Well Life Has Turned Down The Nastiest Road I've Experienced Yet...

I've hated myself quite literally since the earliest days I can remember. I am naturally or chemically bipolar, however after my teenage years the effects of the imbalanced waned mildly as well as knowing my condition has helped. However at the pressure of parents I had made a very poor choice for college. My "party school" has taken me down a road of self realization. My foray into drug use and social networking had given me a happiness I had never had in my life before. now I have made some dumb mistakes, got a dui, and now have a good chance to never be able to work the only career I can see myself in, the lack of a license has made it impossible to obtain a job not only in my general career field but also literally any business within a 5 town radius, im moving back to a hellhole in nyc just to try to build up the money to pay my failed college debts. I’ve essentially become a permanent loser and I know without at least completing my college degree, I will never get the cash to get out of my debts. I wish I had someone to accept me as my psyche has become a shattered mess, aspiring to be at bare minimum a decent human being when I know for a fact that not a single person in existence meet societies standards, yet those animals who judge and demean others constantly demean everyone around them. I'm honestly sick and done with all of humanity, I can't see a shred of decency left in people, and if it weren't for personal obligations to family I surely would not put up with this bull ****. I want to die, every day I want to die, and every day I wish I could take every last human being on this planet with me. We have failed as a species, social solitary creatures that work together for the benefits to oneself, only to throw away the bonds they created at whatever convenience that they deem appropriate. I have morals left solely out of admiration of humans attempting to maintain the ideals their society has created. People don't get whats coming to them, there is no karma, and those who abuse the friendships, companionships, and bonds they have attained get farther than anyone who tries to do what they believe in their minds and hearts is right. I'm sick of it all, and i don't believe that we will ever be even close to the high standards that we have created for ourselves, (these "high standards" are no more than societies' golden rules, Ten Commandments in you are Christian sums those ideals up fairly well, tho most other religions have held the same basic principles of not killing, stealing, lying, causing ill will or coveting others material belongings and social status's). I've come to believe that the essential "Me first then everyone else" is not only taught to us by society but that it has been proven that this is written in our very genes, the most basic and essential blueprint of our structure and being. I can't in good conscience be so small minded and overlook this progression of self-centeredness for my own personal problems despite that being the beginning of this huge rant, and this "I before us" ideal will never leave us, not psychologically nor evolutionarily. I need to die because all i want is for every single human being to die. i'm not going out to hurt people, i'm not going on a murdering spree, i don't have the right to do so, and it would do no good, every possible natural and unnatural disaster would still not obliterate my species, there would always be a handfull that would survive even the most dire of situations. Other than our sun unexpectedly exploding, my species is not going extinct. The only thing i could do is sit and die. Maybe it's for the better, maybe it's better to remove those who see this reality in the world, because i cannot have hope for neither myself nor others. I don't want to be forced to tolerate this existence, however seeing as i still follow the moral quandries of the society and species i so despise, i'm not even allowed to kill myself. So i must go on in this toturous life, working for what has become the end all and be all solution to people's problems... money. liquid assets have had strange effects, and has bolstered and increased the selfcentered behaviour of society. It's true money isn't everything... but it's damn close enough for people to destroy each others' lives, toture others physically and psychologically, and kill each other. Most sickeningly, usually not even for survival, seldomly for security. We kill each other for money and power over each other more often than not for comfort. people don't deserve the lives they have, i don't deserve to be graced with the life i have been given, and we all should die, me more so than most......
societysd3adins1de societysd3adins1de
22-25, M
1 Response Jul 31, 2010

We share the same sentiments..and you are such an awesome writer.