Final Solution?I have attempted suicide 5 times in the last 5 years, 3 of those attempts this past year. Today I decided not to do things as a cry for help anymore and dedicated some effort to things. I was tired of cutting, of thinking OTC overdoses would work and daydreaming about falling from heights. I found 3 fail-safe methods, but I've chosen one involving a trip to the supermarket. The method takes about 5 minutes, and is 100% effective.
I don't even fully understand why I am doing this. I seemingly have more means than an actual reason to carry this out, but I can see it happening; I've been playing a mental movie of it in my head for 4 hours. The only thing stopping me is talking to 1 person.
I grew up the heavy kid, but I overcame it. I overcame heartbreak and obesity and lost 130lbs on my own. I overcame those who said I wouldn't get a degree. I overcame those who said I'd amount to nothing. I'm still very young and have gotten very good at proving others wrong, but it came with a price. I've seen three shrinks in my lifetime already, and it was the psychologist who made the most sense rather than any meds. I've had just about the toughest year so far in 2011. Extra pressure to perform at work stemming from added responsibility and extra internal pressure to not only perform, but earn a college education. Added pressure to get back into the tremendous shape I was in 2 years ago.
I have gotten closer to my family during the past year, which is good. I have tried to seek help, but ultimately refuse to be admitted for a psych evaluation or see anymore shrinks. I've been through enough of that. It takes effort, but I've focused on the positive this year. So why am I here in this situation and why do I feel oddly comfortable knowing that I can end my life neatly and cleanly? Why do I want to do it? I'm proud to have done enough snooping to know exactly what to do to ensure I die. I am not angry or really sad about anything anymore, numb is more the feeling. Numb to the present and certainly the future.