Some Dads Are Horrible!

My dad was an awful spiteful man, and he still is to my Mother. They were constantly threatening divorce. I used to pray on my knees as a kid that they would! I have two sisters, and I am the middle one.

My father ruled the house like a tyrannical dictator, with outbursts of rage if things didn't go his way. He was a very bitter, angry man, and my mum was always stressed, and they were always argueing. Things easily erupted into mad chaos in our house, with my mum yelling and usually trying to pull my dad off one of us, usually me, as he shouted,pointed and spat with rage. To me it was irrational, and everyone had to tip-toe around the house treading o egg-shells.

But my dad didn't like me and targeted me for a lot of abuse. Why? Because I stood up to him, and questined him when he was being unreasonable and he didn't like it. So he focused on me with his anger and bitterness. He was clever though, because he'd usually wait til I was in the room alone, and my mum wouldn't see, but he always used to grit his teeth and glare at me, and tell me how much he hated me, and how horrible I was and how I was useless and rubbish. It hurt a lot, but when you're a kid it is hard to make sense of it. So the only sense I could make was one where I had to try and survive.

Needless to say I rebelled and went totally off the rails for a while. Although I think rebelling was my saving grace, all the abuse messed me up, and I still have realtionship problems today and pick the wrong men. I fall into that needy man with problems and I'm the rescuer trap, and men that are selfish and can be abusive. Now I find it easier just to stay out of relationships and have men as friends.

It's made me too needy. When I fall in love with a man it seems to set all the triggers off and I want what I never had, and then I can become too demanding, needy and insecure. It puts strain on a relationship and it isn't fair to expect a man to replace all that love you didn't get as a kid. Also it's not a good thing if you meet narcissitic guys like I did. It only makes you worse and you just make misery for yourself. It's not their fault, it's mine for picking them. We DO have a choice!

The worst thing about this experience was what it did to me as a teenager went I went off the rails. I was so deperate for male attention and love, that I thought guys would fall in love with me through sex, because sex was what they were intersetd in. It made me very vulnerable as well as open to all sorts of abuse.

I think it's really important for a womans development and future happiness in relationships, to be able to have a good healthy relationship with her father.

A healthy relationship that imbibes her with knowledge that she's loved and respected is the best gift a father can give their daughter

CyberHugs CyberHugs
36-40, F
1 Response Mar 9, 2010

You are my spiritual sister. I am sorry we had to go through that.<br />
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Are you in therapy? Some therapy I have had was useless, but right now I am working with a gal who does "internal family systems" work and it appears to be helping.