Someone Who Was Never Loved

Life has its own trickery but never thought mine will be upside down.
You introduced me to this new best friend of yours whom you dragged along even in one of our casual dates. I trusted you so much so I halted to voice any silent protest. My trust for you was bigger enough to cloud my instinctive mind.  She was a real  best friend who filled your hours when I was gone, whose picture was displayed in your wallet where I have none, whose photos appeared on your cellphone in which I don’t have one. These caused a rift between us but I relented to all of your consuming explanation in every piece and bits. Until the most unforgettable fateful night came, you can't bear  the gnawing guilt anymore. "Can you forgive me, do you still love me?"  were all the questions which you dared want to have an immediate answer after your agonizing disclosure. I was too feeble to answer in that brief moment but was abe to whisper "just leave her". Half of my heart suddenly died in excruciating pain.
 You and your best friend fooled me like no one else did. Two  low-life a$$es tricked one smart a$$ because of a perpetual binding trust. I created a sanctuary for you, but you just  tarnished the sanctitiy that binds us. I thought you were  on my side, but it was short-lived. You defended her with all your might. I saw the love in your eyes, the caring gesture  with all the conspiracy you both enjoyed behind my back. Perhaps, it had been better if you never told me at all than revealed almost everything to make me a living witness of your infidelity without even an ounce of pity cast at me. .I was tossed in a pit of misery and turmoil finding out the long rope of lies you were holding together at each end to conceal your indiscreet never-ending affair.
The person I loved the most who promised to grow old with me was drifting away. Love is unselfish and kindI must stay. If I have to fight this battle alone and carry you like my own saddle, I will.. I had to show you the light and brawl the blow of confusion which was embracing your dimming mind, I had to be strong because you're weak. If your love became selfish, mine was unconditional. It's how true love should be made of--strong, powerful, selfless.  I wouldn't bow my head to this protruding adversary,no one can ever take my man. We're destined together, till death do us part.

I never loved you..
The statement strucked me like thunder and lightning over my limp and thoughtful mind. How cruel can you say this accusation when all I did was to make it work so everything will stay just as the same in my own expense? I had a life apart from the one we shared. I had a second home where long time friends resided with me even in a span of eight hours, a career I enjoyed long before I met you…they were my temporary refuge when our union went shaky.  But you told me to cut- off all those ties, to be with you, to guide you at your darkest hour. You said you needed me so badly to stick by your side so you wont have any reason to get carried away with the storm and the tide while I was busy with my vocation. Yet, now you're telling me that I never loved you?...Hence, if I never love you, who has more love to give between the two of us?
I said goodbye to them in choking breath, in mumbled words but their lines were too comforting,  saying I'll be alright because you will take care of me, it made me shuddered. They never had anly slightest premonition that my resignation was because of your crazy overture. But I have to walk in blinded eyes, trusting only your filthy hands that held mine.
If you care deeply, you should be willing to sacrifice everything for the sake of  your loved one, isn't it?
I got pregnant and thought this will bridge the gap betwen us but what  I heard was an untruthful blame as if I planted  this seed of life alone. "It's all your fault.. I don't want another child' you said in a very cool demeanor which made me braced myself or else I would collapse. How could I erase the sorrow of a fetal death inside me. The guilt enveloped me in months, it seemed like she strangled  herself with her own umbilical chord three months before the actual delivery. She chose to die rather grow in stark reality that she was unwanted even before she was born. I can't forget your smile when I was mourning in silence. You had no  remorse on your face while complimenting how beautiful I was in such a pensive mood and quiet bearing. In this time of grief, all I need was your share of stricken gait not a useless tribute of how I looked while being stricken with despair and distress. I lost someone dear along with so many things I left because of you., But twas like my loss was your happiness. If you love someone would you be so glad to witness a vanishing moment without any pinch of concern? Now tell me, who loves less and who loves more?

I was always away, I never cared.
It was the most senseless defense I heard which you viciously claimed as the reason for your rigorous wandering with your woman. But if it made you felt less guilty for everything you did to me, so be it.  Now that I gave  up my own life to share all of yours, did it make any difference?  You  were almost never home as if despising the very sight of me.  I was never been domesticated all my life but I was there to wait for you from midnight till dawn but you never came, I cooked your meal which you never even dared to touch, I made our bed and smooth the cover but the night were so were somewhere else. I just stood there like a forgotten shadow whom you ignored incessantly. With my weary bone and listless soul, it seemed like I was residing in a coffin wherein my eyes were the only things that moved witnessing the detail of your rendezvous…you never cared to tell me any detail of your coming and going. Through it all, I was there when you needed embrace and  ask you with falling tears "why do you let  something we shared so deeply be taken away so easily?" You pushed me aside. It was devastating but I didn't move. I stayed to where I was to grip the litlle grasp of hope that  I clutched in my wait  until the unwelcoming tide that washed away  the shore of my happiness subsides. I don't know when will this ocean of sorrow might stop. You kept doing unfavorable things which were making my world collapse. Still, I would like to be with you not because `I was brave or coward but because you were my everything. If I leave,  you might get lost and would not find your way back home to me. And I'd be lost too. How can I breathe when life would  be all so futile without you. How can I restrucure my dreams if my foundation is  in total havoc? How can I do anything without you? You were the soul of my body. The air that pumps blood to my heart. Love is patient , it understands. This thing shall pass, it's just a phase in our journey that we have to overcome together until it lasts.

She had done nothing to me and you never destroyed my life.
 Why would you want me to believe this one hell of a line which was just simply a lie that was killing me softly? This was the worst  sarcasm I can never welcome , a denial of  ordeal you put upon my shoulder which made my whole being  more bruised and shaken. You were partners in crime helping each other to quake my life until it's totally wrecked .You shared borrowed moments with her while I need you to help me close all my gaping wounds. You were by her side when I was all alone wallowing in the mud of  misery and pain. I never made you choose because I want to buy the time for you to realize that our life together weighed more than any fleeting journey that you will come across along the way. However, nothing else mattered to you anymore. In a deceptive silence, you preferred to hold your  bestfriend's hand so both of you can weave a crooked path away from me. .  She killed the man I loved and left me living with someone I never  knew existed  even in my vague imagination.  I lost a life in my womb due to so much depression and anxiety. I had nothing because of her. You were not there when I cried  in my sleep and wishing  never to wake up anymore just to avoid seeing you wrapped in someone's possessive arms.  She had done nothing but to ridicule me with things she had no right to know. " When are you going to stop pestering us?"  Her candid answer was clear and concise"Why don't you ask him? He even told me he's not  bothered about  anything you say and what a pity, was it true that you don't share the same bed anymore?" This was really cruel, the betrayal was too much. But you denied it during our confrontation saying that she was just bluffing me.Tomorrow was my birthday. You told me you'll make it wonderful so I won't worry anymore. We went out but your focus wasn't at me. You're busy with your cellphone the whole time. I wished we just never celebrated at all. How can you live a life with me , then drift away to share your precious time with someone else?  It was the worst birthday celebration I had in my entire life!

Everything has to end.
You pushed the final bolt which jolted me into consciousness.“I can't stand it anymore. I don't want to live a life with you like this any longer.Why don’t you leave me now? You can go wherever you want to”. You were like a butcher saying all those words  in a vey crisp manner.  I was frozen while it reverberated  through my ears. They were like daggers that slashed my heart  repeatedly and  shattered all the dignity that was left of me. I thought if I stayed, I could convey how much I loved you and you would unearth the love in your heart that we once nurtured and taken cared of before you found her. But I was wrong..I thought if  I loved you more than any other thing in my life, the man I married will raise from the dead. Again, a mistake.
How many times would you forgive someone who knew you were hurting so much, yet continued to inflict harm? I can't gather any more strength, I was drained.  I can no longer struggle with more pains to come and endless suffering to endure. I accepted my defeat. I was alone with nothing on my own. The person who once vowed to protect me  against any heartbreak was pushing me away literally as if  I was some kind of a recurring disease that could spread a malady to his perfect world. It felt like I was the one who defiled the trust…who wronged and shattered the pedestal of love. I want to set you free not because I still  loved you but because I realized that  I was now ready to be alone than to live a life with someone who never loved me at all. I shoved all my fears and gathered all my strength. I left

Love is ceaseless but  I have to relinquish it so I have something to quench out of my wounded heart  to get just an inch for myself  so I can be whole again in solitude while living a solitary life. I grasped the truth to realize that  the only mistake I made was I had forgotten to love myself because I have poured every  drop to your unrelenting wicked heart.

.Days were gone, months had passed and I believed in the years to come, time will heal my broken life. Now, as  I was trying to collect pieces of my whole being and slowly recuperating from the storm you have wantonly created that whipped me so bad and all that was left in me was an ounce of courage to move on, you showed up. Would I believe when you told me  " you are my life?" Would I cringe in excitement when you muttered "please come back?"  Can I forget everything in a snap when you murmured "I'm sorry". The hurt and the pain resurrected more than I could bear. Can’t you just stop hurting me so much, saying all these lies and bringing back all the resentments I felt inside? I was sick and tired of these mind games which only spelled betrayal.  Your love was superficial and extremely detrimental. You can fool me never again. You’re now a stranger to me. A shadow I don’t  want to see. A formidable statue of my defeat, a trophy of my broken dream and memory of my shattered life. I wanted to laugh hysterically at your face when you gently embraced me, whispering behind my ear “I want you to know, I love you so..”  I winced and sneered, this was the most brutal joke I ever heard in this lifetime!

Love is a like poison, it might allure
Has its own remedy to cure
It does give doubts, but  does ensure
For love is pure, it does endure.

4BlackForest 4BlackForest
36-40, F
15 Responses Jul 10, 2010

salamat...:)<br />
<br />
I read it again, still made me cried after 3 years as the events flashed back.

Truly life has its twist and turn. We might not know the reason why we have to undergo such circumstance. Though in the long run, it's a way of God to teach us a lesson or to make us a better person and be strong.<br />
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Thanks for the nice comments. You are truly an amazing person. It means so much to me to hear your straightforward answer coz I know you'll be honest to say the truth.

thanks tennesseecountrygirl..I am over it now...and I welcome the future with a smile of triumph because I was able to crawl up from the pit of endless turmoil.<br />
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Roxanne I know I gave so much and I do certainly deserve someone better...thank you.

Its the betrayal initially that hurts then the blindness of the one you loved. Im so sorry you had to suffer in this way when you gave so much love. You are strong and have persevered and he is the loser although his selfish actions spread hurt everwhere in your family.<br />
You certainly do deserve someone a lot nicer. ;-)

thanks sis! (((((H)))))))

thanks snoopy, I know coz you have a big head meaning larger brain!

oh my...why suddenly some of you are commenting on the same day on this??..shine did you tag these two men??<br />
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just curious!<br />
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anyways, thaks is with caution and hesitancy coz when I am "in love", I give not only my heart but my whole life and I don't wanna be on the same tremendous pain again...if it happens the next time, maybe it's either I'd die or be a manhater

great minds? I don't know.

I was all laughing when I read your comments: shine and snoopy...No, don't be harsh on him..I was the one he wronged and I never did lay a finger on him.<br />
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It's all over now. I am fine. thanks to both of you.<br />
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I wish that time comes, shine.<br />
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and snoopy, you don't deserve to fight with him..I don't want you to get into trouble, my scout ranger!<br />
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and how amazing, you both read and commented on the same time! I wonder why letmeusethisname?

just say when and where, I do not mind kicking a little ***. it might do ME some good to kick that kind of an ***. how is it that people are the most amazing and the most obnoxious things ever?

am better now than before though loveless...hahaha :)

betrayal is the worst thing that could happen to anyone.especially when you love witj all your heart.i hope everything gets better for you.

thank you for the wonderful thoughts to ponder.

I see this as the battle within the ouls, one trying so desperately to hold on to the reminences of what used to be, there is an addage about letting love go hoping it will return in its own free will. In this case its impossible to even considder it would for you because there wasn't the kind of love that would return. I am so beside myself thinking that even the child you were carrying was made out of deceit on his part, mentioning that he didn't want another child. A Child will always remain the smae no matter how it as conceeived, the loss on your part was way too much to bare, for him it was like he stubbed his toes.<br />
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I am truly sorry for the never ending pain you endured and I hpoe that you wil find the courage to come out of the ahses and realize that there is life after death.When oine door slamms shut, another door of opportunuty will present itself to you. You showed courage durring the most nightmarrish times in your life, you showed a brave face when inside you wear crying out, cries and tears are not forgotten.

well..can't even call it a love story..maybe, married life with a tragic ending!..thanks for the hugs..