I Wish to Be Loved

I detest being lonely, but loneliness and being the subject of scurilious remarks had always plagued me.

I know many would try to solace by saying solitutude is wonderful. But I am weary of this "solitude". I yearn of being adored, admired and loved. I know my parents (immediate family) love me, but not unconditionally.

I wish I didnt need men or material things to validate my self worth. I think people like me, are just not meant to have genuine love, but we are just to do our duties to the world, and lead a mechanical life.

Even though I currently have no "drama's" or crisis causing me to drone on melodramatically about my sorrow-filled existence (i have such a boring/loser life). Sigh, I guess I should be gratefull for what I do have: great hair, nice eyes and above average intelligence and a family who does provide me the neccessities and menial desires in life. Even so, I am not satisfied, I think I am one of those unfortunate people who can never be in complete peace/ content with their life. 

Ok, maybe I should identify the exact source of my discontent; hahah and the list commences

1) My body (hate my stomach, who cares if  am I size 1, its still has a flab)-- makes me shudder, I hate my thighs (WHY don't I have the "gap" between my thighs!), my height (so short, I feel so overlooked, they say I have an exceptional face, model features, but my height greatly detracts from my "beauty' what a joke. My sqaure jawline (I feel so masculine), my TEETH (I wish they were white and perfectly straight). My buttocks (so disgusting! and also my breasts! :( i FEEL like the most undesirable person on earth when I see my body naked.

And also I hate my family who are very condescending, unsupportive and narrow-minded "curries", who are so status conscious, that they rather I self-abnegate because of family honour instead of pursuing my dreams (which are yet to be planned)

My ex, last time we conversed he said "u nvr had anything I ever wanted, u *****, I hate ****** like u, u shytee talker, *****, do u want me so bad. ok fine, I will set a date and place, n u can *** me and get over me u *****! ".

My friends or lack-thereoff, they are so friggin pretentious and fake, I think I have only 2 friends! so lame.

Ok now this what I want.

1) scheibner laser on my breasts, thighs and butt so I will have flawless and beautiful skin.

2)Plastic surgery; mandibular reduction (because I detest my square jaw), liposuction/lipodissolve (on thighs, love handles, stomach, and arms) Breast lift and augmentation. Gluteal implant and lift.

3) Lazer teeth whitening and porcelain veneers. Lazer hair removal

4) I want my ex, to see me in a designer bikini, and drool in delight and hide his head in shame and realise that he lost me, and he was the reason I constantly doubted my self.

5) I want to finish my degree with honours, become a successful stockbroker, have an incredible amount of wealth and great assets! I want a new black lamborghini. (oh I also want raaul to know how successful I had become).

6) Great friends and my family to feel proud and happy for me.

7) I want someone to love me, adore me, admire me, respect me and I want to make amazing love to them, I would love to let them penetrate me for the first time, and we both feel utterly close and euphoric (I want to have mind-blowing crazy, loving, intimate sex) I want to feel happy.

8) I WANT everyone to be happy, I want all the poverty to end, I want women to feel empowered, and unite, I want women to stop competeting with themselves and not be the "slave-masters".

9)I want people to feel content, do something good for humanity.

10) Above all, I WANT every god-damn thing in my "wish list". After all I AM A great advocate and believer on the law of attraction! WHEN I want things with desire an positive thoughts, It WILL come to me. ANd I have to have utter faith, and not be dissapointed when things dont happen immediately and I musnt restrict the universe in delivering to me evrything I desire!

Gosh I feel better already! here's TO HAPPINESS! amen.

umathena umathena
18-21, F
8 Responses Mar 26, 2007

Your much to hard on you appereance, give you self some positive affirmations.This only my opion but what society pounds in our minds about what it terms as beauty, doesnt really make it true. I know a thing about being hard on oneself, I'm especially that way towards myself. But I ll tell you what, inside I feel like i am handsome... ? any way wish you the best.

any one should stay with him self alone and think about every thing around him .So the loneliness is not a bad thing. You should develop a way to control your life and defy the bad feelings you have . one thing is important to know YOU THE MUST IMPORTANT PERSON IN THE WORLD . any one you think he don't treat you very will don't let him depress you. believe in your self the human is great . you can do any thing . you should tray sport , read a motive books , see romance movie . <br />
and wish you the best.

I think your loneliness could be a part of your problem. I have BDD--body dysmorphic disorder-- and even when I was dying of starvation I thought I would be happier if I weighed less, had plastic surgery done, etc. It was a long, hard recovery for me to get back to being healthy, and I struggled a lot with giving up "perfection". It's really true, you can never be perfect. Do you know why? Because media and society tells us that if you look perfect, you will be perfectly happy. So even people like you that are pretty much society's "perfect" as far as appearance goes (which is way to slim by my standards), will never feel perfect because you don't have the satisfaction you think will come naturally along with it and the LOVE that is supposed to come with it. You spend a lot of time trying to find how to be loved and appreciated, as I did (and do!) and though media tells us being beautiful is the only way to ensure being accepted, it's not true.<br />
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So what helped me? People who accepted me the way that I am. People who didn't make appearance a priority. You can still look good without stressing over it and feeling awful. Think about the excrutiating amount of effort and concern you put into your appearance. Isn't it kind of a pain in the *** to starve and critique and hate the way you look?<br />
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I can't give you the cure for loneliness and not feeling loved. But I hope you'll think about what I've said and try to find your own answers instead of endlessly searching for an abstract idea that isn't real.

Everyone deserves love and understanding.

Everyone deserves love and understanding.

You can't hug money, and you can't hug self-esteem. I bet you would still be unhappy with a nice sports car...don't you want to meet someone who loves you and is attracted to you just the way you are? If you were with a guy like that...that is sad. Who cares if you don't have a gap between your thighs? At least you have legs...if not feeling good enough now, think about how you would handle a real tragedy like being limbless? Just concentrate on the important things, once you get them figured out...looks aren't important, excessive money is not important, if you are a big believer in the law of attraction...then you are only going to attract sad, ****** up people with those kinds of issues...take care.

YOU DO NOT NEED PLASTIC SURGERY!!! You're only a size 1 !!! It seemst to me like you have been in quite the cycle of self-loathing...why else would you listen to the NASTY things your exe said about/to you?? I think, deep down inside, you believe the things he's said about you and YOU SHOULDN'T!! The law of attraction is real and IT WORKS!! Look inside yourself and see all the negativity you are attracting to yourself and binding yourself up in!! You must try to break the binds of that negativity!! I, too, am desperately lonely and want someone to love for always....i have to tell myself everyday that it's already mine to have....all that i want....love, included. i love you. i pray that you will learn to love yourself. (and, by the way....if that's really you in the picture you have on your profile, you're friggin GORGEOUS!!!)

"I wish I didnt need men or material things to validate my self worth."<br />
<br />
I'm not so sure we can control what makes us feel good.<br />
Maybe we can? Maybe it's a mind over matter thing?<br />
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I read another one of your stories, and to me you seem like a bright, beautiful girl who's in tough circumstances in terms of love and happiness....<br />
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Mind over matter, I guess ..