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When Will It Stop Hurting?

I'm almost 35, I'm married to a wonderful man, have a good job and have the lovely home I always wanted.  But I'll never have children.

Ok, now that I've stopped crying after typing that last sentence I'll try again!

My husband and I only met 4 years ago but fell totally for each other.  Within 7 months he had proposed to me and a year and a half later we were married.  I knew when I met my husband that he had heart disease and took alot of medication for this but just didn't consider the different aspects of my life that this might effect!  We decided just after we were married that we would like to have children of our own.  Unfortunately his medication means he suffers from erectile disfunction making it extremely diffcult to try to conceive.  Also at this time I started to suffer from terrible period problems.  I couldn't leave the house for weeks at a time and the pain was unbearable. We had no quality of life and the only solution, after extensive testing, was for me to get a coil inserted.  This put an end to us ever being able to conceive naturally.

We looked into IVF but because I'm over weight no one in the UK will help me.  We looked into adoption and again, due to my weight and my husband's heart problems they look unlikely to consider us.  We are trying so hard to sort out my weight problems to see if that will help but I have suffered with weight problems since I was 18 and find it nearly impossible to lose weight.  I have had to resign myself to never having children.

All my friends now have children and most of my cousins are having kids too.  I just have to watch and be so happy for them when all I really want to do is hate them because I can't have that too.  I smile and buy presents and hold their little bundles of joy all the while wanting to sob.  I've know for at least a year that we can't have children but it never seems to get any easier.  When will it stop hurting so much every time someone I know has a baby?  When will I stop hating people on the street because they have children and I don't? I just want to feel better.  My friends and family try to understand but I get the feeling they think I'm dragging this out now.  I've seen a counseller so they think I should be all better now! No one seems to understand that it will never be all better!!  I'll never know how it feels to be pregnant.  Most people are scared at the thought of a painful labour, I would give anything to know how that pain feels!!  I feel bereaved but because there was never a baby to mourn I can't seem to get over it. 

Can someone please tell me this gets easier?

Summer2805 Summer2805 31-35, F 6 Responses Apr 5, 2010

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hi, its heartbreaking and I cant say it gets easier ... ever. I am 46 years old and was still hoping to get married and have kids but ended up with fibroids and a hysterectomy - the pain of facing up to the fact that I could never have kids nearly killed me and stays with me today. I don't seem to be anywhere near finding my soulmate and getting married. I struggle with a weight problem - the worse challenge ever, that I can't seem to get rid of. Anyway I finally decided - to hell with it all...!! I plan to adopt as a single mom. Lets see if I am able to do that, may make the pain go away a little :) I understand how you feel. God bless you and be with you always

I agree with the above posts. Some days you don't even think about it and other days it's like someone is ripping your heart out. I think until the day comes that I know I can no longer possible conceive a child I will always have that hurt.<br />
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I am also overweight, but I guess that doesn't matter in the US because they let us do IVF 3 times and all 3 times we failed. At some point I think you almost come to terms with it. I am 38 and have been trying to 11 years to get pregnant, Some days I don't think about it and other days when everyone at work is talking about their kids or someone in my family is pregnant it all comes rushing back to me. <br />
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Hopefully some day your pain will subside.

I totally feel your pain. I keep asking myself that same question, when will it get easier. I still don't know the answer. Some days are ok and others, well I usually end up crying on my husband's shoulders. I think he is getting tired of it though. I know I am. I really never wanted children, but having that option taken away, it is a totally different feeling.

AS Unfair71 said - some days it will be ok, and others not. You need to work through the grieving process in your own time - and it is grieving for the planned future which will never be....<br />
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Most importantly you need to decide what is good for you - so if it is a bad day, and you are meant to go to a baby shower, or meet up with a friend with kids, and you cant manage that - then you need to be able to recognise that, communicate that to your friends and look after yourself.<br />
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Not sure that it gets easier, but I guess you learn how to deal with it. :(

For me it has gotten better to some degree. It has been just six months since I was told I could not have children, and at first it was horrible for me. I would cry just seeing a total stranger pregnant let alone know one of my friends or family members was expecting. I have to say the lowest was meeting some friends for dinner and her announcing it. I had to leave the table, it was to much for me to hamdle at that time. As time has went by I can't say that the bitterness or the hurt will ever go away, but it seems like I don't hurt as badly as what I did.

I'm not sure what to tell you...<br />
Some days it is easier and some days it's not. I keep thinking, ok when my best friend who is trying for her 4th child falls pregnant, has the baby, it will be easier for me because no one else in my circle of close friends will have any more children.<br />
Then I think, wow, in maybe 15-20 years time, they will all be having their grandchildren and it's going to start all over again.