When Will It Stop Hurting?
I'm almost 35, I'm married to a wonderful man, have a good job and have the lovely home I always wanted. But I'll never have children.
Ok, now that I've stopped crying after typing that last sentence I'll try again!
My husband and I only met 4 years ago but fell totally for each other. Within 7 months he had proposed to me and a year and a half later we were married. I knew when I met my husband that he had heart disease and took alot of medication for this but just didn't consider the different aspects of my life that this might effect! We decided just after we were married that we would like to have children of our own. Unfortunately his medication means he suffers from erectile disfunction making it extremely diffcult to try to conceive. Also at this time I started to suffer from terrible period problems. I couldn't leave the house for weeks at a time and the pain was unbearable. We had no quality of life and the only solution, after extensive testing, was for me to get a coil inserted. This put an end to us ever being able to conceive naturally.
We looked into IVF but because I'm over weight no one in the UK will help me. We looked into adoption and again, due to my weight and my husband's heart problems they look unlikely to consider us. We are trying so hard to sort out my weight problems to see if that will help but I have suffered with weight problems since I was 18 and find it nearly impossible to lose weight. I have had to resign myself to never having children.
All my friends now have children and most of my cousins are having kids too. I just have to watch and be so happy for them when all I really want to do is hate them because I can't have that too. I smile and buy presents and hold their little bundles of joy all the while wanting to sob. I've know for at least a year that we can't have children but it never seems to get any easier. When will it stop hurting so much every time someone I know has a baby? When will I stop hating people on the street because they have children and I don't? I just want to feel better. My friends and family try to understand but I get the feeling they think I'm dragging this out now. I've seen a counseller so they think I should be all better now! No one seems to understand that it will never be all better!! I'll never know how it feels to be pregnant. Most people are scared at the thought of a painful labour, I would give anything to know how that pain feels!! I feel bereaved but because there was never a baby to mourn I can't seem to get over it.
Can someone please tell me this gets easier?