Pain Too Much To Bear

Where do I start...I hate my life at the moment.  You wouldn't know it from the outside, but I am falling apart and have been for quite sometime.  I am on the verge of losing my house, business, and cars.  To make matters wose hubby is a cocaine addict who blames everything on me.  He didn't like the way my 16 year old daughter answered him last night and all hell broke loose.  Dinner was all over the kitchen, kids crying, me crying...and apparently it was all my fault.  I am living a terrible lie, everyone thinks my life is so great.  The funny part is when he's not crazy like that all is good and somehow I miraculously forget everything that happened.  Today I wanted to kill myself, something I have thought about for a long time, something I just can't seem to follow through with.  I have had a horrible life from the start.  A selfish mother, a deserted father, a molesting step-father, and a drug addict husband.  Where does one go with a life like that?  I can't take it much more, I cut myself and I am 41 years old, but I want to die so I can make everyone see what they did to me.

Addictswife Addictswife
41-45, F
36 Responses Mar 15, 2010

I am so sorry you are going through this. I really hope you manage to stay alive, much love to you, you are not alone as meaningless and cheesy as it may sound

I know alot of people say this (and most are full of ****), but I can honestly say; that (unfortunately) I know EXACTLY how you feel. I am also 41 yo, struggling everyday with depression,stress, lonliness, and anxiety. I grew up in a very dysfunctional household. My dad was an abusive alcoholic *******. My mom was a very permisquis *****. My dads heroine addicted brother use to molest me. Then as a young adult, I got with guys who were just like my dad. (Sighs)...I am now currently in a relationship with a man who is 8 years younger than myself, who is a drug addict. Not only that, he is also very verbally abusive. He and I have been together 6 years, married 4. I am MISERABLE. Always alone. He doesn't pay any attention to me. And when he does, its when he is either verbally abusing me or wants some p***y! I've thought about suicide many of times, but I have a 12 yo son. I am all he has, so I cannot do that to him. Im so sad and lonely. I just want a normal life. A normal relationship. A father for my son. A happy life. Is that too much to ask for?
Anyhow, thats my life....
I am so sorry sweetie that you are going and have gone through so much terrible things in your life. I hope things turn around for you. Please don't do anything rash.... you are worth so much more than you think you are!
Much love.......

I decided to move back in with my abusive husband. Like others on this site, i pray for the day he finally kills me.

It is not crime to be single mother. Pls get away from him before he kills u or the kids. He is not fit to handle responsibility and i don't think you should suffer for that . Dunno if u pray bit do so and let JESUS guide you

I know how you feel.
And I leaved long time ago.
But it was not easy a lot of years that I have done that.
I know I have felt sucident and I wanted to.
But I had given child way and all ways thought of him.
And I am still a live.
Pray and that is what I am doing .
And things work out in the wash like my dad said.
And they all ways do.
Some time you just have to leave.
I don't really know what to tell you.
It is been long time since I been there.
But I am here .
And easy for some one to tell you what to do.
But they are not going throw what you are.
Don't kill your self I miss you .

Don't kill yourself. The best revenge is getting away from him and living your life under you own rules. I should take your advice. But I know what's right, it' s just hard for me to do it too! I should get out of my situation! Third marriage, first was just a friend, I got pregnant, oops, and divorce after one year. Second was a cheater, abuser. Now husband good except **** addiction and moody, controlling. i feel like nobody because of his **** and controlling-ness. People say I should just accept. think I should leave but it's so hard to do. but suicide is not the way. You love your kids right? get out with your kids. show them you don't take ****.

I read somewhere that said,"If God leads you to it,then he'll see you through it" I believe this to be true. You may not see it now-things look so blurry and dark but, just wait a while-keep trying-don't give up and it will all soon be clear. It may seem that you feel alone but honestly you aren't. Maybe I am not making sense but just hang in there and you'll see soon enough.

You sure are making everybit of sense

do it for the craic

Are you thinking about suicide?
Thinking about how, if you killed yourself, nobody would care?

Think again.

If you kill yourself you will change somebodies world. That's right. They will see everything differently. Just hearing your name will burn their mind with memores. They wont be able to go near where you lived, even your town will hold memories. Listening to the radio they'll hear that song, remember,that song you sang with them once? They'll step past your locker every day and wonder why you are not there. Why are you not there??

Do you want to be responsible for your family members, the people who love you, crying every night? For your sisters or brothers losing part of who they are? Your suicide is going to effect most deeply those who care about you most. That's not right. One of your friends may break down, and just like you, their world will be dark. The pain you are in is awful, but why pass it on to hundreds of people around you, when you could try your hardest to work through it?

Your family will be paranoid. Suddenly everyone will be talking about them. Do you want to be known as 'the kid who killed themselves?' People you never knew will be crying when they hear what you've done. Yes, they will be effected. Everyone around you will stop and think ;; "was there something i could have done?" Suddenly the people of your world are dying with guilt. All those little hints you gave, they'll remember them. Oh yes, and it will torture them all the time.

Your friends will think of suicide. Your closest friends are likely to go into a depression like the one that claimed your life. How will they cope, without you? This will break them, for the rest of their lives. And lets not forget the people who will plan your funeral. Your closest friends and family picking out songs for you, photos of you. Crying all the night before, and all the day of your funeral. And all the night after. In fact, they will cry now more than you ever did. Could they have saved you?

They'll be angry. Oh yes. Why didn't you tell them? They loved you. And now it's too late. They'll be angry with you because they know, they know you could have gotten through it. Then they'll be angry with themselves because they may have been able to save you if only they knew.

And one day, one day years from now, they'll remember you. They will all still remember you. The girl that sat up the front of your class; she'll remember you. The bus driver you saw every morning; he'll remember you. That little girl you sat with on the bus once, The kid you leant money to at the shop, all your siblings friends, the people that you dont see, but that see you everyday they will all remember you. And every single one of them will wonder; why?

But imagine your family.

You are part of them. Without you, something is missing. If you killed yourself then part of them dies too. They are incomplete. Every family gathering will be missing something. The photos on the wall are suddenly all cold reminders of what you did.

Who goes through your bedroom? Who cleans out your locker? Who calls the school to tell them one of their students has died? .. Who tells the students? Who calls the funeral directors? Who arranges a coffin for you? Who calls your best friend to tell them you're dead??

Talk to me! inbox me if you need to! don't do it! if you kill yourself your leaving your children to deal with it! TAKE THE KIDS AND LEAVE, then you'll be safer and able to start again!

<p>The past is done so do not dwell on it. It got you here and I believe from the words I have just read that you are a heart felt women who genuinly cares for your family. While you can not change the past you can change the future. More specifically you can break the cycle of what your child grows up in versus what you grew up in. If the hubby will not admit the addiction then there is nothing you can do to help him. You can however help yourself and your children. Fear not the idea of being on your own and starting over. It will always be the first steps that try us the most. take one step at a time, One moment at a time and finally One day at a time. You can do it! You can make it! Even when things seem so bleak you cannot even imagine the light on the other side of the tunnel remember........... there is always a way out! Where the darkness ends light begins. Trust me... the darkness is not limitless!!!!</P>

you are not alone. there are other women out here who appear to have great lives, beautiful children and houses, who are hanging on by a thread. it was a great blessing to read this today. love to you.

i see u're recalling all painful memories (ur mom, dad and stepfather) and u mentioned how terrible each one was to u....I think that's all caz u've built much negativities! I mean things may not have been that bad but u see everything negative because u feel soooo negative ( like attracts like)!
First off, I think u need to leave ur husband...his addiction will get worse and u just can't tell what's his next crisis will be! Can u imagine him raping or killing ur daughter?...He's cocaine addict!!!! he's weight on ur shoulder!!!!!!
Second, try working on yourself through meditation...take it step by step and don't push yourself hard
Third, try building a strong friendship with ur daughter...i suppose she's all u have and she will be the only one to support u in future beside do her a HUGE favor and leave ur husband....keep in mind that u're not only hurting u but hurting ur daughter by letting her live with an addict

It's hard, girl. You're doing a good thing by reaching out to people in this forum. Plan a life beyond what's here now. It gives you something to look forward to. I'm leaving a bad "boyfriend" situation in a few months. He doesn't know it, because I'm not the type of person to be talked out of something I know needs to be part of my past. Listen to the song by Jojo called "Get Out!" It will make you smile! I'm smiling with you.


Get out while you can you did not come into this life serve that husband of yours it's supposed to be a partnership

If you take your llife where does that leave your daughter what sort of life could you want her to live if you have to leave an abusive husband do so immediately a single living mum is better than a dead wife or dead mother so please you have so much to live for

All of the people who have affected your life negatively have been selfish. You need to take a step back and look at what you want to do; taking your own life would just be continuing the cycle of selfishness. What would your daughter do without you? I think you should leave your husband. It won't be easy, but you can't go on living in that situation...and you must go on. Best of luck. - Diana.

All of these people that have affected your life in a negative way have been selfish. Now take a step back and think more about what you want to do. Taking your own life would be continuing the cycle of selfishness. What would your daughter do without you? I think you just need to leave your husband and try to start anew. It won't be easy, but you can't go on living this way, and you must go on... Best of luck - Diana.

Hi, You're not getting any younger - thus, I'd advise u to leave ur cokehead husband.<br />
Take ur daughter and get the hell outa there.<br />
You're in a difficult place, having to consider home, business and cars - but if you're miserable, what good are those things - lol !<br />
Don't hurt or kill urself - no one's worth that !<br />
All the best - T

I feel the same way, just logged on to this website and I am going to go for a run and then get my favorite $4 breakfast. Running always makes me feel more in control. I am overweight and I have lost a bit of weight this year and I am happy about that. Every time I go, I feel better about myself. Are you able to get some exercise?

The only thing I want to say.. I understand how hard it is, you may feel alone, ... you say your mother was selfish..but remember.. the suicide is nothing more than an egoism..doesnt solve anything... :( you can be happy in your life.. life situation can change and will change..thats how it is.. if your husband is what he is, you should connect more with your doughter.... the ,,always forget,, thing .. U now it too.. experience it often.. thats because you are person capable of loving somebody.. If you know how to solve this situation but you are not prepared to pay it costs, for example leaving your husband because you love him..may be you should try to do thinkg that you now they are right, but you are just scared to do them.. And don t hurt youselfe please.

I feel just the same way you do and I'd just like to die and get it over with! I'm over living in a hateful environment where I'm wrong and stupid all the time. I wasn't raised in this sort of environment and I know that there is another option. My husband scares me and has threatened to kill me, I wish he just would and get it over with because I'm tired of trying to look happy all day while I'm feeling dead inside. I understand your feelings, I feel the same.... life just sucks!

To styxtp : You should find some support and help for addictions. It's about taking care of you. Theres is alot of helpful info out there that can help you get a handle on what you're dealing with. Treatment isn't just for 'those kinds" of people, their there for you. Lots of good tools to help you through this. Good luck.

I have been smoking cannabis quite heavily since i graduated from University finding myself unable to get a good job in order to repay my debts. The feeling of spending three years to clear debt without spending any money on things to make me happy made me very depressed, so i carried on smoking cannabis. Every time i would light up its an instant escape from the situation i find myself stuck in, yet the spending on cannabis kept me in debt, even made it slightly worse. I dont have much self confidence to date though i am a good looking guy, ive been told that although im happy when smoking each day, i am still depressed and thats why i dont risk putting myself out there as i have a reduced sexual desire to satisfy. I dont have much faith in love as all ive experienced is pain from opening myself up. Ive recently turned 26 and decided i need to stop smoking and really try to clear my debts. I have ended up seriously depressed even after weeks of not smoking cannabis, id get better with no desire to buy smoke but i slowly got worse to the point feeling my life isn't worth living. Ive tried getting a single loan but no one will lend to me and im unsure as to whether i should go bankrupt and affect any chance of me having a credit rating for the rest of my life. Ive started drinking 4 cans of fosters every night after work but am starting to feel this is affecting my personality and making me a nasty person which i have never been and im starting to hate the person im becoming unrelated to debt and things i cant sort.Should i smoke cannabis as at least im happy with no life.

try OG Kush with some blue dragon or molle and some Peyote. It can sometimes work.<br />
If not, try a large amount of DMT(dimethyltryptamine). about 80 mg.<br />
<br />
DMT can sometimes do the trick for a short period of time depending on what your thinking. Inhale for a good short trip or digest for a long mediocre trip .

Some of this sounds good that is posted here. Seek out help for yourself. Dont wait on them to get the revelation. I am married to a recovering alcoholic and addict. I know the pain. Go to CODA OR AL-ANON. See a counselor if you can.If not read or check out the book" CODEPENDENT NO MORE" BY MELODIE BEATTIE. a GOD SEND!!!!!! yOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW GOOD THIS BOOK IS AND HOW HELPFUL IT IS. PEOPLE CANT WAIT TO FIGURE THIS OUT ON THEIR OWN .I suffered for 6 yrs trying to reason with and guilt trip him into getting help. Dont wait for him to get it. Go out and get help now and dont wish it doesnt work.

how do any of you, us, dare think the gov isn't monitoring your isp and knows your address of confessions of problems?

i'm not going to be all comforting, because you need to be strong, there is a saying that a woman leads exactly the life she chose, did you choose this? if this isn't what you really want, then get what you want! pull yourself together, your strong, you can do it, if this isn't what you want then get the hell out of there, life is too short to waste on people who don't deserve you, and you know it! <br />
find someone to stay with that you trust, and remember, this will not just "blow over" like everyone's saying, you have to make it happen. Stop it with the cutting, is that what you want your kids to see you as? is that what you want to see yourself as? hell no! no one does! just forget the past. its really easy if you try. its over and done, you have to only focus on this second, right now. how are you right now? are you sad? happy? angry? ok now think, how will i be tomorrow? will you still be sad? or could you make it stop? could you make life worth living again? yes! you can! <br />
do you have supportive friends? then talk to them! you don"t? get a shrink! its easy, your still alive, if you're a churchy kind of person, go to a church! but don't depend on prayers, do it yourself! <br />
stay away from things that will blur your judgment like alcohol. And most of all, do not think about yourself! think about your kids, try on their shoes, think about your husband and ask yourself, are the good things about him really worth suffering through the bad things? pretend that you have another chance to be twenty five! or twenty! or sixteen if you want! stop going online! get out there and ask some real people for advice!

sometimes it takes times like these to rebuild your life... start from scratch and build a new solid life. it is hard, but you do have the courage to make changes. at this stage it seems as if the problems are insurmountable, but you are a survivor, and you have survived this far. i believe that you have a great deal of inner strenght going through what you have. set an example for your children. take it day by day, thought by thought. you WILL get there, you WILL pull through this...

You've already survived so much. You've had the strength to endure the abuse, so why is it so hard to imagine that you have the strength to survive? You can. You can. You CAN!!! <br />
<br />
Leave your husband. Take your children and get them out! Show them that you respect yourself too much to continue to put up with this abusive behavior against you and your children. It could be the most important lesson you ever teach them. <br />
<br />
Take what money / assets you can. Contact whatever help you can find. My Mother and I, after one of those dinners that ended in tears and destruction, went through a church organization who sheltered us and got us transportation to another state. It didn't matter to them that we didn't go to church much less belong to theirs. <br />
<br />
You can do this. You deserve a better life than what you're living. You're not one of the lucky ones who gets handed an easier start in life. You may not be given anything, but you CAN take it for yourself. And for your kids.

it is good your venting here.i wrote a book about how drugs are tearing this country and why i went after one of the biggest drug dealers around with the governments help.i wore a kell transmitter and set this guy up.i did it for the children in my town not because i had to.a lot of people know whose selling drugs in thier town.addicts children inherit misery and sorrow while these pukes kids inherit the wealth gained by others suffering.people who run this country run the weed,believe me i was there when it was all laid out.if weed was legal there would be less violence in the can't come home and light up,its illegal.alcohol causes so much pain,violence,infidelity.think of the influence we would have around the globe.countries who grow coke and poppy plants would happily change to weed eliminating a lot of drugs in this world.think of all the new taxes and jobs created.the taxes would be enough to insure us all in the U.S.the only thing wrong with giggle weed is the people who smoke it have to buy it off of drug dealers who always ask,want to try this drug or that drug.tell me 1 story of a violent crime,rape murder,armed robbery committed by a pot head.lets take our country back.addicts wife,i will always be here for you with a lot of others.i don't just talk,i take want i'll come beat the heck out of your know what i mean vince,au rah

At first glance, it would seem like the problem is your husband's but quite honestly, I think the problem is with you not taking some control of your life. I can see that and say that, because I have recognized the same thing in my own life at times. I don't have the kinds of things you have going on with your husband, but none the less, there have been times when I just didn't take control of things like I should have....and then I realized, it became my problem. <br />
<br />
the first thing I would tell a sister or a friend who is living this hell, is to quietly find out all you can about your finances without alarming bells. then plan, plan, and oh, did i say me, if you are staying for your children, it isn't going to work....what might happen, is they will lose their mother to either suicide or some other terrible thing called "depression". And they won't have either parent. this is the time for you to say, "my kids are going to have at least one parent, they deserve that" and make it out public assistance if possible, there are huge strides made over the years for support of women in your shoes.....You are still too young, to allow your life to be such a mess that you even think of suicide, let alone coming on here and having to vent about it.....we all feel used up and tired at times, but let your kids be a source of energy for you.....let them see you do something for yourself, so you never have to know they are living the same thing one day....I hope you come out of this unscathed, whole and can't change another person, so work on yourself....good luck

First of all, know that this is NOT your fault. You are not responsible for your husband's actions or the disease he suffers (addiction). Please, if he is not willing to get help, get help for yourself. I strongly suggest you find a naranon meeting in your area, or alanon if you can't find naranon. You get help online as well, try<br />
<br />
Please contact me if you want to talk. I am an recovering addict and I may be able to give you some insight, experience, strength, and hope. Please don't give up. Things can get better. ~~dar

I will pray for you. And all the best (get out there is not good for your daughter)

Ahhhh yessss..... you are suffering from "its all your fault syndrome". <br />
1st thing.... get rid of your, coke-head, husband. <br />
2nd thing... start re-evaluating your postion w/ finances, cars, business...etc...<br />
Nothing in this life is permenant! what is given shall be taken away. Do all you can to save the little you have.<br />
3rd. tell your daughter you love her and give her a biiiiig hug. Get her out of that house or kick out the bad apple. <br />
Easy for me to say? right? well I am the product of a drug addicted mother, an absent father, and an abusive step-father. Luckily for me, my grandmother took me when I was younger and raised me as her own.<br />
Do not hurt yourself..... do not give anyone the satisfaction..... "but I want to die so I can make everyone see what they did to me"... people actually care alot less than you think. If you die, the only one that will loose out is your daughter.