Want Balance

I really want to have better control over my thinking because I know that's what creates my moods.  I have many thoughts that I do not wish to have.  I know that it is important to face up to our demons but I have tried to find resolution.  And still when I've tried to forgive myself and move on, I find that I still rehash old situations over and over in my head. 

I feel like I can't control it.  The memory comes and makes me feel like an idiot all over again even though I've tried to work through it and move on.  I think if I could just get a better thought stream going my moods would improve and I would stop recycling old negativity.  I don't wish to deny what has happened to me and what I've done, but I do wish to move on in a healthy fashion. 

ReformedAutomaton ReformedAutomaton
41-45, M
18 Responses Aug 2, 2007

thank god! (great fun) <br />
heheheh <br />
=)

that is a great analogy...it's nerve racking and horrible but also an adventure and great fun :)...life would be boring without challenges

Thank you!<br />
i feel Happy you can relate with me!!! :-D<br />
lol like im not the only one that feels like this....stuff!!!!!! heh<br />
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lifes like an old rickidy wooden rope bridge that you have to cross, watch out for the holes, and don't swing and flip, if that makes any sense, its nerve racking and horrible!

Thanks Firetech...you are the MAN! I had started doing affirmations last winter and it worked really well. I had always considered telling yourself "I'm happy" or other positive statements over and over again to be foolish. But a friend described it to me that you are "tricking" your brain into feeling happy. That's a great way to put it that you can't act an emotional state without feeling it. I have stopped doing those affirmations though, kinda forgot about them...I'm starting again tonight!!<br />
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JaneJopie, the statement about what you hate in others is what you hate in yourself is so true and I try to keep that idea in my consciousness. It's really hard to live that principle. I get really angry with people sometimes and it's hard for me to see how I would be guilty of doing those same things. When I really sit down and look hard though, I always find that whatever anybody does that angers me is something I have been guilty of myself. I get frustrated too about "the person I could be". I know I have so much potential and I have a history of sabotaging myself anytime I started to get my life together. I'm hoping to change that pattern and am having some success. Good luck to you sweetie, keep on battling!

I noticed that with depression im lazy, lol so natural i'd think that if your not sleeping all the time, bussy, allways have a plan, a goal, a todo list you might aid your self out of depression. Maybe if i can just trick my self that im not, then i willn't be! heh<br />
but its very hard, with depression you just dont' give a **** and nothing matters enough. keeping bussy may help but aslong as your interested in what your doing, and keep at it on a regular bases.<br />
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change.<br />
why are you angery at your self?<br />
If you think of your self negatively, you might be able to find out why, by finding what things you think are negative!!<br />
what was that quote thang i heard, something about "what you hate about people that you hate, is what you really hate about yourself"<br />
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What makes me angery and negative towards me self is all of the things i could have done, the oppertunites i neglect that would potentially,, make a Better World but i chose not to because of my own selfish needs and disabilities. i KILLS ME, with those thoughts! "CouldaWouldaShoulda!"

I don't want to sound pollyannish or naive, but have you tried forcing yourself to have positive thoughts?<br />
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For example - Standing in front of the mirror and audibly tell yourself that you are a great person and that today will be a good day.<br />
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I once heard a motivational speaker say that you cannot act in one emotional state without actually obtaining that emotional state. He said that you could not act enthusiastic, for example, very long without actually becoming enthusiastic.<br />
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I have been and probably still am, where you are. I can be going about my business and suddenly stopped dead in my tracks by a memory of something stupid I did 20 years ago. But I have learned to live with it and consider myself blessed and happy.

Unfortunatley if I'm addicted to any emotion it is sadness. Depression is my worst problem. Anger would be a close second, mostly anger with myself. I wish I knew why I think so negatively about myself all the time. I am a nice person, not bad looking, a hard worker, a musician, and I love to cook. I don't know what about myself makes me think that I'm such a piece of **** but I do tend to think that way.

i know what this is like, it SUCKS,!<br />
what they say " If you can't control your emotions, your addicted to them!" what emotions are you addicted to? and why? better to feel nothing at all, then anything?

Yes I do believe it is well worth it...that reminds me of music lessons...it's not what you do with the teacher, it's what you do on your own. I'm ready to do whatever it takes to recover but I don't currently have the health insurance or the money to see a therapist. I've tried going to reduced rate therapists but haven't had any luck. Those therapists are usually grad students who are too young and know less about psychotherapy than I do LOL

Its one on one - well, thats how i did it. Most of the work is done on your own though. Its the work you do between sessions that makes the difference! It is hard work though - but worth it!!

That's great, congrats on taking steps forward...is cognitive therapy a one-on-one with a therapist or is it in groups?

I found cognitive therapy really helpful in controlling my thoughts and hence my moods. I suffer from depression and the therapy helped me recognise - and stop - thought patterns that put me on a downward spiral.

that's great Dramamagnet...I'm trying to get better with journaling...I've been bad about just writing out what I've done for the day, not really tackling issues but more like just chronicling my life and my activities. Last night I decided to just write what I'm feeling and maybe talk a little about my day but focus more on what I'm thinking about or what's bothering me. I think it's a good direction for me to take.

I agree, personal journals rock. No matter what, talking it out with someone will always skew what I say slightly according to who I'm speaking to. My own journal is just me and the page.

Defense mechanisms are a ***** for sure. I'm doing my best to not overreact but it's hard. I get "triggered" to shut down too easily. I'm way too sensitive for a man LOL....It's good that you're writing things out. I wish I would journal more and write things down. EP works okay for that but it's no substitute for a personal journal.

I can shut down too, and do it too often. In addition to cutting off communication, I cut off my emotions until I feel "nothing." It's really bad for whoever's involved because I come across as heartless and cruel. The worse part is, when I'm in that state, I don't even care if I'm being cruel. I have to snap myself out of it before the other person's fear even matters.<br />
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I agree, talking it out helps a lot. So does writing. =) I find that writing is even better for me sometimes, because I have it down, I can review it when I need to, and see how I've changed along the way.

I think it is unresolved material that keeps the thoughts coming back. I've been some reading recently regarding trauma and addiction and it's been helpful. It talks a lot about emotional literacy, being able to talk about things and actually physically talking about things in therapy (groups or one-on-one). <br />
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I've done a lot of work with myself, in my own thoughts. But I find that I am still terribly emotionally illiterate. I now have a girlfriend for the first time in years and while it's lovely and great to have someone to express my emotions with, it's also showing me where my weaknesses are. I really tend to lock up easily and cut off all communication. I don't do this intentionally, it's an old defense mechanism. Just shutting it all down when I feel threatened. <br />
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But it's scary for me and for her cause I don't do it consciously, it just happens when I am triggered. It is helpful though because we do talk about these things when I've had time to "recover" from the shutdown and we are working on me talking about my feelings right then, even though I'm so shut off, just saying what's bothering me even if it's the hardest thing in the world to talk at that moment. <br />
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Anyway, thanks for letting me rant a little. I do think that those recurring negative thoughts in my head will cease if I can learn to talk about what bothers me and get at the root of my problems.

Hmm. What makes the thoughts keep coming back?