No Children...so I Guess Jewelry And Travel

I am trying to come to terms with not ever being a mommy, mom, ma, or mother. My husband's ***** is disformed. The only treatment he will try is to get back in shape and take prostate vitamins. We have been together 13 years. Married nearly 7. We married to have kids. Right before reaching our destination, he decided it would be a good a idea to not try to get pregnant for a year just so we could have a year married without kids. Even though we had been together 6 years prior. During that time I had refused to take birth control pills because my family had a bad history with it. I used VCF.

After the year, we still had not conceived after 6 months. I decided I would go to the doctor and make sure everything was okay. There was a cyst on my ovary found through an ultrasound, but because I was experiencing no pain or bleeding it was not considered a reason for me not getting pregnant. Still I opted to take the suggested birth control pills for 3 months to remove it just in case. At the end of the three months I waited another 3 months before restarting my "I wonder if I'm pregnant" routine. All that I had conceived were 5 hairs that now grow on my chin - a product of having taken the pills.

Years go by with me going through exams, reading books, yet I was not pregnant. In my family it is widely known that us girls get pregnant just by a man looking at us (joking). I have several cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. Our family is very fertile, so why could I not get pregnant.

During this time not once did my husband offer or attempt to go to the doctor. I hinted. I suggested. I asked. He was embarrassed, but he did think the problem could be him. I finally found a mail order website that did ***** analysis by either overnighting the ***** or delivering the ***** to a fertility clinic in the area. My husband was willing to do that. So his ***** was analyzed. It was him. I will not be a mommy, mom, ma, or mother because of him.

I did not have the typical childhood to ever have the idealistic dream of white picket fence, family, etc. I was not even allowed to look at a boy or a boy look at me without my mom calling me a *****, ****, or easy. I just wanted to grow up, have my first car be a  volvo, turn 30 and begin adopting up to 3 kids by the  age of 36-38. Maybe I would have a dog and/or cat for the kids. I would also have a house. That was the life I planned for myself.

My husband was my first lay at the age of 24, my first physical and emotional relationship, my first hope that I could have an opportunity for a shared life of dreams. Yet in a way he is having me to compromise my dreams. He convinced me to get a mazda protege instead of a volvo, though I could have easily paid for the volvo without going broke. I am good at budgeting and I had no other responsibilities. The house we have is the house he wanted.

[The house I wanted was the first house we saw with our realtor. I knew standing on the grounds that this was the house. I knew standing inside that with some modifications this would be the perfect house. Instead of us making a bid on it, he said, "Let's see the other houses on the list first." After 4 hours of viewing other homes, he decided that we should bid on the first home. Our realtor makes the phone call to the listing agent and was told that a bid had been placed an hour ago. On the way back to our apartment, I am quiet. I am disappointed. Over dinner he tells me to focus on making a baby and forget about getting a house. As if I cannot have both a baby and a home. He is just looking for a reason to not move. He wants to stay in the apartment that acts as his studio. He has no problem with lending my furniture or clothing or other possessions to his models just so he gets the right picture. ]

I do not mind adopting. That was part of my original plan. I show him kids. I talk with him about the process. The whole point of getting a house was so that he would move his studio to another location and we could start either making or adopting kids. How can we adopt with there being strangers coming in and out of the home Monday - Sunday? He says he wants his own studio just as much as me, but when he finds a potential spot, there is always some reason why he shouldn't. He has not interest in adopting. Even though he gave his daughter up when he was in high school.

I told him I would not leave him when his ***** analysis came back. I would not leave because of that. Yet, what about my dreams? I don't expect much.  When I talk of taking trips or buying jewelry, his response is money. What is the point of having money if we cannot use it? We don't have kids. We both have a good salary. If our retirement is fine, why can we not enjoy some perks of being alone? He'll come up with excuses about money, schedules, or the dogs.

Oh, yes, we have two dogs. One is the typical dog, the other is not. It is a golden retriever with seizures. Not bad since the dog only has them once a month. We give him the prescribed medication. But get this...if the current medicine stops working the next medication costs $150/month. We only spend $55/month now. The $150/month meds are the same that my husband's 78 year old mother takes. I have spoken with him and he has agreed that the dog will be put down at the moment he needs that $150/month medicine. But I know he lies. We could just pay for his mom's medicine, but my husband would rather put that money towards a dog than to his mother. Anyway, we cannot go places because the dog needs someone to give him his medication. I know a dog daycare could do it, and so does my husband. It is just another excuse for him to get his way.

So I am trying to come to terms with not having kids - at all. No adopting no bios. I have started looking at jewelry. I have started planning trips - without my husband, of course. I was asked by various teachers (3) growing up to not have kids. I guess they have their wish. My husband is an ***. I guess that is what I get for marrying the baby in a family of eleven. I am the middle child of three. I don't know if our marriage will make it. I really think it depends on him actually showing some initiative towards my wants. When he wanted an eclipse car, we budgeted for him to get it. When he wanted to quit his software marketing management job to make his photography hobby a career, I kept my deadend job and worked extra hours so he could become established and us still maintain our lifestyle. When he wanted his dream vehicle, a tacoma, we traded in my new scion and he has it. I still drive my mazda protege.

I have given up the dream to have a volvo. It was a dream for my to have it in my twenties. My twenties are gone and so has that dream. I have given up the dream of having a house without a studio. My husband does not take the initiative to find a studio or finish the full basement and turn that into a studio. So while I go to work, he has stranges going throughout our home instead of finishing the basement and keeping his business contained in one area. I have "lost" some items that he has "loaned", but I have learned to buy double of certain items. Now I am trying to give up the dream of kids. I have transitioned into teaching college students. I am such a damn good teacher. I can reach the most disillusioned child. Yet, I am moving myself away from kids. I need to find another path. Another way to achieve me.

I will simply be a perfect specimen of humanity who will leave this world without a footprint of myself left behind.

naneki73 naneki73
36-40, F
1 Response Mar 14, 2010

You are very angry with your husband - with very good reason. Instead of dealing with his issue, which in my humble opinion, would be GUILT, he is pulling away from you, and the more you put up with it the worse it will be.<br />
My husband's issues were the reason we could not have children, and he has suffered terrible guilt. He also procrastinated with testing - I went through everything first, and as it took so long to work out the issue, then to get a ***** donor (it is very difficult in Australia we have VERY strict laws), go through the counselling and all of that, then my egg quality failed and I had 3 miscarriages and 1 ectopic pregnancy. I had then had enough, when my sister died due to a genetic issue we share that is aggrevated under IVF.<br />
Sometimes I cry, mostly I think I am going to be ok, but where we differ is that I feel supported because my husband and my relationship has really never been stronger.<br />
You are in a difficult situation because your husband is obviously stubborn. You need to decide what is best for you. If you are miserable now, will you be more miserable without this selfish person in your life? Please don't give up on your dreams. There are some that will never become a reality - we all know that! But it's time for you to think of you, go out there and get that Volvo!!<br />
and by the way, you will leave a footprint, you already have....