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I Refuse Their Pity And Refuse To Feel Sorry For Myself...

So I guess my story started when I was 18 and the miscarriage. At the time I thought it was the best thing that could have happened because I wasnt really ready for a kid and really was still just a kid myself. I have been married to my husband for almost 2 years, but we have been together for over 10. I was on birth control from the time I was 15 till 27. In 2006 we were in a pretty bad car wreck and I ended up with a broken back and had to have metal rods and pins put in my spine and was in a body brace for months. I continued taking the birth control until my back was completly healed. We weren't sure I would ever be able to physically carry a child to term, but in 2008 I had the metal taken out and was given the go ahead to get pregnant. We started trying almost immediately. I started with all of the old wives tales - like counting the days to see when i was ovulating. Every month my heart would break a little more and a small piece of ice would lodge itself in my chest on the day I would start. I started wondering what was going on, I mean I had already been pregnant so what was the deal. I started to notice my cycles were getting progressively shorter each month. So I began researching and ended up going to see a hormone doctor. He diagnosed me with low progesterone gave me a script for some hormones and sent me on my way with instructions on using a ovulation kit and how to chart my basal temperatures. That was December of 2009. Now I am 31 and am so afraid that is is all life is going to give us. We cannot afford fertility treatments and adoption is not an option for us. My husband has low count, high acidity levels and not very many good swimmers, along with the problems I have. Mean while my sister in law and both of my baby cousins, one of which is a lesbian, have toddlers, one is even pregnant with her 2nd. Everyday someone asks me when we are going to have kids and why we are waiting so long. A small piece of myself dies every time that I have to hear the question ( why can't they just mind their own business). My husband tells me all the time that he isn't sure if he even wants kids at this point, but I see the way he is with all of the babies in our lives and I just want to cry. I feel like we are being punished and it's just not fair. I am at my wits end and dont know what to do now. I have stopped starting stories with "when we have kids" and started saying "if we could of had kids" it's hard, but dealing with the disappointment repeatedly is unacceptable. Whats even worse - I tried telling people who kept asking me when was I gonna get started "we have been trying but it's not going to happen for us". Then you get the pity. I will be damned if someone is going to feel sorry for me when I refuse to feel sorry for myself. It sure as heck isn't their place to have pity. Sometimes I wonder if I have done something wrong in my life to cause this, but I'm sorry I don't believe any woman can do anything bad enough in her life to be denied the opportunity to have a baby. Now i find myself wondering what is the point of working and having insurance. I always told myself I was saving for our children's future, but now we don't have that future and I feel so lost and so alone. I feel like I am back on that day after you graduate high school and find yourself going... What now??? Some days I feel like a failure as a woman and a failure as a mother and a failure as a wife. Sometimes I want to leave my husband so he can find someone who wouldn't fail in all these areas.

And really no one understands. My best friend always tells me she knows exactly what i am going through, but she has a daughter and chose to have her tubes tied when she turned 25 so how in the world can she know. My mother tells me she understands but she has 2 kids and a grandson she is crazy over, how can she possibly come close to understanding!!

But today I found this website and read so many other couples who are in the same place we are and now I'm even a little more upset that so many women have to experience this embarassment and I also now know, that what I am feeling is normal. I am going to try and make some changes in my life. I will no longer host all of the baby showers for my friends and family. I will no longer drop everything to spend time with the the kids in my life. I will no longer plan my holidays around other peoples children. I will no longer let what other people think of my life affect me. I refuse their pity and refuse to feel sorry for myself. I will try to actually believe these things and attempt let those shards of ice stuck in my chest, melt and maybe one day I will feel like a whole woman regardless of if I have a child or not. I will hold my head up and not feel slighted when I tell them we can't have kids, because, it's not my fault.......

Mp231980 Mp231980 31-35 Mar 12, 2012

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