I Which Someone Would Kill Me

sometimes i feel that i should not be here anymore. i cant get anything to work. from stories i hear about me when growing up to what am going through now i feel like i have been abandoned. i am that person who is burden. i feel like i am the one who is always seeking help from. it always drives me mad when i say or do something and people answer back by saying that is very dumb, stupid or it wasn't very clever. my grand mother cared for me when i was a little girl because my mother tried too have an abortion and could not, she also through me away on her way home one day and it was my grand mother who had to look for me and bring me back home. i was only one month old. when my grand mother died i moved to live with my aunt who also past way when i was eight and anther aunt when i was twelve. from then on i have moved from uncle to uncle where there wives taking away what should be for there children. my mother always stayed in contact. before i went to live with her i never took the neglect seriously. always thought because of her age it was the reason i was abandon. now i see it differently. when i move to UK to live with her i felt like i was mistreated. i felt unwanted in the house i was meant to call home. i was thought how mother could treat there own children like. there was a year she went abroad, when she came back she thought i was on drugs, and sleeping around with all different kinds of men. i swear on my own life that has never happened. i being told i was possessed by demons is what i annoyed me the most. i have decided to to attend any of the churches my ex-mother as i would like to call her goes too. i have decided if God really listens to people he should be able to do that wherever i may be. i have been beaten by my ex-mother and locked up in the house. i was refused any contacts from my friends and because most people did not understand what i was going through i no longer talk to my high school friends. i have one good left. last year i decided to back my things and move out with off my mothers house. i had no where to go so my friend decided to put me up for a few days. i could not find any work and i end up doing things i thought i would never do. i have found my self with no passport and no work at all. eight months a go i found love but i cant trust them, am always on the edge with them. i seem to find trying to please them even though i know they are in the wrong. so what i have decided is to live the UK and i haven't got a clue on where i should go before the border agency throws me out. i have no home to go. i have no money. my bank account is empty and my boyfriend can only do as little to help. i have told them i cant live like this anymore. he has decided to live the country with me but i don't know how Long that will last for. today we had an argument and he was not happy about the way i deal with things and i cant think o any other way off doing them. am not perfect and try to do the right thing by every one but it seems its all in vain. the argument is happening more and more now days and i don't understand it. he pays for everything including the flat i live in and if i don make work with him i will be on the street. i feel like crying most of the time or drink as much alcohol as i can. but doesn't always help. when i go to sleep i do feel i like i may never wake up. i have nightmares of bad thins happening to me. i dint know what to do any more.
debbieca debbieca
5 Responses May 31, 2011

I've had a lot of time to contemplate suicide and I havea reason to NOT kill yourself, we don't know why we are here or for what purpose, if we kill ourselves we could possibly have to come back here and do the whole thing over again without rememebring the last time, how bad would that suck?

That is true...everything is about recycling...but coming back and do the whole thing over? Not me ...been there, done that. Death is not dignified...you are just dead meat.

stay strong. Don't let the pain have victory over you. Keep your head held high. Someone loves you very much. Even if he doesn't someones looking for you. You two are meant to be together just wait for him to come. I'm praying for you.

guess it is harder then here<br />
<br />
but sorry for bf troubles

death would put an end to everything that am going through. i have no where to turn. the options i have infront of me looks bleak. i cant see any other way throuh this.

what do you think death will bring<br />
i am afraid noting more of the same till yout time is up i think<br />
<br />
you have no idea how many times i have had the same thoughts