Questions Of A Child

Its a new year, and Im approaching 30. Im feeling lost, confused and empty. I feel like a kid asking simple questions with supposedly simple answers. If somebody hurt you, why do you stay? If you dont love them, why dont you leave? Why do people lie? Why do people hurt me and walk away?

Life is pretty simple, we make it complicated by manipulating situations and people to get the greatest outcome. In this world I didnt have a chance. I've been touched before I was fully potty trained. That was the first time I was told I was a liar. I remember hands touching me i my sleep, but I thought that I had made it up. I tried to be a good girl, but it seemed like I was always wrong. Always bad. I did good in school, but sometimes I got 90's. When I get home, I would feel so stupid.

Then I figured, well if Im not good enough anyway, and Im gonna get a beating anyway, why not go out with a bang. I started speaking up for myself, and then I was a trouble maker. I felt like the black sheep.

When my brother started raping me, I was so used to it, I just laid there. I still loved him tho. I just wished we could have done more brother and sister stuff. When I was 13, I aborted his baby. That was the first time I tried to take my own life. I started losing my mind, but on the outside I kept it together.  I wanted to ask him why he keeps hurting me.  And my mom why didnt you leave my dad?  And my dad, why didnt you love me?

I feel like going through these things made me different and a target. I guess I stayed trapped waiting to be loved and accepted but it never happened.

I just got used and abused more in different ways by different people. When bad things I happen, I feel like its my fault for not being smarter and paying attention. Instead of ******* for love, I should have been ******* to pay bills. At least I would have gotten something out of it.

I just lost my best friend. I have to bury him even though he is still alive. He betrayed me and lied the entire time I knew him. He was just like the others. I finally decided to walk away. I was hurt, but I should have known better. Again I feel alone, numb and empty.

Now I cant think about anything more than closing my eyes for good. I started looking for urns and flowers. The best way to die. Who will find me if I did it. I dont know why I dont have the right to die. Why does every one tell me what I can do with my body. Why cant I for once tell everyone to leave me alone and they listen.

My heart beats in my chest because of my daughter. Today she told me that sadness is an illness. Its like she knows Im suffering. I feel like if I leave, she might end up like me. I have to save her because I wish that someone would have saved me as a kid
loudsilence1 loudsilence1
26-30, F
Jan 5, 2013