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I'm Too Young For This.

My dad has never done a great job of making either me or my siblings feel loved and safe, and up until this year, he's never even tried. My mother has a lifetime of her own problems. Whenever I have an issue, my mother goes into a tangent about how horrible her life is. A few of my "memories" aren't even mine. They're visions that replay in my head from all the stories she would tell. I feel like I'm only half a person because of her. Nearly everything I do I do because she expects it of me.

Four years ago, I met the only person I ever fell in love with. Two years ago, we started dating. A few months ago, he fell out of love with me (I'm beginning to doubt he ever did) and moved onto his newest crush on the basis "she checked up to see if I was okay" when he was under the stress of breaking up with me. Now hold on... I must have put forth at least 70% of the effort into our relationship. I could tell when he had a problem, and I gave all the support I could to help him get through it. I did this even as he took his frustrations out on me. Even though he treated me like a chore. How could he forget that and take me for granted? I worked so hard to be perfect, and he just "fell out of love with me." Like he ever did. He had low self-esteem. He didn't love me, he just liked that a girl loved him.

Now that he's gone, and I can't trust either of my parents, I have to face everything alone. I only have two close friends, one who lives far away and the other's schedule conflicts with mine. I'm not going to college because art is the only thing I'm good at, and most art degrees have too much competition and don't really get you anywhere in life. I have a job that I'm not moving forward in, and I'm having a lot of problems with since my break-up. I'm beginning to fear getting fired, even though I'm doing my best to get my act together.

I'm 20 years old with no hope of moving out of my parent's house, no clue what I want to do in life, and growing increasingly mentally unstable. I can't get over an ******* ex-boyfriend, despite 3 months having gone by, and other people terrify me offline. I don't feel like I can get close to them. I can't look my therapist in the eye, and I'm afraid to tell her about my past suicide attempt. (Yes, the fact that I attempted suicide over a problem that probably pales in comparison to everyone else's is shameful, and that only makes things worse.)

If somebody murdered me right now, they'd be doing me a favor. It's not like I'm going to amount to anything at this rate anyways.

BlueRealta BlueRealta 18-21 1 Response Oct 28, 2011

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I understand your feeling completely: if I got hit by a truck today, think what suffering I'd be spared. people terrify ME too. there are others of us out here: with the anxiety, the depression, and the huge aloneness. we should support one another.