I Need An Angel

I have had my heart broken so badly and I am 10 floors up just thinking about jumping when it is against everything i believe in.

I dont know what to do or how to breathe.

he made me believe i had something wrong with me for so long, i couldnt do enough and everything i tried to do to make him happy wasnt good enough. he finished me telling me it was me when there were other girls all along.

why did he have to lie and tell me he loved me and there was nothing i could do to make him stop. why did he have to let me open up that way to him and trust him only for him to be playing me all along.

i am 30 years old i thought i couldnt make this mistake again. i didnt believe i could trust somebody like i trusted him. i just wish i could jump on a place and go somewhere else but i am stuck inthe city i moved to for him.i need help
lockitt lockitt
1 Response Aug 6, 2010

Unfortunately I have been there. I was with a guy for a year and a half and he made me feel the same way. Constantly picking me apart and making me feel like I was the problem. If only I did this, If only I did that... only to break up with me after intimate talks of marriage and children. The breakup was cruel and unkind, he further dug the knife by picking me apart piece by piece to further reiterate how I didn't add up. I got through with faith and a great circle of people in my faith. Only to find myself six months later with him casually re-entering my life when I was trying to move on and get to know someone else. Someone loving and kind. Because of the uncertainty I felt for him because of the way I loved him and the insecurities I felt because of the foundation he laid, I found myself curious and pleased that he once again needed me. We only talked for a few months, but in the midst of these talks I completely sabotaged the relationship with the guy I was seeing without any provocation on his behalf. I finally met with my ex only to find out that he was terrible and selfish. I didn't want to be someone's doormat and he really had nothing to offer me. I had been treated so well for the past six months and seeing him again made it so clear that I deserve more. It made it clear that the guy I was with deserved more. But alas, it was too late. The damage had been done. My guy was strong and was not going to settle for my wishy washy **** and play second fiddle to a loser. My heart is broken once again, but this time in a real way because I hurt the man I really loved and whom really deserved my heart and my best. Icing on the cake, I found out four months later that my ex had been cheating on me the whole time we were together. He completely destroyed me, only to leave me, and callously return when he had been cheating on me the whole time. I threw a good love away for a cheater and a liar and in turn made myself a cheater and a liar for the first time in my life. It is disgusting. You have to love yourself more. You have to demand better. You have to be better. The truth is, that is not the love you want. You need to investigate yourself and ask yourself why you would allow someone to treat you like that. You need to be who you want to be and you need to demand equal to what you give. You love him, but he isn't worth it. You do not want to spend the rest of your life being picked apart and trying to change for reasons that aren't your own. Find out who you are by finding out who you are not. You are better than that and unfortunately when you allow someone to treat you that way they will. I know it is hard to distinguish between genuine concern and encouragement. The truth is, people normally pick you apart when they have crap about them that they don't like and are in denial. When they are up to something and not as kosher as they put off. They project and push you away because they are too cowardly to speak up and speak their truth. I don't know if this helps, but maybe you could seek professional help. I wish I had seen a therapist after my last break up to deal with my issues before I hurt someone else because I was pained by my past. You deserve to be loved and accepted. It doesn't matter that you are 30, I am 30 it is better to get it right later in life than to get it wrong earlier only to feel obligated and stuck because of vows and a family.<br />
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Much Love darling... I am equally heartbroken. EP is doing wonders for me, but I am still looking for a therapist to talk to and work through my issues instead of around.