I Have But Not Lately

i wished that someone would kill me, or that i could find the courage to do it myself but i never could. why? well, for a long time it was for my niece. she took the death of her grandpa(my dad) very hard and has always cheered up around me. so i could n't bear the thought of putting her thru that. but what is the point of going on and trying to mask my feelings of pain and sorrow if to only spare someone else? I struggled with that for years, then i got more nieces and a nephew. now how the hell can i wish for death with them all around. sometimes that mask of happiness is hard to wear, its tiring some days but i still keep it on for them, for how long i can't say. therapy and the new meds have lessened the desire but i can feel the cloud of darkness on my soul. it does help to have a place where i can feel that others are going thru this and i'm not the only. so i write and i fight on.