On Another Site

So, I must mention I'm generally not the sociable type. i have no problem interacting with people, but I make friends very hard, because I only truly consider people who I really have a deep connection with as "friends". I have only one true friend who's not in my family. Now... I want to keep separating true friends from acquaintances, but I wish I could trust and connect with people a little easier, even though a lot of "friends" I had turned out to be just taking advantage etc.

Now, there's this poetry site I constantly go to. I enjoy the poetry and community there. I actually used to have a close friend I met there, but he changed a lot in the meantime. Anyway, last year right before going to college (well a few months before) I started communicating with this girl from another continent on the site. She was just a year or half a year older than me and a third-year psychology student. I was in awe with her intelligence and fascination with psychology - no "friendship", I just sort of idolized her. I even wrote her a casual dedication poem to show my appreciation, but I saw her as way above me. We were both in this psychology club and she would clarify things about some questions I asked. Eventually, we started IMing regularly and even exchanging IDs. We were no longer talking about just psychology, we were now sharing life experiences and feelings and impressions. We talked about love life, food, everyday events, and so on. I ended up telling her some very intimate details about me and so did she. I had become reluctant to call anyone a "friend" very fast, but I was slowly getting there with her. We would support each other through stuff. When Christmas was about to come around, she asked for my address to send me a gift (no one online had ever sent me an actual gift before) and gave me her own address when I said I wanted to send her something too.

Then, she got into an honors program (instead of regular masters degree). It seems her university is extremely demanding and with an honors program she is, of course, very busy. It kind of upset me that she would put academics so much above interpersonal relationships (she said she did consider me her friend and would regularly say she loved me), since I'm one to value my relationships with others above anything else. But I can understand a difference of opinion, so I thought we'd just chat more rarely. BUT... she's done things that, no matter how shielded I was trying to be, still hurt me. We have common acquaintances - every time she'd log in she would leave them public messages, but not me. She kept seldom apologizing for not catching up with my poems, but while saying that to me she applied to and became a greeter, which requires an insane amount of commenting strangers (*at least* 35 poem per week, and she does it analytically and to a T). She's also involved with other such consumming activities on the site and logs in regularly, but never says "hi" to me (she also always logs in as invisible, so it's not my fault for not initiating contact myself).

Now, I know it's just an online thing that I myself was wary about to begin with - but in the end it comes down to another person not caring enough to keep in touch, even as little as time allows (but "little"? With all those time-consuming, no-benefits activities she does online? Psh!) I have to admit, although much worse things have happened to me before, whenever I see how much she's done online and that she didn't feel like taking a few seconds to say hi to me and all that, it kind of hurts. It hurts that this has been going on for almost half a year now. I don't admire her like I used to and I don't really want someone this ego-centered as a "close friend", but it just hurts when I think about it. I just wonder why almost every time I can let my guard down and let people in, in the end I don't mean much to those people at all.

Sorry if my rant seems self-pitying or whatever. Just saw her many comments to anyone but me on my favorite site (again) and thought I'd let it out on EP.