When Motherhood Is No Longer An Option

I am new to this site and also new to really speaking about this. I really want to find other people that will understand instead of just saying to get over it or that I should not talk about these feelings. I have always wanted to be a mother since I was a little girl. I wanted to have a family and was so excited to start creating one when I got married at 21. Unfortunately the marriage did not go well and became abusive. He kept trying to get me pregnant and it was not happening so we consulted doctors. I went through a myriad of different fertility treatments with pills, injections, etc and became more depressed. Then I ended up losing one of my ovaries because the doctor did not monitor me very well and I ended up with a huge cyst that twisted my ovary. Then in an ironic twist the other ovary did the same thing on the same day I had the surgery only a year later. I was diagnosed with endometriosis and polycystic ovarian syndrome. I went through treatments for my endometriosis but it kept coming back. Finally, I was having pregnancy symptoms and throwing up and was really happy and excited. However, when I went to the doctor they told me that the baby never formed and that my body was just acting like it was pregnant. It was very devastating but I used this to get away from my ex and start going to college. I still had horrible periods and was miserable I was also trying to get pregnant with my second husband. Of course, it didn't work and at 25 I ended up getting a total hysterectomy. My endometriosis was so bad and I was very sick and in alot of pain, it was not an easy decision but I had to go through with it. After the hysterectomy I experienced a depression like I had never felt before and cried for days and did not want to do anything or talk to anyone. I felt like I was empty inside and even now 6 years later I still feel that way. This marriage did not last too long either because he started cheating on me. But now I am happily married and finally in a good relationship. We are planning to adopt in a few years but the hurt and pain are still there. Especially when all of my friends have kids now and I feel that need for motherhood everyday. I have written poems about this pain and am working on some stories about it. I am the only one in my family that cannot have children and its hard when your younger cousins are even having babies. I would give anything to be able to be pregnant and I really hate when I have dreams of being pregnant because when I wake up nothing is there and reality sets in. I also have a lot of pain still from the surgeries so that makes it hard as well! I am still trying to hold on to the adoption dream but with it being so expensive sometimes I feel like that will not be an option for us either. Also, since I cannot have children I volunteer with organizations that help children and am working on a teaching degree. I still have those feelings of sadness and emptiness, it just never seems to go away. I used to wonder what I did that was so bad and made me not be able to have a baby. It hurts me so much when people take getting pregnant having a baby for granted.
Geraldsbuttrfly Geraldsbuttrfly
31-35, F
May 20, 2012