I Don't Know How I Got Here

Sometimes I have one of those surreal moments where I don't know how I got here, but then I think about it and I can retrace my steps. Don't get me wrong I love my children so much it hurts (one of my issues) I got pregnant at 19 and had a little boy that anyone would love to have. Adorable and precocious and affectionate. I married his dad because I was pregnant and we had another little boy 4 years later. I was pretty happy, though I always felt like I missed so much of my youth. As time went on, I realized that I didn't love my husband the way I should, but I was committed to our family and that was enough for me. In the end, he is the one who sought someone outside our relationship and we split up. I accept that we won't be married our whole lives-we were kids when we got married, but I wish he would have just ended it instead of betraying my trust (long story) Anyway flash forward, since we split so many bad things have happened. I have become so bitter. more bitter than I was at first. My second son was diagnosed with a brain tumor. He had surgery-no more tumor, but he is blind in one eye and has scars. He is angry. He hates my boyfriend. He doesn't know how to relate to other people and I don't know how to help him. I have no support system. When my son was sick and my marriage was ending I was a wreck and lost the ability to connect with others somehow. I just felt so isolated and anguished I couldn't even TALK about it. My ex has done nothing but badmouth me to my kids for the last 6 years (from what I hear this is typical of the "guilty" party--he is the one who left the marriage--I am the bad one-the ***** and irresponsible mother) I didn't know how to stand up for myself and felt helpless in the face of it all. And on top of it, 3 years ago my dad died suddenly-went into a coma and never came out of it. There is so much tension that my boyfriend and I are struggling to stay together and he has issues of his own too. I was raised in a small family-no extended family and I don't have any close friends anymore. I AM trying. I work full time, I am working on a degree, I take my son to the Y and try to think of things he would enjoy, but he never does. I have no time to just relax and enjoy myself. When free time shows up, I don't have anything I want to do. My boyfriend likes to go out, but I have so many responsibilities and I am in such a habit, that I don't know how to relax and enjoy myself anymore. My mind is full of negative thoughts and everyone seems so different than me and like they are enjoying their lives and frankly I can't relate. I used to be so different, I used to feel beautiful and have fun. I don't feel that way anymore. I feel like life has knocked me down and I don't even know who I am anymore.
priorities priorities
36-40, F
Dec 16, 2012