She Loves Me, But...

My wife and I have been married for three years and together for almost five. We have a very blended family, we each had two children from a previous marriage (I adopted her two) and then we had our own baby daughter together in 2005.

The issue is that I've never felt that she had a passionate love for me. I've mentioned it many times and she just told me that I was wrong and she didn't know what the problem was.

She recently turned 35 and really stopped hard to look at her life. She realized that she doesn't have that passion for me that she should. She played that "you deserve better than me" card.

To her credit, she's willing to work on this, but I'm not sure how to go about it. I'm very much in love with my wife and would do anything for her...and I do. I very passionate about her, so this is a very hard time for me right now.

Here's the strange part: I told her that I think we need to reconnect somehow and that we should - as best you can with five kids - do things out of our normal routine so that we can kind of date all over again. So, last weekend, I placed candles all around our back deck and grilled some filet mignon and made a really nice dinner. I made us both a drink and had her close her eyes and sat her down at the table.

When she opened her eyes, she was really surprised and seemed happy. After we ate and she had her drink, she had a bit of my drink and we went into our bedroom. From 10:30pm to 3:00am, we were engaged in a very passionate lovemaking session that blew my mind.

She was very loving, tender, etc. Not like when she hasn't been drinking where she is not really "there" with me. She said many things that made me feel that we were very much connected and she was very, very passionate with me.

The next day she claims not to remember everything and she's more confused than ever. Things have gone back to the same routine. She does love me and I know that. She is trying to give this a shot, but I'm so conflicted about that night versus what happens normally. She was a completely different woman that night.

She doesn't want to talk about it because it upsets her that she doesn't know why it's like that (she's been very passionate before after drinking) and she's bothered by how she isn't like that normally.

I'm just confused and it's upsetting that her reaction to that night is so negative when it was such a great night for me...and I thought for her as well.

What do I do? I don't want to divorce her. I love her to death, but I don't want a loveless marriage. I want our kids to see their parents in love with each other. It's important to me that our children have a solid example of how a couple should be with each other and how they handle adversity within their relationship.

In fact, my wife had given me a hickey on my neck that night (not normal at all) and our almost 15 year old daughter was mortified, of course. But she later admitted to me that it was cool that I was so romantic that night with the candle lit dinner and she thought that it was funny that her mom gave me a hickey. She said that her friends were all thinking it was so cool because their dads never do anything like that for their moms.

That's exactly what I want my kids to see. I want my daughters to expect more from their relationships. I want them to choose someone who appreciates and respects them and will go out of their way to show that on a regular basis, not just when they are courting.

Oy, I'm going on and on. Sorry.

I'm just very conflicted and want to figure out the best way for she and I to "reconnect" or "connect", whichever it may be.
SpringForward2k8 SpringForward2k8
41-45, M
5 Responses May 6, 2007

I could have written your story and I'm sorry this is happening to you. When my wife drinks, she often opens up to me in a wonderful way. But, she just as often forgets everything that happened between us. I think she is just an alcoholic that experiences many highs and lows. <br />
I have quit drinking for a few years now, just because I cannot handle the pain she inflicts upon me while she is drinking. I don't know how long I can stand this crap. I love her to death, but I think her other relationship is with a bottle of alcohol.

If she has no other mental health issues such as onset of depression, and has no physical problems, or emotional problems that make sex less desirable for her, then you may need to find out if she has another relationship. <br />
It is perfectly normal for a relationship to seem less passionate as it matures. The demands of raising children do present obvious challenges to relationships and intimacy. <br />
You must take responsibility for yuor own happiness! Don't be too pushy or insecure with her, giover her time, and be patient, but not forever. If she feels pressured into having such nights regularly, or feels over pressured in any way it could ruin what might otherwise be worth saving.<br />
Finally, talk to a sister or brother or her sister or brother or close friend. Sometimes stress comes from knowing what to do and not doing it. A coward dies a thousand deaths. There are many men out there who would take her, and many women who like to be with you. There needs to be a compelling reason to stay together even if you are married with kids. Kids do better coming from ammicable divorces, than living with excessive conflict. I wish you and her the best!<br />
Google "Tara Brach" ( trust me, it will be very helpful!)

I'm not sure how open you are about this subject but heres an idea.. open a discussion where she can talk about old relationships, see if there is a pattern with someone she claims rocked her world before just get some background info . it may be hard to be ob<x>jective but maybe if she could open up about it (without you being insecure) it would help you find where you are at? just a suggestion then you might find the things that really turn her on .

I'm a recovering alcoholic (not at all saying your wife is an alcoholic) and I know that I was much better at communicating the way I feel after a few drinks. I would be willing to bet that your wife is really passionate about you but doesn't know how to express it. Alcohol reduces inhibitions and lets things come out that are ALREADY THERE. I mean that somehow she is denying or repressing the passion for you that lies within her. Alcohol just allows those passions to come to the surface. Just my take on it. Good luck.

OK, i have now finished reading all of your stories and sadly, like MANY of mine, your stories are full of pain. I think what you did for her was BEAUTIFUL and i know that right now the two of you are also dealing with the fact that she is depressed. I can think of MANY reasons why she might be acting the way she is now, after an incredibly romantic and passionate night, but right now i don't think any of my theories are worth getting into. ALL i am asking you to do, is remember the evening with JOY and try not to let her conflicting thoughts about it confuse you too much or let her feelings (afterwards) take away from a MUTUAL enjoyable night of passion. JUST remember that she was there ENJOYING herself (in the moment) as much as you did!! REMEMBER the actual TIME when it happened as opposed to her possibly over-thinking and analyzing things afterwards. She OBVIOUSLY enjoyed herself, You have the hickey to prove it ;) You sound like a very CARING man who is doing the BEST under difficult circumstances. HANG in there, trust me, coming from a women who knows where your wife is (although perhaps for very diff't reasons), if she didn't want to be passionate with you that night, she simply would not have!!