My Messed Up Life - I Just Cant Go On Anymore

All I ever did in life is love and all I wanted is love back.
All started as a young child.
Molested as a child by my father. Started before I was even in school. I was young innocent and still had to enjoy my life and become a person but somehow I have never been able to become a person. How do you go into a world and face people. He died at last and should have been the best day of my life. But memories has and always will be with me.
Haunts me and never goes away.
I was lucky I had the best mother in the world. When she found out, she left him and has always been there, but ten years ago we were in a tragic accident and I lost my only friend.
I got pregnant before I was 21. Wanted to go for an abortion but it was not legal. Never wanted a child as I never wanted any child to grow up in this messed up world. I gave birth to the most beautiful son. He was the light in my life and I lived for him. Today at the age of 22 he hates me, blames me for everything that goes wrong in his life. He doesn't want to work, take drugs and sometimes I just wished that he would just kill me. That way I would be out of his life.
I have been through tough times, loosing everything, but fought to stand up and go on.
No idea where I got the strength from through those times but I don't have that strength anymore.
I'm the kind of person that is always there for everyone. Friend through thick and thin.
I am kind, soft hearted but yet everyone just trample on me and use me and then just throw me away.
For 42 years I have been used, mentally abused and just discarded like rubbish.
Seven years I met my soul mate. Never thought that would happen. Me who has never had any luck in my life.
We were friends with benefits (well after looking back at everything, I was the friend and he was the one who was using me.)
He has called me today a stalker, that I blackmailed him and other things. I have never stalked or blackmailed as that's not in me. Blames me that his life is now in ruins as his ex wife is taking everything away from him when she found mails that we have sent to each other.
Threatening me with law suit if I ever contact him again.
He is still through all this my one and only true love.
I feel as if I am only a nuisance and should not have lived this long in life. I am a mess and my life has been a mess.
I have recently lost my job unfairly, running out of money soon and on the streets soon.
My life is at it's lowest at the moment.
I am up to my eyeballs in don't know how to get out of it.
I am at my lowest I have ever been in my life.
No friends, no family to talk to. All alone as I have always been in my life.
I am tired of being alone. I just don't want to go through this life anymore.
I have been dealt too many blows and cant go on anymore.
I am a coward and cant take my own life.
Don't want my son to find me if I do. I don't want to scar him more in his life.
Please is there someone out there who can kill me.................. PLEASE
bothaen bothaen
41-45
2 Responses Dec 4, 2012

Maybe if you met someone that restored your excitement in life. I love to make women experience new experiences that they crave to do again and again. Don

w-what!? you want to just die like that!? you're really finished,huh?! don't listen to what people say or do,ignore them and do something you enjoy,feel u don't have a hobb?FIND ONE! you can't just let people push you overboard,we have brains for a reason!use it,and stop feeling sorry for yourself! when you feel better,respond.

Bladewolf,
Have you ever been through bad times.
Last thing I am doing, is feeling sorry for myself.
Me, Myself & I can not go on anymore.
Mentally & physically I am tired.

but are you listening?find a hobby! online search too,there's got to be something...