How To Fear Not?

Fear not.

I’ve heard that twice in two days. Once from the man up there on the podium who is enlightened naught of my deepest darkest enigmas, and again from the guy reflected on the slick sheet of glass… who doesn’t even know I would be watching him say those words five uneventful years after he uttered them into the media sound mixer that personified a possum’s tail.

What is God trying to tell me? Thick Face, isn’t it obvious? Fear not? Dense girl, don’t you get it yet? Wish I could tell it to my heart, get my spirit to believe. Not just know that it’s true, but actually experience the sensation in my deepest soul that God desires the unsurpassed best for me. I thought I knew what would make me happy…in fact, it’s still so easy to believe that that’s only what can grant me total bliss. Yet, though so contrary to everything this world tells me, I know that wrenching out my heart and shattering my dreams, dying to everything I ever hoped for will eternally grant me happiness. (My heart says, REALLY???!!!) I just gotta surrender, and man, it’s agony!! It’s an every moment suffering surrender in the pursuit of happiness, which I MUST chase after, albeit misery and desolation on the way. Happiness…? It’s a narrow, camouflaged path. I haven’t come to it yet… Not right now, maybe not ever here on earth…but in heaven? I suppose I’ll be rewarded. I sure hope so, because all this pain has just got to be worth something. If not, I’m gutted. I don’t remember the last time when my lips smiled from within. Happiness is foreign to my aching heart, bliss totally out of the picture…….. Except for those brief instants I lived for; those seconds when I’d see my own unrestrained love reflected in the glint of a gorgeous rainbow. Now even those seconds of heaven with my beautiful rainbow are twisted from my clinging grasp. I let them go. I had to. It was excruciatingly hard to let go, but too hard to hold on. It’s termed “torn between”. Maybe that’s why my heart isn’t whole anymore. Or more like I don’t even have one. I contemplate it evolved to ice a lifetime ago.

Fear not. I’m reminded again. 1) Fear not when hard times come. So easy to say; the words flow glibly of the lips of those who don’t know what you’re knuckling through, hard as hell to do. Hard times like releasing in your heart something you’ve held dear and hoped for for a heck of a long time, and you just cry because you know you had to do it. You recognized from your very core that it was the right thing, but it still hurt you like you got a heart replacement where the surgeon didn’t apply anaesthesia and he forgot to bring the replacement heart, so there is now a jagged, bleeding hole gaping in your chest. (And I’m not even trying to be humorous, even though I know my tantamount pictures border on hysterical…..) I call that hard times. But God knows what He’s on about when He asks you to do hard things. I think He might even be laughing at us when we hold on to a plastic ring when He’s holding a diamond crown behind His back, just waiting for us to open up our grubby hands and trust Him to have something better in mind. We humans are so dense.

2) Fear not when you’re faced with difficult decisions in life. To be painfully candid, we’ve just got to move on. Without that plastic ring. And sometimes we don’t even get that diamond crown straight away. It’s at those times we feel profoundly alone and overwhelmingly lonely. Disappointed beyond words. But unfortunately, our heart keeps anatomically beating, even though we’d rather it just stopped physically, even though it did cease mentally, emotionally, sometimes it feels like even spiritually. Stress levels rise, but we’ve still got to trek on. We wish we had an ON switch, one that you can flick and stress levels plummet to nothing while happiness soars. One that with a single move all lonely demons flee while friendship and love float all around you like a warm, embracing air. Regrettably, there is no such ON switch. How about the OFF one? With a flick of the hand, the erratically beating, sorrowing heart stops, and all is silent. With one fluid motion, the impulses of tender emotions cease and everything slows down to grey grimness. No hurting, because there is no feeling, no passion. No heart. Just dying because there is no longer anything to live for. BUT…sorry folks, there is no such ON or OFF switches. Too bad, so sad. Yeah, losers are weepers, but thank God weepers aren’t always losers. We can still decide. And the difficult decision is whether or not we’re going to make an effort to keep on living, like REALLY living, or place ourselves in the proverbial electric chair and hope that someone accidentally turns it on, in the meantime moping because no one has. So, are you going to fear not and keep on living?

3) Fear not when public opinion is thrown in your face. It seems like there’s always someone who disapproves of your existence; they judge you like they know every microscopic detail of your being. Sometimes we have to just tell ourselves to “suck it up” and cease to mind the verdicts that are hurled at you from those with nothing else better to do. If you’ve made the decision to move on with life, then you will also have to fear not all the fiends you never know that people will pull out of their sleeves at the most inopportune moments, at the exact minute when you’re pulling your hair in frustration and anguish. Fear not when ghosts from your past lurk in your very own shadow, and people see it. Keeping up a trembling grimace of a smile, you indifferently brave the mocking public’s pointing wax fingers, smiling their lip-gloss smiles, condescendingly throwing around their plastic hugs like their attention was coveted, and speaking empty nothings. All the while, your insides wither and cringe at the fakeness of their so-called sympathy, and it disgusts you. But why should you feel that way? Why care what they think of you? Why let it affect you? It’s not for them to speculate if you are wrong or right. At the end of the day, it’s only God who we should strive to please, so FEAR NOT. He’s not going to throw rocks at you.

I want to add one more Fear Not here…

4) Fear not to be yourself. That’s an earth-moving statement in itself. Most times I don’t even know who “myself” IS. Or if the old me can even materialize anymore. I died a long time ago, and the ME I know now is still trying to find a resting place. I think I care too much about what people think…so I tell myself, “I don’t care what they think, how they feel or what they say!” I’m getting so vehemently and phenomenally tired of hearing that venturing out and finding my way in life is dangerous. I’ve got to move on, I’ve got to find out my niche in the whirlpool of existence. Yet in all authentic feelings, I’m just plain scared. Scared to find out who I ought to be, scared to be alone, scared of so many things. Yet…if I could just find out who the real me is, and do my best at being ME, I believe I could then begin to fear not… Or maybe the real me IS just plain scary! Whatever. I’m only me when I’m with that gorgeous rainbow…dancing…feeling…flying… I love that exquisite rainbow, because it helped me find out who I am… So when that rainbow faded, and it’s prisms cease to shine in my tears, I have again lost who I am. That rainbow makes me whole; it makes me me. Oh, I want my rainbow back.

Basically, I think I’m messed up.

I’m definitely relieved God knows what He’s organizing with my life, because I indisputably don’t. I’m not even certain that I have one.

Good night.

kayje kayje
22-25, F
May 20, 2012