I WonderI don't wonder about how many people may have had a crush on me now as much as I used to. I think it's because I wasn't always a pretty girl, or at least I didn't see myself as being pretty. Before, I sort of wished people would like me or even just glance my way so that I would know I wasn't as ugly as I thought I was or someone would think I was an interesting and good enough person inside that they would like me anyway. But one day, I lost some weight, learned how to dress, and learned how to put on my makeup right, and things really changed. I think I'm attractive, and I don't necessarily need the validation I did back then, but I'd still like to know, especially in respect to how my personality affects people. I guess it's just one of those things that I can't help but be curious about.
I guess there is a part of me that is still that same ugly, awkward girl. Before I met my husband, I only ever had three other boyfriends, but he was always attractive and seems to have had tons and tons of girlfriends and girls who chased after him. He was the first boy I dated after I became attractive. I know it's just our pasts, but I can't help but be a little jealous of him. What must it have been like to have scores of people crushing on him, so many people that he actually had a line up of choices to date, even if they didn't really care about his personality? He even told me once that he broke up with a very pretty girl because when she laughed, she had an ugly smile. What must it be like to be able to make a decision like that? Maybe it seems like a simple blessing to have a choice about who you date, but when no one likes you, you really don't have a choice at all. It's either be alone, date the one person that asks, or keep being alone. I suppose I just wish that for once in my life, I could know what that's like or else just erase that part of his past, because it somehow doesn't seem fair that he gets to know what it's like. I can count every relationship I ever had on one hand, even the ones that didn't last more than a month, and he can't even count how many girlfriends he had or how many girls asked him out that he said no to or just went on one date with. I guess I feel like I missed out on a life experience that he got to have that would have really helped my self worth at a time when I really needed it.
I developed a theory that for every disgusting, perverted creep that makes a pass at you in public or is forward enough to come up to you and act sexually interested, for every creepy stalker, there have got to be at least a few decent people who don't just blurt that kind of thing out, follow you around, or make lecherous remarks at a random person they find attractive. My husband is very shy, so he's never made a pass at anyone in his life (except me) and only ever been approached by creeps with a few regular girls sprinkled in there. He's had a million creeps and who knows how many girls who never said a word. When I was younger, I only ever had four creeps, and three of them were my boyfriends for a brief time. It's those decent people I want to know about. I don't care for jeers or crazies, but I do want to know how many people out there thought I was attractive, inside or out, or even had a full blown crush on me who just didn't say a word. I'm still a little confused and embarrassed by attention, especially direct attention, but if someone could just compile me a neat list of every non-creep who crushed on me or gave me a second thought even, even since after I became attractive, that would be great. I guess it would help me to feel like I was worth something to someone all along, or like I've finally become someone that people would have a crush on, someone worth taking a second look at or even someone interesting enough to want to get to know, or even show me that even though I wasn't much to look at before, my personality was enough to make someone like me that way.