Dying Wish

the way i am now is really painful to me. i'm 23 years old and i've been thru way too much .someone normal would be goin out tonight or something. while i'm bound to my parent's home by medication. i suffer from 2 disorders: epilepsy and autism. but the last few years have become unbearable.

it was already a hell before. the answers i got on other forums were like: go in therapy, go to your doctor to get new meds, and so on. while i know that ain't gonna work. i'm slowly going insane, so i made my dying wish to die in combat, so i at least have some honour when i die.

if you wish to know more, just ask me

Ishtaya Ishtaya
26-30, F
35 Responses Sep 16, 2009

>taking religon literally and not as a cultural aspect
>claiming to believing in science and logic yet science has never proven a divine creator false
Enough Said

festive1973, for starters, i'm an atheist, and there's no way i'll ever start to worship a fictional deity. i hate religion in general, i prefer science and logic above fairy tales. and i've read the bible before, and the stories in it are just as real as fairy tales about wizards and unicorns. AND i'm not depressed anymore.

Well it's good to hear your not depressed anymore.
But please try to take in consideration of joining Christianity...Not forcing you.

i WAS christian, years ago, but i turned my back on it for several reasons, mainly because i thought it wasn't logical at all how people could worship something they've never seen, and i hated going to the mass

I hate going to mass too but I can't judge you.

and i lost faith completely when i learned about the atrocities the church committed at school, during history class. torturing and killing thousands of innocents, that's something i have a problem with. and even today, it hasn't improved at all, sexually abusing children, and a legendary greed. the pope nearly bathes in gold while there are thousands die of hunger and disease every single day, so how can i possibly follow a religion which supports all that?
i'm an atheist, and that's not going to change.

1 More Response

I am Deacon Bakare of the redeemed Christian Church of God. Well my dear, do you know Him - the author of life and doctor of all diseases. If you can lay your hands on an old book written by Benny Hinn titled " this is your day of miracle" cases more serious than yours were healed and stories abound about those who were genuinely healed by the power in the name of Jesus. Look up unto Him the author and finisher of our faith and it shall be well with you. I KNOW HE CAN HEAL YOU ONLY IF YOU ARE PREPARED. Concerning your depression, get yourself a holy bible - The Book of life and read, study and meditate on it daily within some days you would get over the depression because His words are everlasting and ever true. Stay blessed

Ishtaya, Thank you, when I hear stories like yours I feel fortunate. My problems pale in comparison. I'm sorry things are so bad for you, I wish I could say things will get better but I can't. Your story brought tears to my eyes. Just writing this and thinking of you is making me cry. All I can say is hang in there. You never know what tomorrow will bring. New drugs are curing diseases all the time. Why not try occupying your time by following autism and eplileptic research. I know it's not much but you may find things that help. <br />

a cure for epilepsy: maybe
but a cure for autism, you can't cure something when you don't know the cause
but i did research to autism and epilepsy years ago, but in the end, it didn't help me much, but this year i finally found some fortune, i have friends, i have a boyfriend, got a place of my own

Glad to hear things are going better.

I have siezures almost daily... I know its hard to take the chance of going out but I suggest just do it! It is very scary but as I sat at home afraid I felt myself wanting to kill myself, I had never had thoughts of suicide before. I had to get out and yes I have hurt myself having siezures in public once in a grocery store I knocked a whole shelf on myself it hurt so bad and was so embarrassing but the folks at the store were very understanding. I wish for the best for u. You r to young to be stuck.

I have siezures almost daily... I know its hard to take the chance of going out but I suggest just do it! It is very scary but as I sat at home afraid I felt myself wanting to kill myself, I had never had thoughts of suicide before. I had to get out and yes I have hurt myself having siezures in public once in a grocery store I knocked a whole shelf on myself it hurt so bad and was so embarrassing but the folks at the store were very understanding. I wish for the best for u. You r to young to be stuck.

Dear Ishtaya:<br />
It’s all madness and insanity but that is why we are here. You have a lot of bleeding hearts that will answer you and you do respond so keep writing. EP is the place to vent and read others ranting and rage. As an EMT I feel for you but if you read my profile you will see that I don’t care for myself if it weren’t for some reason or another we all continue to exist even though we don’t want to. I personally say F#@K all the “talk to your doctor, therapist, counseling group” S%*T! Just keep using EP as your vent and if someone holds your thought against you go delete their comment because who the hell needs more guilt than we already give ourselves.<br />
Peace be with you

I am so glad i ran in to your problem/experience. You and I are kindred spirits. Listen' I am 34 years old and my mother took full legal guardianship of me last summer I am not allowed to drive right now because I am on like 4 bi-polar meds. and 2 seizure meds and I have to take drivers ed like I am 16 or whatever. But that was what my doctor said I had to do to be able to drive again- I have a damn drivers liscense. Honestly though If I could join the armed forces i would but I am just to old.I also think way different than most people. It's like my parents my mom and step dad are so old school that they are not even on the same level with me and even if they were I would still hate them for this prison- like situation. I just wish to hell when I'd tried to kill myself and they locked me up in the mental ward that I'd succeeded.

well i'm 25 now, and now the gap between me and my parents became bigger, since i became a gothic, but that doesn't mean i don't want to kill myself anymore tho...

I wish I could be there for you and make you realize that a life lost YOUR life has so much meaning.

sorry cannot help you there here we have people like me that do take oothers for respite care so they can get away but are safe<br />
have a friend with basic they same as you have but my guess is your autism is at a better level then his is you look like you can take some care of your self better then he can<br />
and for sizure we have dog that can smell them or something before they happen and get you to sit down so you are safe

@busharaf: my condition is uncureable<br />
@rickibrat2: i live in belgium

what country do you live in<br />
<br />
siezure disorder depending on the level is no big deal know many with it and they do great autism i work with many adults thathave it and live on there own same wit sizure issues have one girl that lives <br />
so i gues i am missing something but i also see yousay mother is over protective<br />
<br />
think parents need to talkw ith others <br />
but need to know where you live

well, i read what u wrote and all the comments. and u know what? ur right, u dont need a new doctor what u need are friends! my dear, u sound very depressed and i can imagine how you must be feeling. I have suffered a similar fate, in my past years or rather my entire childhood, i was stricken with malaria and spent most of my life bedridden in a hospital. yes it got very lonely but because of my great parents i kept thinking positive. today, I am a healthy person. what i want to say is, please don't lose hope, think positive, ask your doctor if ur condition of epilepsy is curable (I think it must be as u don't seem to be an extreme sufferer) try making friends, it doesnt matter if ur spending time with them at ur place or chatting on the net, but m sure they will make you feel better. step two, u must anyhow convince your parents that their overprotective behavior is making you feel miserable and as a result you r loosing interest in your life. m sure when they understand you, they will surely help. try staying occupied, study or start a hobby an empty mind is vry tormenting. all the best dear and i do believe that if u can get out of your depression u will have a beautiful life ahead.

if i could, i would've joined the army a long time ago, <br />
and i would be send off to afghanistan or somethin by now<br />
dying in battle at least has some honor<br />
plus i've always been a warrior at heart

I know about having to be depentent on others, I suffer from biplor, had a stroke and recently amensia. <br />
My kids who are older have to help me everywhere I go to make sure I don't have blackout or fall and do more damage. I don't get out much as my husband works all the time and I can't drive. I wan'ted to give up trust me I REALLY DID. Not remembering who people are or your past it sucks big time. I just found out my mother past away 15 yrs ago and I don't even remember her, how sad is that. If my kids were going through what you are I would do anything and everything I could to keep them safe. Im sorry if this hurts you it wasn't ment to.

loving parents? tsk, that's a good one.<br />
my dad doesn't care about me, he nags all the time<br />
and my mom is TOO concerned, so concerned that she let me take surgery for my epilepsy (that didn't even work)<br />
and no, it wasn't brain surgery

You're much better off than so many others. You've got loving parents. You've got good communication skills in writing. Wish you success.


i don't take pills for my autism, since that's not necessary<br />
and for my epilepsy, i got one of the best neurologists in europe<br />
and i'm seeing a psychologist, who's specialized in people like me<br />
but still, i hate this life, i guess that's just who i am.

First off, you have autism. Can you tell me a little about that.? I have studied autism. I am a sociologist and I am going back to college for childhood education. Do you have any idea where you are at on the spectrum of autism. Aspergers perhaps? Plus you have epilipsey which is a problem in itself with taking medication for depression because I know some of them can throw you into epilepsy. know you are feeling down because you probably feel you do not have any control over your life because of your condition. However, you do need to see a doctor and if one doctor does not help, find another. I was depressed for years and years and years, and on tons of different medication to find something that works. 3 years ago I found the right combination. It was really a miracle because I never thought I would ever feel this way again. What is being done to help with your autism? There are many famous people who have autism so that is not the end of the world for that. The first thing that needs to be done is to find a doctor and be persistent finding something to relieve the pain of depression. Next find a psychologist to talk to. If one doesn't help you, find another one. There is never a quick fix to anything and persistence to find that right one is well worth it. I went through a few of psychologist who actually gave me information to help myself on daily issues that I encounter. There are alot of crazy psychologist..LOL..worse off than me. But I have an angel of a psychologist now. You will find what you need with constant persistent and once you find it, you will be elated about it. Make that your goal. Be safe and let me know what is going on with you.

dying doesn't matter to me, i'm just so sick of it all, i just need a whole new start<br />
and with my life as it is now, i cannot do that

how is the worst case lethal if you're saying kill me now? do you really want to die or r u just upset at the situation?

yaa, i had the same dream, so when i turn 18 im joining the army and watevr happens will happen. ill take risks and see how it goes... but its really weird bcus besides for the epilepsy nd autism u sound exactly like me!

happiness is not some thing alien , it's there in the smallest of small things, go and give you mom a reall tight hug, see if that makes you happy, smile and kiss you dad's forehead, see if that brings a smile on his face and eventually yours, happiness is in the small lil things that we do, the gestures, the kindness , the sharing, friends, you can find happiness even in the small but wonderfull mercies of nature, when was the last time you ever visted your old neighbours and spent some time talking to them, when did you last play with small childern, when was the last time you gifted something to some one you care, happiness sure come first with giving and then recieving, go ahead and find your happiness,the basic is simple try being in the moment,enjoy that time, look into the mirror and smile, smile as often as possible, sweetheart life is calling you go ,just go and embrace it.

lol i don't even know what the word 'happiness' means<br />
i never knew what it was


support group isn't my thing, i tried talkin to others like me before, but didn't work either. i think way different than most people, and i can't change that

Have you ever tried talking to others with the same condition to see how they deal? How about joining a support group?

no i'm not able to live independently<br />
i want to get out of my parents house, but i just can't.<br />
the feeling that i have to depend on others all the time drives me crazy. but i'm on the waiting list now for a living center

Do you have a guardian? Are you able to live independently and on your own? If so (and I hope I am not stepping on any toes here) maybe you should consider moving out of your parents home...even if it is just to an independent living center. It is something to consider.

i tried to tell them so many times, but they just don't listen to me, they treat me like a child.<br />
i can only go out with my boyfriend, but he's no fun at all.

I am out of my element here, but it seems to me that you just have to jump in with both feet and take a risk. If your seizures are only a few times a year then it seems overboard to stay home all the time. Unless your parents are your legal guardians, I think you should sit down and talk to them. Tell them how you feel and tell them that you need to live your life. Reassure them that you will take care of yourself and be safe while you are out, but tell them you can't sit on life's sidelines. Good luck.

i only have those a few times in a year, but my parents fear it can happen any day. when i finally go out, my bf is with me but it seems he doesn't care about it.<br />
and mostly those seizures involve fainting, the whole body starts shocking, i guess you've seen those before<br />
and hiring a chaperone...i'm fed up with anything that wears a white uniform

How bad is the seizure? How often do you have them?<br />
<br />
What about hiring an "escort"...someone to go as sort of a chaperone for you when you go out, maybe a nurse or someone with training to know what to do if you have a seizure.<br />
<br />
While you may have to think outside the box and get creative, there is almost always a way to make the things we want happen. The only way it won't happen is if you give up.<br />
<br />
Best wishes to you...

i did explain, multiple times<br />
even went to a psychologist<br />
now i just gave up<br />
there is a chance that i will get an epilepsy seizure<br />
which in the worst case, is lethal

Have you explained your concerns to your doctor? What happens when you go out?