Final Solution?

I have attempted suicide 5 times in the last 5 years, 3 of those attempts this past year. Today I decided not to do things as a cry for help anymore and dedicated some effort to things. I was tired of cutting, of thinking OTC overdoses would work and daydreaming about falling from heights. I found 3 fail-safe methods, but I've chosen one involving a trip to the supermarket. The method takes about 5 minutes, and is 100% effective.

I don't even fully understand why I am doing this. I seemingly have more means than an actual reason to carry this out, but I can see it happening; I've been playing a mental movie of it in my head for 4 hours. The only thing stopping me is talking to 1 person.
I grew up the heavy kid, but I overcame it. I overcame heartbreak and obesity and lost 130lbs on my own. I overcame those who said I wouldn't get a degree. I overcame those who said I'd amount to nothing. I'm still very young and have gotten very good at proving others wrong, but it came with a price. I've seen three shrinks in my lifetime already, and it was the psychologist who made the most sense rather than any meds. I've had just about the toughest year so far in 2011. Extra pressure to perform at work stemming from added responsibility and extra internal pressure to not only perform, but earn a college education. Added pressure to get back into the tremendous shape I was in 2 years ago.

I have gotten closer to my family during the past year, which is good. I have tried to seek help, but ultimately refuse to be admitted for a psych evaluation or see anymore shrinks. I've been through enough of that. It takes effort, but I've focused on the positive this year. So why am I here in this situation and why do I feel oddly comfortable knowing that I can end my life neatly and cleanly? Why do I want to do it? I'm proud to have done enough snooping to know exactly what to do to ensure I die. I am not angry or really sad about anything anymore, numb is more the feeling. Numb to the present and certainly the future.
donedeal12 donedeal12
1 Response May 7, 2012

Obviously you are a valuable smart intelligent person. You are well spoken and very clear. I don't doubt the validity of your words or the methods you have found. I do doubt, however, that there is truly only one person stopping you from taking action. You touch more people then you know. If you would have killed your self last night I would not have found your post, and why you ask might that have mattered? Because I am looking for people who have similar issues as I do. I can very clearly see that suicide is not the right choice for you. Writing may be the right choice for you, share your pain in a way others can relate to and learn from. Maybe make a bucket list, stuff you have to complete before you die. Example, shots in a bar in Mexico, or hitchhiking, or something crazy and random and silly~ but realistic to reach. I would recommend 10 things that are challenging will take some time, but are realistic. Selecting ruling the world would not work! As you are marking off the things on your list write about them and how you feel. At least at the end you will have made your mark for the rest of us. Besides, it's would be a real shame to lose someone with skill when there are so many others out there that... Franky wouldn't be missed. (that was a joke, in poor taste, sorry!) How it made you smile.