A Change In Heart

I was told that I couldn't have children years ago.  Childhood sexual abuse + infection + scarring = hostile womb.  When I was told in high school that I couldn't have children I didn't care.  I might have even been relieved.  Growing up I never had any desire to be a mom.  I was never drawn to dolls or playing house.  When my friends started babysitting to make extra cash, I thought they were out of their minds.  You couldn't even pay me to spend time with children.  In college I partied as hard as I worked and had no problem justifying my lack of desire for children as an appropriate response to a lifestyle that was simply  not child friendly.  The year I graduated a close friend had her first child.  I'll never forget the gasps I elicited from the room full of grand parents and extended family when I said that I didn't want to hold the new baby.  I attributed their reaction to the deep personal connection that I assumed they felt to the child.  I, after all, am sometimes baffled when people don't want to snuggle my irrestibly beautiful (at least to me) husky mix.  I felt freed my lack of interest in motherhood.  While the women around me began longing for the picture book family and a white picket fence, I threw myself into graduate study and was perfectly satisfied with that.  I spent my time and money on myself and never experienced a twinge of selfishness.  

Seven months ago my closest friend asked me to be God mother to her newborn daughter.  At first I was confused.  Why would anyone want me to be responsible for their child in their absence?  Especially if they were familiar with my child aversion.  My friend explained that despite my tendency to vocalize my disinterest in children, she thinks I would make a wonderful parent.  She said that if I were even half as supportive of and encouraging towards her daughter as I was to her and everyone else around me, then she had no doubt that her daughter would be raised in an environment as good as she could have provided herself.  I really wish that she never would have said that because it got me thinking.  Maybe children aren't so bad.  

As my God daughter grows I'm beginning to appreciate the previously unrecognized beauties of children.  Their wild imaginations, judgementless perceptions and, most of all, their unconditional love.  I even volunteer to baby sit every now and then not only to give my friends the much needed breaks they deserve but because I genuinely enjoy the company of these tiny humans.  Unfortunately, I am also beginning to feel the first pangs of sadness stimulated by my inability to reproduce.  Although I will undoubtedly continue to share in the joy of my beautiful God daughter, will I someday envy my friends for their mother-child connections?  Will the pangs of sadness become a pit of despair?  

Because I am a glass-is-half-full kind of person, I am trying to approach this topic with relentless optimism.  Maybe I could adopt, maybe I could over come my reproductive limitations with invitro or investigate the option of a using a surrogate mother.  Regardless, I can't help feeling a little empty, a little cheated.  I long for the ignorance of my early twenties and the feeling that me (and my dog) is all I need.  My heart goes out to you women (and men) that have suffered this feeling for much longer than I.  May you find happiness in yourselves, your relationships and, as in my case, your God children.  

Thank you for listening. 


theglassishalffull theglassishalffull
26-30, F
3 Responses Feb 11, 2010

thanks for sharing i dont know if i m sad or happy to read ur message.i m 25 women with no kids at all my hubby 28 n we had been married for 3 years.still cant ve kids...every month we re waiting for a good result but every time my period starts it breaks my heart,at times i dont feel like doing anything ,i dont want to live anymore...it hurts a lot.and this month i skipped my period for abt one week n i was expecting my baby,may be my husband too but he never tell his feelings...but sadly i got my period today..so disheartening,i m broken down into pieces...and unbelievable thing my husband said to me that i might be a woman who cant get pregnant and that he will never make love to me again...may be that is the only thing a wife dont want to hear from a husband being so young rite???? he was saying saying that there isnt any problem with a man,every problem is with a woman.........................i feel that now nothing is left with me,i thought my husband is there to fight with me always but no..i was wrong..i was always alone...oh god i m dying of heart ache....sorry for wanted commented.all i wanted to say is u r not the only one and u rr not alone.never get down

I, like you, was never really that interested in having children...until I found out I couldn't!!<br />
I am also close to my god kids, and am very involved in their lives, which gives me huge amounts of joy and satisfaction.<br />
For some, I know that any contact with kids is very difficult, but sometimes you need to go through a bit of pain to gain some benefit.<br />
Thanks for your story xx

cool story.thank you for sharing