I Guess I Was Just an Experiment For a Straight Guy.

During the Winter of my senior year I started the high school party scene. At these parties, I started to drink with this straight guy everybody knew. Known him for a couple years only to be acquaintances in school. (He graduated a year before I did.) Your average cocky jock who plays all the sports and dated girls.
One night at a party, he asked if I was gay and in front of people (which was utterly embarrassing). Afraid of rejection, I said "no" playing it off. I feel that I act straight so I didn’t think I would be asked that horrid question. I take it that keeping clean and well groomed possibly gave it off. I don't know, but I wasn’t really quite "out" at the time. Anyway, he kept giving me these deep glances during the party like I was a piece of meat. But when I catch him looking, he would quickly look away. Never thought anything of it and feeling annoyed and outcasted from the question, I brushed it all off.
Another night later, having one to many drinks for each of us, we both felt highly intoxicated like everyone else around us. At that point, the night was over and so was the party. Everyone was either passing out or leaving. Coincidentally, it was just him and I in the living room by ourselves which gave him the opportunity to personally say he was sorry, about "the question" from the previous party. Easily, I forgave him without hesitation. After the awkward moment from the apology, he started to talk about some random things which I found amusing. I didn't realize how interested I became in his stories after talking for nearly a couple hours. I started to find him cute in a friendly-odd way. After talking till 3 in the morning, he talked his way to sleep and passed out next to me on the couch.
It was late in the night and I felt the need to get home. He woke up as soon as he heard me opening the creaking door to leave. He sat there with a confused look on his face staring at me for a few seconds as if I wasn't suppose to leave. Then he immediately asked for me to wait up for him because he wanted to leave too. He was unable to drive his car, so we decided to walk home since we didn't live too far. It was cold and lightly snowing. The darkness was slightly covered by a vibrant dark violet color caused by the snow reflecting from the street lights. As we were walking, he slurred that I was "attractive" right out of the blue. His hands were in his pocket and I could see his face turning red as if he didn't mean to say that out loud. I didn’t say anything because I was a little scared to say the wrong thing back. Maybe he was testing me. I kept quiet and we just kept walking. But I had a smile on my face. While walking, I stumbled over to him tripping from the mounds of snow while still feeling a little drunk. He grabbed my arm to pull me close to his side and not a second later, he held onto my hand. My hand wasn’t gripped back but awkwardly loose. Mentally startled, I wasn’t sure if he was just trying to hold my balance for me but at the moment right there I felt this strange bolt of feeling for him.
My nerves were tingling. Running through my mind at that exact point, I never thought anything of him till that moment. Never really paid any attention to him. Never paid any attention to his looks. Never really gave the time to figure him out. I thought he was cute in high school but just being a quick judgment. Never thought he would hold another guys hand... Then suddenly I felt the need to give my attention to him and see what he's like as a person. I became curious about his action.
Back to the walking scene, I didn’t know how to react. I literally felt the snow melting off from my cheeks because he had me heated and I kind of liked it. I got home and just started thinking to myself if what he did was intentional? I didn’t want to question that moment because oddly, I enjoyed it.
Another night later at same house. There he was, with his football build figure in a grey v-neck that showed his pecs with his nice arms taking those shots with the rest of the guys. Though I felt like he didn’t acknowledged me, I thought to myself that maybe he doesn't remember holding my hand that night because we had been drinking or he didn't want to say anything because he was embarrassed. Feeling unnoticed, I heavily drank that night to forget everything around me. The party began to slow down and it felt like dejavu. Everyone was leaving and once again it was just us two in the living room. I don’t remember what happened, but I found myself waking up with my head on his lap from a stroke of his hands through my hair. I gazed up to see his face but he looked to be sleeping. He woke up the same time I did so I figured he was pretending to sleep. As I was getting up, he said he was waiting for me to wake up so we can walk home together. Just those small words triggered the fact that made me wonder about him. Is he attracted to me in some weird way? Or is he trying to get an answer out of me about my sexuality? What straight guy waits for another guy to wake up from his lap? I guess I didn’t care cause I felt that maybe we have chemistry of some sort. I was kinda exhilarated to walk home with him and that fact that I had someone to walk home with since it was about 3 in the morning in the dark night. As he was talking with a slurr the entire time, I was quiet till halfway. During that halfway home I pretended to stumble hoping that he would hold me close to him again just like the other night. Nothing. Five minutes later, still nothing. I felt the urge to just touch him so badly. I couldn’t help myself, so I grabbed his hand and he held back really quick in a tight grip like he didn’t want to let me go. By then, my heart is pounding with a rush of excitement but I wasn’t showing it physically. Was this really happening? As we cut through back yards to get home quicker, he pulled me into a random firewood shed with the moon glowing its light inside from the cracks. (In this small town, most backyards don’t have fences but huge open fields with alot of trees.) He looked me in the eyes for a good 5 seconds while a couple inches from my face. I didn’t know what to do. Both of us feeling awkward, he reached in to kiss me for a second. I felt blown away. I tasted the vodka on his lips from the mini bottle he chugged before pulling me in there, which I didn’t care, but for that second, I was in a love shock. Then he quickly bolted to leave as I was following right behind. Thought to myself, "How could he kiss me when hes not what it seems?"
It was a quiet walk back home. Eventually, we got to my house and I invited him to stay the night since the snow was falling heavily. Luckily my parents were on a business trip. He slept on the couch and I slept in my room awake and just thinking the night away about him. Over analyzing his actions and sexuality. Curious to find out where this could all lead. I felt like it could be more but I knew I had to keep a distance and not pull any moves knowing he’s straight. By morning he was gone and I havn't seen him since.
Weeks had passed into Spring and the flowers had started blooming like my urge fighting to stay away from him. I missed the attention that he gave me. Feeling a rush inside, I had to throw a get together (which somehow turned into a party) at my house just see him. I had a friend invite him because I was still keeping a distant. Surprisingly he came. After a few hours he had one to many shots and began throwing winks at me when no one was looking, glancing my way from time to time like I was only in his view. At the end of it all everyone had left and there was a mess which he was the only one who stayed to help me clean. After cleaning he decided to stay with me to hang out in my room. We were joking, laughing, talking about his past girlfriends, playing video games and of course drinking because I felt it was required to be around him. But every time I look over, his eyes never left mine as if we were in the shed that one night. Never once was any of the "incidents" brought up. After talking till 5 in the morning, I decided it was time to go to bed and told him he could stay the night if he needed to because he still had been drinking. I suggested the couch downstairs or a spot in my room somewhere. A few seconds later and he hadn't responded, but I wasnt going to wait for an answer since I was becoming drowsy. I went to bed and he lightly followed behind and laid next to me, put his arms around my waist and had his head on my neck where I could feel his lips pressed on my shoulders. Easily, he fell asleep. My drowsiness had completely vanished and I couldn’t fall asleep anymore because this football playing stud who I believe to be straight, has is arms wrapped around me. Comfortably. His body was warm. So many thoughts ran through my head the entire time. I guess I didn’t care though. I was at the stage where I didn't care to question anymore and I just wanted him. Because I believed I found the answers. I didn’t want to wake up from this surreal dream. At last, I fell asleep to his light breathing which sounded musical to me.
A glimmer of light after the spring showers had woke me up shining through my window. At that very moment I found myself to haved kissed his lips just in the heat the of moment. Not even aware of knowing I was actually doing it. Its like a habit that couples would do to each other when they wake up even though we are no where near of being a couple. His lips were soft and full. I could taste the alcohol from before, but I didn’t care. During that small kiss, he smiled with his eyes still closed as I was hoping he wouldn't wake up from that. I know he felt it. I laid there awake, my head on his chest for another hour still questioning the doubt of this all. I just wanted to lay in his arms and smell his sweet cologne that lingered all over my bed. But it had to be over sometime soon. I quickly got up and just got ready for the day, pretending that none of this happened so nothing would be awkward when he wakes up. Eventually, he woke up and left.
Our relationship progressed each time we would meet together even though drinking became essentially vital to us. I felt like we became best friends. We would have our days of jokes and laughter, just having fun. Always something new and exciting. Other days, the alcohol would play with his emotions and make him go deep into stories about how all girlfriends he had (only two) cheated on him which left scars emotionally. His emotions had also built up when he talked about his connection with his real dad and how he wishes there could've been a relationship between them. I could see why he plays off as such a meathead with his tough attitude as everyone sees him to be. He's hiding his weakness underneath his jocky looks and tough attitude, which i've managed to reach. Deep down he's loving and caring and only wants the same thing in return. I feel he was looking for someone to talk with and open up to. I felt that I could give that to him. Our similarities matched well and I just felt closer to him than I ever did with anybody else.
One night he put his head on my lap while throwing a tennis ball in the air and catching it while I sat there and began to run my fingers through his buzzed cut hair. I was surprised he laid his head on my lap. I guess he felt comfortable enough but he was drunk so maybe he didn't notice he had done it. As he threw the tennis ball in the air, he failed to catch it which hit his eye and left a small bruise. I quickly got up to get ice for him to reduce the pain. I held it up to his eye as they never left my eyes. He laid back down in my lap as I continued to hold it for him. He slowly put his hand over mine to remove the ice while looking up at me. His eyes glistened like hes never been cared for. I couldn't help but give in and show my affection without words. But do I dare? I slowly caressed my hands over his cheeks to his jawline and leaned in to kiss his lips. Surprisingly he kissed back. Our eyes closed for a couple seconds that felt forever, I couldn’t believe what I’ve just done. The audacity of me to act on such a bold move knowing it that it could have easily turned drastically wrong turned impeccably perfect. I was under his spell. I was wishing this could lead to something else more passionate later on until the last get together we had.
It was a typical drinking night, but my late graduation party. My parents had gone out for the weekend so I could have my party. It was just us two alone on the back porch sitting on the steps watching our friends leave the scene while the sun was setting. I was in the midst of talking, ready to ask what our true feelings were. Ready to admit that I was in love with him hoping that he would say he is in love with me too. Suddenly, he pulled himself up to me and kissed me passionnantly in the warm Summer breeze in the sun kissed light. Everything felt so right. I wasn't consumed by alcohol but rather intoxicated by his sweet apple lips that were pressed against mine. I felt like I was in heaven. Every moment that fell into place on its own lead to something more affectionate for us. I felt in love. He grabbed my hand as we ran up to my room. It was starting to get hot and heavy which has never happened before until we were both down to nothing. The light was dim and I could see his muscles on top of me, the sweat dripping from his face down to his chest and onto me. His breath on my face, kissing my neck and shoulders. His arms under my back and my arms around his neck slowly running my hands down to his back feeling his soft skin over his muscles. I took a deep breath and that’s when I finally felt the climax... He began to slowly go back and fourth breathing heavily while I try to catch my breath. I felt him deep inside physically and spiritually. The feeling was ecstacy. I could see the passion in his milky brown eyes like we were meant for each other as I try to lock onto it hoping I never miss any of his expression. But the feeling was unimaginable my eyes couldn't help but close. I had never imagined ever going this far. I felt that the time was right for him and I and that we could build a relationship even further even if it has to be discreet forever. I didn’t want anyone but him. All this time, I felt that we never needed the alcohol to begin with to bond in the first place. I was at the peak of bliss.
But suddenly he got off of me quickly after he was done...
Snapped himself in reality and told himself that he isn't gay while a rage was building up inside his eyes telling me with an agressive tone that he couldn't believe I would do such a cruel thing to him. Told me I was just a f.aggot and I took advantage of him while he was drunk. Blamed me for getting close to him when he’s a straight guy and using him to feel something cheap. Quickly putting his clothes on, he also mentioned that those past incidents meant nothing and it was all me just being gay. Yelling at me in a vociferous way, asking what our friendship meant and that I fooled him. I was speechless to the fact that he was right. I was scared, not becuase he would get physically agressive (which I know he wouldnt) but because I was afraid of losing him. My heart was breaking. I held everything back, because if I were to talk, it would have just been tears. I was falling hurt, worse than pain. I wanted to tell him how I felt and how he doesn’t have to hide while at the same time I was frustrated because he blamed me when he also acted upon all our actions but none of that mattered at that point. I lost him. Those whole 7 months of building an unlikely relationship of something I would never have imagined, that I thought could work went straight down the drain. And I actually blamed myself for lingering along with it for this long when I knew in my conscious that I shouldn’t have done it in the first place. I didn't mean to. But I confess that I couldn't help it. I loved the attention he gave me... He left with a door slam as I layed there only with the sheets to comfort me while feeling contempt and confused staring at the ceiling with my face soaked in tears wondering...
I never once made the first moves. I never once said anything affectionately or to gesture his sexuality. I wasn’t the one to get close until he started it all. He was the one who held my hand, who went in for a kiss, who put his arms around me and was the first to engage in a passionate activity. He could’ve been curious or maybe the alcohol was doing all the talking this whole time, but I guess I was the apparent abuser from his eyes and I'll admit, I took part and followed with. In my perspectives I felt hurt and of course experimented on from his bi-curious ways, but more truely saw that he actually built this foundation with me and that he was willing to secretly open up to me and only me. But how could I be so sure he is straight when we became so close? At this point, all I wanted was to believe that deep down inside, he did have those feelings for me like I truely did for him. I was posititve he wanted all the same things I wanted. But I could see he became scared at the end of it all. Scared of rejection from friends and family. Scared of love itself. Scared of his true feelings. Scared to believe that he knew exactly what he was doing but felt there would be an ultimate price at the end. He got what he wanted which was the love and care from me. Could've been from anyone.
I’ve always been attracted to straight men for many reasons and I thought this unimaginable dream of mine was coming alive, but once you get that slap in the face back into reality you realize that its a conundrum to even think about being with a straight man when they are attracted to women. I fooled myself. I lied to him and especially myself. A really funny thing is, I never once mention my sexuality to him. Everything just unraveled on its own the right way, but yet the wrong time.
I saw him for the first time in a long time since that night at a Fall bon fire. The sky was a midnight blue twilight. I can see the fire glisten on his entire face causing a despair look. No hello, just give a quick glance with a distressed expression while with a rebound girl in front of me. Either to show me that he quickly moved on and basically stating out to me that he's straight or wants to hide himself away from me and everyone else we knew because hes scared. But I would brush it off or act like nothing has ever happened between us when clearly allot has happened in just those 7 months. That night I just had the need to hear his voice talking to me, giving his attention and especially looking at me with his eyes that never use to want to look away. No acknowledgement. Nothing. No more late nights. And I already miss it all. The way he use to stare at me as if he never saw anyone else was long gone. All I could do was to pretend like nothing happend. Pretending to talk and laugh with others while he's glancing to see the real despair in my eyes behind all the fire's smoke. Guess this was it, our Autumn goodbye. By then my heart had completely been shattered.  
Months later he wrote to me on facebook saying "I’m sorry..." I never replied anything back that would make him feel at ease with me, knowing I was just an experiment to him. Sorry via internet message will not be able to mend such wounds. As much as I die inside just to rekindle what we had, I just wanted to forget everything that happend. Because he broke my heart into pieces that could never be correctly put back together. Trying my hardest in my will to forget is one the hardest things I have ever tried. I couldn't do it. I still can't. Years pass by and I've recieved a couple message since then. I just can't to reply back. It just doesnt feel right in my intentions. If he really wanted to heal what we had, he would come to me physically and not write sordid messages. I still have the strongest feelings for him but I know it will never work. I sometimes think that maybe he still pines for me with curiosity. He doesn’t have a facebook anymore and I heard he's got a girlfriend. Wishful thinking never works for me. But I hold no regrets and wish I could relive those moments again. But maybe, once I can believe he’s ready to admit to me his true feelings in person, I won't hesitate to bring back what we had. Until I know for sure, I'll still be picking up the pieces that he broke.
Sorry for the long story, but the point is one person can change your whole perspective in life and you just don’t know it. Explore and find out what you want. Don't wait for it until its too late.
iwannarock iwannarock
22-25, M
39 Responses Mar 12, 2012

Your story is so bittersweet. I appreciate you and wish you Nothing but happiness and love. I hope the two of you end up together.

Amazing story.

It's so.. True how months with someone can change your whole way of being, I went through something like that, Only different story but I can never forget him, good thing is you learn and you gain a more clear understating and a new strength in you, a strength you didn't know you had. Thanks for that story it was very touching.

Sorry, but sometimes, most times, you just gotta enjoy sex and stop all the romantic embroidery. Hot sex is great. Romance and marriage can be controlling and imprisonment. More sex less worry and complications.

This is so amazing story.. I'm sorry for how u feel but I love it lol I'm only 15 yo so hahah ur lucky enough

I loved reading your account of your first love. It was so similar to my own so many years ago when I was also 17. I like to think that all first loves are better sweet as well as life changing. Gay, straight, bi...doesn't really matter. It's a developmental right of passage.

I really want to thank everyone for taking the time to read a part of my life that I wanted to share. I hope it could help with anyone who feels that they are in similar situations or just to cope with everyday life. I know that life doesn't always go your way, but experiencing first hand and learning from your mistakes are the first steps to help you deal with what life throws at you. However, when you know something feels right or wrong, you have the chance to choose whether to let go or continue your curiosity knowing that all chances have different outcomes. Explore yourself. Explore the world and never give up on what you believe in. But let go what you know you don't need in life because what you "want" isn't what you "need". But I am not here to tell you how to live your life. I want you live a life full of experiences that you've created. Experiences that you can share with others to help each other learn. Experiences that are all your own. I've learned that when you are among the dark, the stars will shine bright to guide your way.

I know that very many of you are curious about the aftermath of the story. And I'm sorry that I'm responding to late. But I'm here to give you an update. But before we start, I would like to say that this part of my life happened 8 years ago when I was 17. I am currently 25 now. This story was written about 2 years ago. I have also written the story as if I was back in the year 2010 for the final year that we have talked. I have managed to cope with life and moved on completely during the earlier years out of the 8 years. I felt that being an adolescent at the time, I had much growing up to do. Once you pass the period of adolescence, you start you see things differently. You start to experience more things the world has to offer and you start living your life. Since my heartbreak in high school in 2007, I've moved away and went to college. I wanted to start fresh. I wanted to start somewhere new where I didn't have to think about my past and how I would have to relive those moments if I stayed where it all happened. I won't lie, but the next couple years after 2007 still had an affect on me and I honestly wasn't ready to give up on starting new. I kept telling myself that "it'll never work" and that "I was just an experiment." Being scarred from such a past made me want to move on right away. I know very many of you would like me to give him a chance again and that things will work out. But it won't work if the situation is one sided. I cannot be with him if he clearly did not want to be with me. I was just his experiment... It wasn't a real relationship in his eyes that I truly thought it was. Seeing the picture clearly made me realize that if it was a real relationship, he would have pursued on what we had but I wouldn't have allowed it only because I felt that I would have my heart broken once again. I've ignored "most" of his messaged in the past, but gave in to write to him just to come to an agreement to remain acquaintances (during the year 2010). He wanted to apologize for leading me on and be leave on good terms with no bad blood. He really did have feelings for me but it wasn’t necessarily the feelings he was seeking. He was seeking the attention from his father which he came to me for. And I gave his a completely different attention with lust and love. Although, he did admit that it was a much better attention which truly made him grow the feelings and love me for me and not seek the attention of a male figure. Another huge reason why he stopped maintaining the secret relationship we had is because rumors were stirring and he was scared. Not only scared of what people thought of us but scared of his own sexuality because he wasn‘t sure of it. He does feel terrible for what he’s done and I learned to forgive him easily but still hurts to accept it. He said he has no regrets because what we had wasn’t something to forget about. After all, we were each others first. I was surprised when he said that too. We can never hate each other and we both want to forget our past we shared. Only to help each other move on. However, I’m doing it more for him. I’m not here to out him or ruin his life by telling the ones that are closest to him. I just want him to experience other things out there that are ready for him. We haven’t spoke since 2010 so I cannot tell you how he is doing. I hope he spiritually found himself and I wish him well.

As for me, I recently got out of a 4 year relationship in 2013. Being in a relationship with my ex in 2009 has helped me through what had happened to me in 2007. I don't regret any experiences I have made because I am always learning from them. My ex and I have left on rocky but good terms. (Yet another story to be told). We still care for each other and our feelings will never change. My past experience helped cope with my recent break up which made it easier for me to know that I shouldn't dwell on something you know isn't going to work or be a sure thing. No one is too blame... I am currently active in school still and I am remaining single for now. Right now my main focus is on myself. There have been some "boyfriend potentials" after my ex but I still have a lot of soul searching to do and I am still young just taking what life is giving me day by day. I look to the stars when I am in the dark because I know it'll shine for me to a brighter future. Millions of other stars and millions of other experiences are yet to be discovered.

I can't thank you enough for sharing this story

I like how you shared your story because it is very important for gay and bisexual people to read this before they get hurt by a confused straight person. You did nothing wrong. That guy is a huge jerk and I don't like the way he treated you at the end. You mentioned he was one of the cocky jocks who dated girls. That is a big sign that a guy is a jerk. You mentioned in your story that this guy had issues with his father. There are a lot of straight guys who engage in homosexual behaviors because of father hunger (not getting enough affection from dad) issues. If I were in your situation I would've ask myself "out of all the guys out there, why is this "football stud" flirting with me"? Some people have good gaydars and I'm assuming he's one of them because he still knew you are gay even after you said no to his question. You looked like a good target to him and that's why he pursued you. He teased you the whole time. Straight girls tease straight guys all the time. Does it mean they are secretly love in him and are in denial about it? No it means she wants attention and doesn't care about his feelings. If straight people could do it then gay people could do it too. You mentioned that he wrote sordid messages to you on Facebook. This guy neglected you and disrespected you repeatedly. He's not even a true friend. A potential lifetime partner has to be like a true friend or otherwise it won't be a good relationship. It doesn't matter whether he is in-denial about himself and his feelings or not. I like how you didn't reply to any of his messages. You are right, wishful thinking is never going to work. It is very unlikely that it will happen again. I know you can never forget about this but it is possible to move on. Keep ignoring him and you will completely get over him soon.

This was an Amazing story man!

OMG I'm going to break down and cry!!! That was sooo touching OMG I'm gonna cry OMG

Hey Bro,

I know your feelings I too just had this happen but we were roommate's for 3 years and it just ended in May of 2015. He moved out of state and said he wants nothing to do with me and I forced him into some thing your story has helped me and I am truely sorry for what you went through I thought I was the only one. It is a heart braking time and moment I didn't think I could ever move on and still feel that way man thank you for this!!!

This story is amazing

mate I really feel for you. THat was a wonderful story. Tragic and so real. I have fallen for many a stright man and recently cut them all off. I think it takes time to realise what you truly NEED, not just want. As real as the connection was and as confused as that guy was, it was REAL and valid and you did NOTHING wrong. You were yourself being brave and trying hard to survive in this ****** up religion affected straight obsessed world. You did good mate. Love will come again but you will be wiser. hugs to you man.

I'm a sucker for this kind of stories. Apart from the ending of course as it was truly sad. Have there been any new developments in your relationship lately?

It's a good story, but you need to change the tennis ball to a baseball. Nobody could get a bruise from getting hit by a tennis ball up in the air, let alone one that would require ice.

Hi iwannarock! I just read your story about how someone used you as a "guy to experiment with". My heart goes out to you. You seem like an awesome and true friend who got dealt a bad hand of cards... You really expressed your feelings with this moving story. If you don't mind my asking, what are you up to now? Have you met someone else?

This was so moving please right a script for this i absolutley love it speaking as and actor and a writer i really like the line which i think the title should be is "our autumn goodbye" but still absoluetly breath taking

The ending sucks. He sounds like a stereotype in more than one way and a non-factor from here on out for you.But......The journey.......I think that's something to be acknowledged.You have a story, perhaps embellished a bit here and there.But a story nonetheless that's worthwhile and worth it. Not to be disregarded and shunned.You are lucky.

we love who we love all sex feels good if we just let ourselves enjoy guilt free

This story felt so real, I could almost see it happening in front of my eyes. Even though he broke your heart, I bet it felt magical while it lasted, and it's certainly something you won't forget. Thank you for sharing.

Hey, I just recently read your story. It was absolutely heartbreaking. I don't understand why we are so scared of other people's opinions that we can't just be in love. You would think his feelings for you would outweigh his fear of being labeled as gay. I do think you should talk to him though since he keeps trying to reach out. It might be that his own sexually surprised and scared him. With some time to come to terms with it, he might want to be with you. You should at least try. Something magical like that is worth a little pain. Please let me know if anything further every happened. I'm dying to know. I am in love with my straight best friend. I have been for over a decade. He knows and he doesn't feel the same. He loves me but he's just not gay. Thanks for sharing either way.

Doesn't it kill you? How can you still be friends with the person you're in love with? Knowing you're so close, yet so far? I guess I just want to know how you cope with it. I don't think I could do it.

I don't cope with it. It's always hell. I've tried to stop talking to him many times but he won't really let it happen. Then when I finally get the nerve to tell him we can't be friends anymore, I back out because the thought of not having him in my life is too painful. He means so much to me but it makes me miserable to know him. Truly one of those ****** up parts of life.

The hell that is modern society. Having to fear and deny your true self because of how others think. It's a sham and a tragedy that people have to sacrifice happiness and basic human rights because if the thoughts of people whom have no business judging others.

That is just plainly ****** up. I can't believe he did that to you.

I found this story online, and when I was reading it, the ad for this app came down, so this story is the reason I joined this app. Thank you.

I am sorry for what happened to you. You'll find a guy who truly appreciates everything that makes you who you are someday.

Your story did have a purpose though. If it was only to help me find this site, I can't thank you enough for sharing it.


That story built up so many emotions in me.. I was happy then shattered by the ending. It was very well written and had me at the edge of my seat.

He really did love you and your relationship was beautiful. Possibly, he isn't brave enough to admit that he has feelings to you in person which is why he decided to do it online.. but it doesn't mean he's not willing to mend your relationship with him. He seems to really care for you, and thinks about you often if he still sends you messages without a reply back. Please give your relationship a try, even though I understand that he hurt you, you might regret it if you leave it like this... I'm not trying to force you, but both of you obviously care for each other and someone has to step up before its too late. I hope to hear a sequel to this beautiful love story...

i literally crying while reading ur story.. this is so heartbreaking.. i wanna know what's happened with u two now? are u still live at the same neighbourhood? i'm 100 percent sure that he's in love with u but maybe he was scared.. i hate that kind of guy..

That story was so touching. It was as if I was watching a movie. I almost cried at the end because I thought it was going to be a happily ever after.

It's an experience alright, good or bad, no one can justify it clearly. I hope you find the love you deserve.

What a touching story! It seems like he really loved you and just was so confused. Maybe if you just asked him about his feeling after he sent you the message, your relationship could've worked.
I hope you will find love again. And just out of curiosity, have you met him again, or heard anything from him?

I had a similar experience , except that he left me to get married to his girlfriend who was omni-present during the entirety of our relationship . It destroyed me , all along i knew it was gonna happen one day but i didn't care , i just wanted to be his . But he was straight , been dating girls all his life . I was his first sexual alternative . There were days when he would call me up and apologize because his gf wanted his company . Though however late it got , he would ALWAYS find his way to my gate . He would text me to look out my window , he'd blow me a kiss and then disappear into the night . The pain got so bad that i had to leave my hometown , my family behind . just before his wedding i moved to a city a couple 1000 km away . We never officially broke up , in fact the last thing that we said to each other before i got on to the train was , "I love you."

That is so sad! I feel so bad for you! I hate it when people take others for granted! I hope you find someone much better soon!

It's a good thing you left him. But you should've left something for him. I would say something like “leave your love behind” but that would just be letting go. You should'v left a note or something that would totally remind him of you and you alone. That way he has the last piece of the person he had a change with but took for granted. Sort of make him feel stupid about himself.

As I always say, stay away for him. If he wants you to be his friend and starts noticing you again, make him feel stupid and jealous and relentless. He missed out on you and he doesn't deserve someone like you, a person who is caring and loving and willing to wait even if it's forever.

What a beautiful and at the same time such a sad story.

maybe he just needed time to accept he was gay and help i am sorry you got hurt and hope you find love again and that your freind finds himself and true love

Now I'm crying...

Beautiful story! Sorry about the ending though

Great story, sorry how it ended I felt like it was a romantic book.....

Amazing story, I am really sorry on how it ended

I have never felt so emotional in my life! Your story really moved me. I'm gay, too, and experienced a similar situation woth the first guy I have ever loved. I can understand your joy at the start of your story and relate to your sadness at the end. I nearly cried at the end, I'm such a softie. But I would hold out hope if I were you. It sounds like this guy really loves you deep down, though his feelings really confuses him. I really do hope that someday, even years down the road, this guy comes back to your orbit and you guys can work everything out.

This is really sweet and really sad at once. I'm sorry things ended there on such a bad note, but I can understand why you didn't reestablish contact so far. I have a friend who I've had those kinds of feelings for, even though he's a lot less affectionate and a lot more uptight - Nothing has really happened between us, but if it did and went that way, I know it would be over for good on my end. I still envy you for the pure romance of this story, and hope one day you can bring yourself to answer him one of these days, and that he has matured enough to understand just how much he was responsible for what happened too. :)

you did right if was in place of you i'll also do that

Dude this is one of the most passionate love stories Ive ever heard...it's like a modern day brokeback mountain. This new guy just started working where I work and he's so attractive!!! I know he's interested in a friendship and I think he's interested in more but he's scared. I know I like dudes and I know I like straight dudes. Soooo hot!!! But this is different, don't get me wrong this guy's like a 9 on the hot scale! I know he likes me, but not sure if he's interested in sex. Here's what's happened in just a week's time. He started last Friday. We work at a pizza joint. I noticed he had a republican bumper sticker. Republican's make me horny!! Haha!!! I don't know it's just so masculine. Anyway, I told him I was republican too and we both work in a very liberal city. I told him he should think about ripping the bumper stickers off. He hasn't probably won't; the cocky son of a *****...broohoohoo so hot. Anyway...several times during that day I noticed out of the corner of my eye that he was looking at me. I hope I'm not letting wishful thinking get the best of me. Anyway, this guy's got a great body and he know's it. Real nice *** and I noticed several times that night that he would be facing away from me playing on his phone and the way he was standing was just so hot. Picture khakis and a nice belt...he was standing very poseful. It was like he was posing for me with his *** kinda tilted out and to the side a little...maybe this is just in my head, but there was no reason for him to be standing "there." it was like in an awkward part of the room. Anyway, he seemed to be most interested in me out of everyone...obviously we have kindred spirits, both being lone republicans. Anyway, I asked him when he worked next as he was leaving. He said thursday and told me was a college student studying political science and said he was getting a b.s. in b.s....cute...anyway I remember making some stupid jokes and I remember him laughing "too hard." like they weren't that funny, man...haha...anyway, we worked again together last night. And let me just say that I have a full blown crush on this guy. I haven't had that in awhile. He's so ruggedly handsome, mature, but playful...a little cocky which is both a good and a bad thing, from where I stand; we'll see if I can straighten him out...haha...He's intelligent and he appreciates my humor which is a HUGE deal to me...anyway...I can't even think straight...no pun intended seriously...there were a couple moments last night where I was just so enthralled by him...I saw him out on the road...(we deliver pizzas) I know he saw me. He pulled up beside me, I looked over and he wouldn't look back even though he had to have seen my car(?) then we saw each other again going opposite directions and he made sure to take the intiative and wave first, which I of course reciprocated. Oh! He uses big words...which I like and I keep kinda messing with him when he does...for example he used the term "quasi apolitical." I was like "wow quasi apolotical, nice word!" that was his first night. Then he used another weird way of describing something and then asked me what I thought about it and I just said "I have no idea what you're talking about." and the conversation just ended lol. Anyway fast forward back to yesterday...when we both got back to the store I just said really goofily "we saw each other on the road! And we waved at each other! That was a good moment!" and he said something like "yeah I agree!" there was a couple other moments where we just connected like that. At the end of the day I was about to go the bar so I changed in the bathroom and made myself look extra good not for the bar, but for him. I walk out wearing a really nice fitting plaid shirt, a nice pair of blue jeans and my hair looked so masculinely delicious. He looked at me and said so loud that everyone in the store could hear him, "wow, this guy cleans up fast!" this is where it gets really interesting... he asked me where I was going...I wasn't expecting that! I figured all the flirting wasn't really flirting...I said "that information is classified" I don't know why I said that. I was just really shocked I guess and that's what popped out. Then I just told him I was going to a bar (straight.) he then asked me if I've ever been to the diamond back saloon which is a straight bar close to both of us. He knew where I lived. I told him the week before and he actually remembered where I lived! Wow! Am I putting too much into that? Anyway...he said that I should go there and that he would meet me there...he said there were a lot of hot chicks there...which means nothing as far as what his  real intentions may be. I talk about hot chicks all the time to stay discreet. There's just too much drama to being "out" for me. Anyway...I asked him what time he got off and he said midnight...he then started to question whether or not he could make it...I was like ok...well let me get your number...score! Anyway...we exchanged numbers and he acted like he didn't know how to work his phone when I told him to text and he said that instead he would call me. I was like "dude give me your phone...(it was a smartphone; I have an iPhone)" it took me 10 seconds to figure out how to text someone on his phone. Redonk! What's going on there? At that point I said something really stupid that came out the wrong way...I was talking about his phone and joking saying I was gonna show him how to pick up chicks...well here's how I put that. "I'm gonna be showing you a lot tonight...I got a lot to teach you." I said that second part because I know how that sounded...and he said "that was kinda creepy" I said "yeah that was kinda creepy...that came out the wrong way..." anyway...he started talking about how cool the bar was and how there's so many hot chicks there and I was like really? A country bar? I like country music but I don't think I like line dancing. he says "well it kinda turns into a club after midnight...it actually kind if sucks after that." then I was thinking that it really wasn't gonna work out logistically that night. I was like "sounds like you're talking yourself out of it." he said "yeah I think I am." then I was like ok no worries and then started to leave...he stopped me and said "you know what? Let's go anyway." and I was alright man, text me and he kinda like followed me out but not all the way...I got there, texted him and asked how long it was gonna be before he got there and he said that he was still at work and he's gonna have to pass it up. I was like "K" then he said "next time" and I said jokingly "fo' sho!" there were other moments where sexuality came up indirectly during the day. After I got back from a delivery, he said "hey girl" I chuckled and saw out if the corner of my eye that he was looking at my face for a response. Then there was a point where he made a mistake and I was giving him a hard time about it and he jokingly said "You're right Josh. I'm a failure, a joke and a ****." then I said "James...you're not a joke." he really thought that was funny...so did I...that was very funny...I'm pretty proud of myself for that one...<br />
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I want to text this guy RIGHT NOW and see what he's up to tonight. I actually know he's working but maybe he'll get off early. I'm trying to play it cool...I don't want to freak him out...the fact that we work together could really blow up in my face. Any recommendations? Maybe I'll just go to the Diamond Back and see if he shows...it does look like a cool bar and it's really close to where I live.

I am really glad you enjoyed my story.
And i really loved your story! I would definently keep going with it but play it cool at the same time. Its a rush when some hot straight guy is giving me attention before he starts to figure things out. Which isnt a rush anymore... But the feeling of it makes you want to see where it goes. Invite him out again :)