It Would Make It Easy

If by some chance I was killed by a car or something like a gun that I am not holding, than I wouldnt feel so guilty. But I feel so sick all the time. I want to be one with the dead because I hate what I am. Yep, I said it. And I will say it again, I FREAKING HATE THAT I AM A TRANSGENDER KID!!! I want to burn that layer of skin off me. Destroy that main part of me because no one likes him. My family will never accept him and since I am so adorable as a female men find me attractive. I just went on a date with a guy that did not know my MENTAL PROBLEM and he liked me. He kissed me. And i feel dirty and like a freaking liar because I don't plan to tell him anything. He doesn't need to know about me and I wish I didnt know about me. If I could wake up and feel like a girl like I was born than i bet my skin wouldnt be screaming at me to slice it open. That's why i need the car to kill me. If it would just happen than never will i have to explain to a guy what i am or to my family or kids or anyone. I would be away from all this.

No. I do not want to die, but I know I should be killed because of what i am. and if you dont agree with me, tell me, but you better have a good reason why you think otherwise. I am disgusting. I shouldn't be allowed to breathe or move or speak. I was born pretty and with a "girl part" and I should embrace it, but I cannot. I cannot just give into myself and destroy my minds natural feelings of being a boy.

I am a boy. I am a boy. I am a boy. I am a boy.

It is so sick. So wrong. So disgusting. So immoral. So stupid.

The car hitting me and landing me dead or in the hospital would be my savior but as I said, i do not want to die. I just want to be free of HIM. HE is the reason for me being this way. I dont want to be HIM because HE is all wrong.

Razors are the only thing that can help me.
SunkinLies SunkinLies
18-21, T
2 Responses May 11, 2012

Imagine life with an endless loop of crap coming out your butt and into your mouth that can go either way. Now you can only feel it but everyone else can actually see it. No cure no treatment. Imagine the horror when you can briefly hear yourself droning on endlessly. Than look at your situation.

It is hard dear, It is really hard. But, the reality is that we have to move on. If you know that there is no 100% female or 100% male. It is just a mixer oscillating between this and that side. Yes you are feeling man predominantly and it is much better for a female transgender than male transgender. Because you can almost make a male in all respect. Leave the family, college and friends. They will not accept, that is understandable. But, you can have the people who understands you. You are not a weak person, but you need support. That is all. I am sure you will do wonders. <br />
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried<br />
piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.<br />
Finally he decided the animal was old and the well needed to be<br />
covered up anyway, it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. So<br />
he invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all<br />
grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.<br />
<br />
At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly.<br />
Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down. A few shovel loads<br />
later, the farmer finally looked down the well and was astonished at<br />
what he saw.<br />
<br />
With every shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing<br />
something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the<br />
farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he<br />
would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was<br />
amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted<br />
off.<br />
<br />
Moral: Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The<br />
trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step<br />
up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the<br />
deepest wells just by not giving up! Shake it off and take a step up!