love with the mind like TheRealWoman suggests. Maybe I'm just being selfish here but I miss the hot sweaty sex that curls your toes.

sorry to hear this - seems ur dealing with it in a constructive way !

Talked to a professional, therapist, doctor, etc about it? Just wondering..

-stalks SOUL-<br />
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Seduction is probably the key here... seduce him if you want to make love. Bring him to you... entice him into bed, into your arms... into you. Smile, flirt, shop for some wonderfully sexy lingerie... encourage him... go oral on him... (he may have some performance anxiety... so this might be a good first course!). Once you get him into a rhythm, he may start returning all these favors!

I concur with coyotegray....I am emotionally polyamorous and my kisses and hugs are spread far and wide, but I'm "soulfully" Monogamous. I am my man's woman and he's my man. Communication and adaptation in hard health times is the key. There are SO MANY WAYS to make love....start in your mind.

I think it depends on the man...<br />
Some stay young in the sex dept<br />
and others dont.....<br />
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It can be the same for women also....