To The Land Of The Living

I 'm broken. Nobody can tell though. In the outside world I smile...I guess more for their sake than mine. Seeing me smile makes them happy. It's always been this way, and it's almost always just been a facade. I have nothing to be upset about, they say, I have what so many could only wish for...nothing can go wrong in porcelain land. Nobody ever inquires further.

I don't walk around with my lifes script on my sleeve. If I did, maybe they'd see. If I had physical scars, maybe they'd understand. Physical scars would disqualify me from porcelain though. Can't have that. That's not what they want.

What about I want? I want it to be over. I don't want to live in this fake world anymore. Fake is what the world is. That can't be changed. Pain is real. That's all that's real. It's intangable though. So to others, it's not real. But it is because I feel it. Everyday it's there.

The past has finally caught up with me. The many lifetimes I've had in 30 years have taken their toll, and now it's all truly sinking in. Up to my ears in quick sand. Drowning in my tears. Not reaching for a life boat this time.

Porcelain doesn't need a heartbeat to live though, so maybe there's still some time yet.
orchid00 orchid00
26-30, F
10 Responses Jan 14, 2013

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Don't let paranormal lead you to self-destruction. You're much more important than God.

“Face the brutes.” That is a lesson for all life—face the terrible, face it boldly. Like the monkeys, the hardships of life fall back when we cease to flee before them.

Thinking all the time that we are diseased, will not cure us; medicine is necessary. Being reminded of weakness does not help much. Give strength; and strength does not come by thinking of weakness all the time. The remedy for weakness is not brooding over weakness, but thinking of strength.

~ Swami Vivekananda

What is the fake world you live in ?
It is EP, you can talk confess your sould here.

The porcelain world you mentioned. Is that because it is so fragile you feel like breaking or is it because you have a fake smile and live in a world of botoxed women ?

Just being so lonely.

I'm 60 and no where to go but out. My kids just tell me things aren't as bad as I think. But it is what I feel. Why bother anymore?

the past feels like drowning slowly. catching up and choking you one breath at a time. until you just want it to end. you would give anything to end it all however im to much of a coward to pull the trigger

Happiness is an inside job, Orchid. To be happy, I had to work on myself, and when I did, I finally did attain some happiness, and more importantly, some peace of mind. I am real Orchid, and my plans are to kill you ...with happiness. Seeing you smile, would make me very happy, indeed :)

I sometimes feel like that too. But then I feel why do I look to others to take note of my pain? Why I want them to know about it? Am I not hiding it well just to save myself from the pity in their looks?

And I purposefully try not to take on too much on myself or have too high expectations of myself, based on what other perceive me to be.

It is important to just be yourself. It has helped me to interact with those who are in real-world pain as they call it. It helps me to keep busy and takes my mind off things I do not want to remember anymore.

I try to forgive myself and others of what harm I have done to them and they have done to me and then forget it.

Those motions inside your mind .... I wish the world around you could see inside you. Just for a while. That might be enough.