Confessions Of An Unwanted Childmy mother was very mentally and physically abusive towards me,she hated me...now I know what your saying, NO mother hates her child but she did.My mom had a rough life, she ran from a family that hated and abused her to a man who abducted her beat her and sexually mistreated her.When we (my mother and myself) got away she was scared and alone..we were better ,so ,so,so much better and then she became pregnant with my sister,my sister was born with aspergers autism,she screamed from the time her eyes came open to the min her eyes closed, every day of her infancy. I tried to help,I did much more than most children of 5 would be able to, but just like other 5 year old's I would forget sometimes that I was watching my sister,in the beginning when I would get in trouble it would be a swat or two on the butt. As life got worse for my mom the corrections got worse .my mother was miserable, she wanted her own life but because of us she she was alone,simple corrections turned into beatings paired with telling me how much she hated me and how I ruin everything,how there life would be so much better without me in it.When I was 6 I snuck into my mothers room in the middle of the night and curled up next to her,I accidentally peed her bed,I was woken up being drug out of her room by my foot when we got into the hallway I was crying because I was scared she started kicking me and stomping on me (screaming at me,her face made so ugly with rage, spit falling on my face),trying to cover my face and crying at the same time I bit part of the neck line of my night gown,she got mad because I "was acting like I was scared of her" and yanked me up by my nightgown ripping out and permanently damaging my bottom front teeth this particular incident sticks out in my mind, this is when I knew she really did hate me.this is when I knew that no one loved me,I was alone.It was around this point that I started trying to kill myself(the best a 6 year old knows how).My mother met a military man(lets be honest,lots of military men)there were always men at the house,I didn't mind, they all payed attention to me, they all liked me,some of those men liked me to much,when I was 6-7 I was sexually abused on a regular basis but I never said anything because secretly I hoped that they were going to take me away from my mother,that they really loved me and thought I was the perfect kid,I wanted so bad to be kidnapped to be taken away.
when I was 9 my mom caught me slitting my wrist,I think I may have let her catch me..but I don't remember.She sent me away to a christian camp, witch was a christian Auschwitz where you were left in a closet size room with bible and a portable camp toilet ,they convinced me that they wanted to help me so that I would open up. they called me a liar and beat me for engaging grown men in sexual activities,as if it was my fault as if I tempted and tricked poor week men.it continued like that for two months them trying to save my soul .After the christian camp I was sent to two mental hospitals within a 2 year span,I hated everyone especially myself.
At age 11 things had changed a little, my mom had married, the man was a high army engineer,he loved my mom and he loved my sister very much,they were happy but there perfect family didn't include me, my be they would all go out on family outings,go out to eat to the movies...ect but never took me because I'm sure they thought I would embarrass them somehow.
I ran away from home for the fist time that year, I started out walking down a rural highway late at night,a man with a nice car pulled over to the side of the road wanting to know why I was walking the streets at that time of night he offered for me to sit in his car,we drove to the gas station. I started telling him all about my family he acted very sympathetic,I wanted to go home with him I wanted a family that loved me so, so bad.I asked him if I could come and live with him he said "no" ...I cant even tell you what I was thinking but I reached over and started massaging him he was quiet for a min and then I got on his lap ,I wont go any farther with that,you don't want to know and I don't want to say it.Afterward he cried and called me a *****, and left me next to the truck stop with 40$...(this is my deepest darkest secret I hate myself for what I did) I got a cab home early in the morning and just got back into bed.After that I knew that I would never get away, that this was my life and I guess I kind of excepted it,I began cutting on a regular basis,it didn't matter... I was numb,after what I did I was no more than meat anyways.I began being promiscuous after that , I just sort of sat back and let my life fall apart,I was expelled from school when I was 15 and at 16 emancipated myself as an adult. For a year I was strung out so bad that I cant even tell you what went on,a man about 25 was at a party he was very philosophical and everything he said held emotion,he was brooding and passionate, he gave me a place to live, put food in my belly and became best friend I always wanted someone who loved me for me he asked nothing in return,he got me off the bad drugs and got me back on my feet.I was actually happy for the first time in my life.one night I went to a pool hall with some friends and that's when I fell in love,before I said a word to him I had fallen in love..after that night we never left each others side,we have been married now for 8 years on Halloween we have 3 beautiful children that will never feel unloved that will never fell unwanted,Conner(my friend)and my husband saved my life and for that I will always love the both of you,I will always be there for you I will never take either of you for granted
I still think about my childhood,sometimes I fall into deep depression I will never be completely OK,I will always be broken but now there are people who will help me pick up the peaces