Life Storie

I am 16 n I know I'm to young to b thinking of killing myself but I have been standing on the edge every now and again slipping ever since I can remember. One of my earlyes memories is of me telling my mum about how I thought I was depressed n dident won't to go on liveing when I was only 4.of cos mum couldent handle that n we have never been able to b around eachother for long b4 we will fight. Also iv never been able to sleep, I am teraffide, when I was young every night in my dreams I'd die over n over again n it felt so real, eventually since my dreams where created from my life I stoped being able to tell if I was asleep or awak, leaveing me in constant fear. Being a child of 3-13 I had a wild amagination n everytime I diead in my dream when I awoke I would see things, like demonds, there was one that I usto see sitting up in the top corner of my room above the door although it was dark, probably y I must have imagined it but sometimes he would crawl across the roof n hang right ontop of me n I usto think I could feel him breathing so I'd close my eyes n pretend he wasent there. There where many otheres I usto c but they seemed pre occupied doing there own stuff so they dident bothere me however latter on when I was about 7 at night a white rabbit would start comeing to me in my dreams ( like most dreams a loved one is in danger n I do my best to protect them n I end up dead) he would burrow comfortably into my arms n start tearing at my chest but unlike the othere dreams when I awoke he was eating for Mr n would do just that ( my imagination must have been huge) where ever I went the demon would follow me but the rabbit stoped 2-3 yrs ago. My depression as a child every1 blamed on a medical problem although the maficen is ment to make me better I stay depressed. I can never think my brain goes in constant circles of thought makeing me the bad porsone no matter what I do n it makes up rediculas stories I believe but if cos r silly its like I'm constantly parranoyed, the silly little stories where constant n they would b somethitng like my best friends don't really like me they r all Bitching behind my back n only b nice to me to scab food or something that of cos wasent happening but in my head I maid it without meaning to. When I got to high school things began to get better, all the same problems where there but I was learning to ignore my silly thoughts n to just do what I was thinking of to break the spinning in my head. I got a horse n he was my best friend, because of him I started faceing my fears since I was the only one with guys to ride him. Ppl hated me coz of him but that's when I learnt the difference between friends n notches. my pearents got devorced which the day I heard I was nearly jumping for joy ( as my.mothers sends me crazy, I'm terrafide of little children n she acts like a alco 5 yr old) mum told me dad rodent won't me n I had to live with her so I had to live in the murder house ( a man a couple weeks earlyer had killed family and friends before takeung his own life) coz of how much me n mum couldent stand eachothere after school is race home b4 mum to get the dogs n leave b4 she got home not returning till she was asleep, is just walk around the town. I later found dad did won't me n he had thought about suicide many times coz mum had told him I dident won't to live with him. I moved in with my dad in another town not far away. I became friends with the nextdoor naighbur n although I was happy for that year I was a alcoholic as soon as I'd wake up I'd drink. I fell in love n every time they would cheer on me, I had fallen hard for my 3rd ex n cryed myself to sleep every night for over a yr silly I know. When I moved in with dad I had to start at a new school n a was getting a abundance of friends but there was 1 guy who asked me every period for a yr n a half to go out with him. He was a jerk to every1 els n so not my type but eventually I sed yes to stop him for asking n it was only fair a fave him a chance, well anyway bad idear he would constantly finger me although I dident won't him down there, is tell him no n try to stop him n get away from him but he kept insistin. I was never strong enough to fight him off. Safe to say that relationship did not last I dumped him within a month. I thought things would get better but that's when everything got worse. By now it was the end of 2011 but my ex turned all my friends against me getting my friends n guys to fight me. He made up so many rumers n lyes. Soon I was sitting alo.e inside and outside of class, everyone in the school had begun picking on me n beloeveing these horrible rumers mostly about how kinky I was in bed although I never did any of it he forced himself on me. The next yr was looking up, there was a new girl in my ag class the only others girl so I jumped on the oppertunity to make a friend untill she went behind my back n slept with my cruch/ex/bff who is my bf again. We had had a fight so she slept with him, he only did it coz she had been nagging both of us that she wonted to lose here verginity although she was a **** n had already given mealy every guy at school a blow job. The ex/bff/crush told me as we where close friends once again. The New girl somehow made things worse spreading more timers, n LOTS of guys beat me up, she was saying she was the victims coz they went out n I broke them up which was a tottal lye. Life kept getting harder n harder, I dident won't to leave my room. My father who has been depressed my hole life then kicked me out n sed I was the resin he wonted to die. he sed sorry n took it back n once again I moved back in. My cuz was liveing with us to n had decided I was a house maid. I never ait or left my room but I had to do all the washing up n believe me it was every plate, pan, knife, etc in the house, I had to put all his stuff away, do the washing, cacume, etc u get the point. One morning I was spewing but had yr 10 exams. I had a really old hair straightener I quickly used to do my hair that was broken, it would get really hot n I had to put it in a plastic draw with my deoderents. I was really late so I packed it up n left it ontop of the bath to cool down n put away when I got home. My coz kicked ne out coz apparently he dident won't to clean up my stuff n I was doing nothing around the house. ( I was ment to get that house this yr n now I'm homeless) I had also sold my horse n brought a car coz there wasebt a car for me to drive on my l's so I had to buy one, he stole it one night n smashed it. Now I'm in this hole that iv dug still dealing with the same problams as I have since I can remember, they just keep stacking up. Luckaly my bf has been amazing n by my side the hole way threw ( stoped many of my attempts of suicide n deffinatly the resin I'm still alive) but I feel as if I make his life hortible. He is trying to help, he has maid ne see councalers n they made everything worse. These days ill be really happy n then bam in cutting myself n looking for a rope. My head is stuck in these bad habbits n just doing circles n I still can never think in a line it just goes around n around with no good outcome makeing me the bad porson in every situation. I just don't know what to do or what els to try :/ I don't have any friends in this town littaraly.
thank you for takeing the time to read this
I know I'm really stuffed up n I try so hard to fix it but sometimes u think I'm just insane n belong in a loonybin
An Ep User An EP User
Jan 11, 2013