I Could Only Wonder What The Man Thought After Pouring Out His Soul

I felt so guilty. I felt horrible after this man divorced his wife and was looking for a soul-mate. He risked his life on a submarine and had kids to support. His wife left him alone and helpless. He turned to me not knowing that I was a transsexual. I am straight and do not consider myself a gay woman or man. I prefer to date a man when I am finally brought into this world as a woman and not before then even if it means to wait years to date I will wait until then that is my preference. Until today; I thought it was going to be easy to just tell a decent man that I was a transsexual and he would immediately dump me because his manhood would ultimately be tested. He might see himself as gay. I am not implying that gay people are good bad or anything here it's just that some men really are not secure themselves to deal with that issue. 

This man now divorced turned to me and poured out his soul; paragraph after paragraph it broke my heart to read his story in search of this perfect woman he thought he had found once and for all. I would have thought that maybe if I can change soon enough he won't know, but I am not  a deceitful person. I tell the truth no matter how hard it hurts. What did I do wrong? was it the way I wrote to him after he sent me another letter on Jango? I tried to tell him what and who he was by letting him down slowly enough where he did not feel like a fool or his manhood in any was tested. I still feel that somehow I did not do enough of a job by just telling him outright that I was trans-gender and he ought to look elsewhere. I told him that I understood if he never wrote to me again and that he was a sweet man who deserved the best a woman would offer him to take care of his children and himself; that he deserved to be pampered for the heroic efforts he accomplished in saving those men on that burning submarine under water. 

I hope that he forgives me, I hope God forgives me for I did not ever realize that I could steal away a man's heart that I did not deserve to even look at much less hold in my hand. I try to be as honest and truthful as I can like never before. Maybe that is not enough. I don't know; all I know is that I hope it never happens again or if it does I will have completed my transition and am living the live as a woman in the world that once disowned me; as now is a place to try to mend broken hearts and try never again to somehow let myself get caught up in the fantasy of another man's dreams.

I thought that I had all the tools to make that a reality; in fact I created another nightmare for a good decent man who may or may not forgive me. I have to live with that for the rest of my life. Maybe he won't. I pray that he finds someone who will let him forget.         
Lyndsey2u Lyndsey2u
61-65, T
3 Responses Jul 15, 2010

the beautiful thing is that you were honest with him. It doesn't seem as though you mislead him. In the end he'll still have to be responsible for his own emotions.

Several way I think you can handle the situation, I think. One is to start backing off with less communication, especially problem solving. Don't call him, but slowly return call less often. Yea, he is a strong man with lots of real life realities, but men do break and you do not want to be his cause for breakdown.<br />
Eventually, like soon, introduce him to your bf. Now that is reality he can understand.

I think it's a fine line between helping someone and harming them. You did your best, and you probably did more good than harm if anything. Take heed in that, if nothing else. Next time, you do however need to be upfront.. It's the hardest thing of all - telling someone you aren't the person they think you are. No matter how much you want to state it.. there is always that under laying fear of acceptance won't be there. Good luck, I hope that everything works out for the best. *big hugs* LMN xxx