I'm Angry.

I want to thank my husband for finding you. I'm a very angry woman. I do not know how to cope with not having a child.  When I was married the first time  at 21, I was ready to have a child. Every year passed by, no child. We went to a dr. Had all the test done. No reason for not being pregnant. next year passed by. I watched my sisters and sisters in law and friends have children, year after year. When was it going to be my turn? I waited. I prayed. Still nothing.It took a toll on my marriage, divorced after almost 9 years. Single for 9 years, (child bearing years). Married Satan for 3 years, divorced. Then married James at the age of 45. Went to the dr to see if I was too old. Got pregnant and miscarried due to so much stress from my ex and Jame's ex. My ex found a way to have me arrested over a debt he left me with, he was paying the debt because he took the truck, trailer and 4 wheelers. The bank called, I told them to take it out of his account.I thought he went back offshore and forgot. Wrong. James' has a spoiled grown son that was 23 that had brain cancer when he was 2. His ex called him everyday to take the son here and do this. She hated it when I  got pregnant. That was going to take away from her son, grown son.
I never got pregnant again. We tried. Months passed by again. Then I  was too old and diagnosed with pre-cancer cells of the breast. Now I'm taking tamoxifen. I'm 49. I've worked for 30 years and still working. I regret not having a child. I cry all the time. I feel like all of you. Why is God blessing other women with children? Why some women have children and don't want them? Why us that wants children  and don't? Adoption is expensive. I hate myself. Now I am very angry. I too would love my child. My first ex that remarried has a 13 year old daughter. The 2nd ex already had a daughter and my 3rd husband already  had a son. I do not understand. I feel like I wasted my life. Now I am very miserable. Thank you for letting me get it out. I cried after reading every story. I cried for all of us. Other than you I had no one to communicate with.
debmclain debmclain
46-50, F
3 Responses Nov 23, 2011

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Deb<br />
<br />
I too feel my lie has been more difficult than most. Even though I have accomplished alot(according to societys' rules). I still hurt for what should have been. I dont think it will every completely go away. I acknowlege my bitterness, Its' one of the reasons I will be glad when menopause is over-monthly reminders of my failure. The best thing you can doi is acknowlege your pain/anger. I think we do ourselves a disservice by pretending it's ok. My days of crying when I see a new baby have faded(most days) . I tried the support group route and it didn't work for me--short term it was fine but after a while it became too much.Im always here if you need to talkj

I understand yoiur pain. I am 47. I have a 17 year old daughter that we adopted at 1 month olf age after years and years of trying. YOu would think that would make things better but it hasen't. When my ex husband was alive(her father) things were ok. I kept pretending that she was biologically ours. Now that I see the daughters of my simblings--there is nothing about htis g irl that I like. don't get me wrong I love her so much but she isn't intelligent, she is self centered, concerned with outward appearances and designer lablels. She was NOT raised that way--having met her biological mother I can see where it comes from. I'm angry(still), as you stated above why have we been punished? Every time I hear about a Casey Anthony or susan smith, I get so depressed I can barely breath.<br />
After twenty five years of infertility, I have come to the conclusion that this isnever going to go away/ I will be angry forever.

Thanks for writing. My friends and family can't even try to understand must less help me. I'm trying to find a way to deal with this. I'm realizing that I need help of a support group, I thought it would go away or I could fix it. I can't fix it and it won't go away. Alot of people talk about how the Lord has blessed them. I asked God why didn't he bless me with a child since he put the desire there? I've seen what God can do. But I still do not have a child. Like Casey Anthony and Susan Smith, they were blessed with a child, but did not take care of the precious child. My sisters and then my nieces got pregnant where they were teenagers. I have had aot of tragedy in my life. Its seems like I haven't got a break, no happiness, no joy. Just sorrow and pain. I've notice that I'm a very mean person. I don't want to be, but I'm so full of anger and pain. I don't know if you can see the other post, But-- one metioned the Silva Method. I live in a small town and everybody makes me feel like I'm a freak because I have no child-what is wrong with her-why didn't the Lord bless her-what sin does she have in her life. Thanks for talking to me. Keep in touch.